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Heart or Head, the classic conundrum(84 Posts)
Hi Gorgeous People,
I’d really appreciate advice from you all.
I’m currently taking a big step in my life, buying a house and moving away from my home town. The man I’ve been seeing the past two years is coming with (although I’m the owner of the house)
We have a gorgeous relationship and he’s kinder, lovelier than my past ex’s and we get along so well on so many levels. I could see myself marrying him and having kids, I’ve always wanted kids since I was one myself (always playing the mummy in the game’s at nursery, you know the score ;)) I know he wants marriage and kids too so I can see this all panning out very happily EXCEPT (and this is the head coming in over the heart now) he has 0 work ethic and hates all his jobs. He’s landed a job currently as a carer but hates it and goes on about how much he hates it but also is negative about every single other option that would suit his skill set. He’s been a chef, hated it. He’s been a hotel manager, hated it. He’s been a hollisitic therapist (this is what his degree is in) and hated it (!) and now he’s decided that he’d like to be a career gambler. This means that practically if I wanted to marry him I’d have to have a prenup so that I wouldn’t take on his debts (he already has credit card debt) and in the long run it would probably be me supporting the family fully as I don’t see him ever making a true income from gambling, as he thinks he will.
I’m keeping myself financially independent of it but it’s really hard emotionally because he bring all the stress and tension of loosing - as well as the highs of winning - to the house and I find it really hard not to soak up other people’s emotions and energy. Only last night he was really down and saying how hard it is but he feels he has no other option and it totally burst the great bubble I’d been in that day. I can’t have another conversation with him to suggest ideas for his future that doesn’t involve gambling “what about running a food truck?” “What about being an online dietary consultant” all met with No. I think the core issue is that he is from a long line of wealthy lawyers and had a trust fund basically until he was 35 and now he’s cut off from easy money and can’t handle having a low income job that is hard graft. I, on the other hand, had my first job at 14 and have worked really hard all my life to get to where I am and don’t mind a bit of graft considering I’m the first person in my family to ever go to uni, my dad couldn’t even read and write until the age of 12... so we’re very different in this respect.
Ok unloading done. What do you guys think !?
I’d go so far as to say he’s a soul mate in that we connect on so many things and he looks after me so well and makes me feel so loved and safe (I know he’d never cheat like my ex’s have) and we have so much fun and adventure together. But this work thing is a really big splinter in the foot of our relationship.
Do you think it could work ? Do you think in the age of modern women that I should accept that a man won’t be supporting the family financially and that I can do this myself as a strong fierce female !? Or do you think it spells trouble and that I shouldn’t consider bringing children into a relationship that is already financially unsteady !?
Thank you all for your advice xxxx
Why does he think being a career gambler would work? Is he already a gambler? Are his debts gambling related?
I would run a mile. Exh was/is a compulsive gambler. Please take a look at the Gamcare or gamanon websites to educate yourself. Gamblers are very good at lying and manipulation. If he isn’t already addicted to gambling (and I think he probably is), he’s probably well on his way. It’s not a nice place to be, particularly if you are married and have kids. The gambling takes precedence over everything else.
Run like the wind!
You have yourself a future cocklodger. Gambling as a career? Do you actually believe that tripe? He also sounds workshy which is supremely unsexy.
This sounds like a pretty bad idea I think. My DH had just lost a job when we got married and has had some very bad luck career wise and I’ve had to largely support him for the past two years. However he has always wanted to work and hasn’t been precious about what he needed to do to support the family. I think the issue more is that he is putting his whims over your happiness. Also what is professional gambling? I’ve heard of professional poker playing but professional gambling does not sound like a reliable profession!!!
And definately don't have kids with it. As Bettalife says, gamblers are liars, selfish and manipulative. My exH hid £4000 of payday loan debt from me. Money issues bred resentment that destroyed our relationship. And he was/is a shitty father because he only thinks about himself.
Oh gosh. This doesn’t sound good OP and I imagine your resentment will grow once children arrive. I couldn’t live with the stress of the likely huge debts and I’m pretty sure that pre-nups are not actually legally binding in the UK.
"When money walks in the door, love flies out of the window."
I know that sounds grasping and cold, but honestly, there's a reason this is bothering you. Money is not the most important thing in the world but it is still important and anyone who says otherwise hasn't had to live without it. And women, I find, don't generally like men without drive. That doesn't mean he has to be a super rich workaholic, but a man who doesn't know what he wants, isn't proactive and doesn't get stuff done is not attractive to most women, certainly not to me and apparently not to you either. Gambling? Really? I see many ways that could go wrong.
You might be able to get past this as long as it's just you but I absolutely guarantee it won't last past children. That is when you really need your partner to step up and get stuff done. He doesn't have to be the main earner but if he's scared of graft and is used to easy money (why didn't he make any kind of provisions if he was essentially made up until the age of 35?), it's not going to translate well into fatherhood. He could be a SAHD, but for one parent to stay home, both parents need to be on board and you have doubts already.
I think it would be one thing if he wasn’t that keen on work but wanted to be a stay at home dad and look after the house. I’d probably be ok with that if I earnt well enough to support a family. After all, he’d be contributing, just in a different way. It’s quite another that his plan is to be a professional gambler. That would 100% be a deal breaker for me. Yes, you can keep yourself financially independent but what about any future dc? What happens when he loses everything he has and is desperately trying to win it back. Yes you could get a pre nup but I believe they’re hard to enforce in the UK so he could potentially gain access to your assets in a divorce. And why gambling? Does he already gamble? I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who regularly gambles and certainly not if that was their entire life plan. It’s not a life that’s compatible with being a good father.
Step away from him OP, the resentment will creep in once you have DC.
No way. You will resent him more as time goes on especially if you have children and end up working, paying the bills and doing all the childcare (been there, done that myself with someone who didn’t like working for a living either.)
Oh and no child maintenance either when you divorce as he still won’t be working.
Until he was 35? How old is he now? And still all he can come up with as a career is gambling? No! Just no!
This has the potential of going pear shaped very quickly if you need to take a break from working to have kids, or he loses a lot of your money and lies about it.
I really don't think that you are a good match, you need someone on the same page as you with regard to aspirations and values.
Money worries aside, are you actually in love with this man? Sounds like you think he's a safe bet emotionally compared to previous relationships?
You're right to keep finances separate. If he's bad with credit I would be really concerned about him taking on credit with your name or address attached.
How old is he? Sorry if I missed that.
There is nothing wrong with you being the higher earner and he not being in highly paid work but as a co-parent he should be fairly reliable at least!
I don't think it matters who is the breadwinner in a relationship, but I don't think this is what is at play here. Your values are fundamentally different when it comes to work ethic and finances. Let's face it, for 99% of people that go down the 'career gambling' route it is not actually a viable career. How will you feel about subsidising that? How will you feel about subsidising whatever he wants to do afterwards when in all likelihood it doesn't work out? How will things work financially if you're at home on maternity leave? Who would support the family financially if for some reason you couldn't work? I think one of the keys to a successful relationship is to want the same things at the same time. You're not going to be able to change him, he is what he is. A good friend of mine spent the best part of 20 years trying to support their partner financially and emotionally whilst they dipped their toes into all sorts of careers (holistic therapist included!). She thought she was helping them fulfil the best of their potential, but eventually she realised her partner had no intention of pulling his weight in that respect and the relationship did eventually break down, my friend much poorer and exhausted for their effort. Your instinct regarding a prenup is your gut speaking, you should listen to it. You should also be aware that prenups are not legally binding in the UK. Lots of people think of marriage as a romantic agreement but speaking as someone on the other side of a divorce its actually much more accurate to think of it as a financial and legal agreement. Legally any financial resources or debts that are accrued during a marriage are assets/liabilities of the marriage. I know you say you feel emotionally secure but financial security is just as important in a relationship. Also, speaking as someone who grew up in a very financially unstable household you should be aware that this can be adversely affect children in its own right.
Oh dear god.
No. Just no.
Well he's sucked you in good & proper hasn't he?!
How can you have any respect for any man that just 'doesn't like' a proper job & wants to be a full time gambler
He is a disaster waiting to happen... as for him being your soul mate ... nah ... your soul mate would work hard doing a stable job to earn guaranteed cash to support his family / woman / kids.
What happened to the trust fund he had access to until he was 35 & why has he been cut off from the money?
Soul mate or no soul mate ... I would be running to the hills that are that way >>>>>>>>
He will become your child to feed, clothe and house.
For people to be financially independent in a relationship, (especially where you live together), then you have to have comparable income or wealth. Or at least both of you earn enough to equally sustain the lifestyle you have chosen together.
If this isn’t the case then you are going to find it difficult to share your lives and experiences without subsidy. Why on earth would you have children with a man who couldn’t support them. What if something happened to you.
He’s obviously a bit of a waster. But I think you come across as equally unrealistic about life to even ask whatever question you are asking.
Career gambler is not a job. Gambling has no skill please this about this very carefully.
Also a ‘strong fierce female’ wouldn’t put up with that to be brutally honest. It’s not about being the main earner - that is completely fair. It’s about him working equally hard (as a sahd when you have kids but in a job until you do) as you.
Run run run as fast as you can
you don't want to end up with the Cocklodger man!
Seriously OP you will lose you home if you stay with him.
The man I’ve been seeing the past two years is coming with (although I’m the owner of the house)
You (and your brand spanking new house) have replaced his trust fund OP, you do see that don't you. Why has he been cut off from his trust fund or is the "trust fund" a lie to explain away how he lives his life without working, how many other women has he lived with while deciding that he dislikes work?
Wow I mean the response is so overwhelming that I find myself sitting on a train trying not to let people see me cry.
I keep telling myself “I’ll give it a year” “I’ll give him an ultimatum” but what I think has made me most sad from all your comments is that the truth is, he won’t change. I’m sure he’s been gambling for years and I wouldn’t put up with his habit if it could affect my security and future. His habit is stopping me from having the things that I want ultimately, a family and a happy (financially secure) future.
But the problem is that now I’m in the web, I’m all caught up in life with him and I don’t know how to get out. We’ve booked a moving van with all my stuff and his going to the new house together in two weeks time.
Thank you all for your honesty even if it is brutal. Sometimes it’s what you need to hear right ? I haven’t told any of my family or friends because I’m too embarrassed to admit I’ve been dating him and making plans with him while knowing he’s a gambler.
I think it might be doable without kids as you can have a nice relationship but still keep your lives separate to some degree e.g. financially etc.
But if kids are in the plan I think (as others have said) you are likely to end up working all hours to finance your family AND doing the housework, childcare and general mental load as well = massive resentment and burnout.
The only exception to this might be if the bloke was genuinely willing and able to take on most of the housework and childcare while you do most of the earning - but it's hard to know if this will work until it happens, and that is a big gamble.
There was a similar thread on here a month or so ago - someone in a relationship with a man she really liked but he's been between jobs for 4 years or so. Similar situation as she wanted kids in the future. I can't find the thread sorry but perhaps someone else can!
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