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He gets what he wants

(49 Posts)
Annoyed90 Thu 10-Sep-20 06:54:26

I think this is more of a vent than anything

There a lot of issues in my relationship, and everyday I’m struggling more, I plan on leaving but need time to get things in place.

He lies about the lost stupid things (and big things) but a few weeks ago he went on a lads weekend and invited me and the kids to go for a few hours (seaside) and then he would meet the boys later. I said no it’s a lads weekend you go angle enjoy yourself. Last week I made plans to go out for tea with a friend and he told the kids “mummy’s going out for ice cream and didn’t invite us” I told him that was unfair to do that and I wouldn’t expect to be invited out with him and his friends to which he relied I invited you to with the boys cos I’m kind like that and I just want to spend time with you,,,yesterday I saw a message on his phone from said friend and it was him that actually suggested me and the kids coming along for a couple of hours not my husband!!!!

He makes little digs a lot like nothing I do is quite good enough but then when I raise it he tells me it’s a joke and I’m just trying to cause an argument

He has a temper, a lot calmer now he on antidepressants but still loses his shit about the smallest thing. He has been a complete asshole to me and the kids in the past and said things I can’t forget and I still struggle with this now, sometimes I look at him and remember these things he said and I just really dislike him for it. I can’t get over it.

He’s very lazy when it comes to house and kids. He does not do anything in the house, he will cook if he has to if I’m at work for example but he doesn’t do anything otherwise. For example the kids wake up early and I get up with them which is fine, I signed up to this when I became a parent, but what pisses me off is the fact that when I’m knackered he says you should wake me (he knows that won’t) Iland he says I’ll get up in the morning,,but every time guaranteed he’ll hear the kids and say I’ll go...then continue to lay there,,,,so I go...then he says what you doing get back in bed.....then continues to lay there. And then doesn’t wake up till a couple of hours later. And even then he’ll come in and go oh sorry love I was going to get up, you go back to bed (I’m like no I’ve been awake hours I don’t want to go back to bed) so then he’ll go back to bed.

Yesterday I was seeing clients (home based beauty business) in between sorting the kids and blitzing the house. We currently live in a very hot country due to work so I was pouring, I was knackered. He said oh I might wash the car and I said let me just drive to the shop for some bleach and he said I’ll go. 20mins later not moved, still playing games on his phone, says again, I might wash the car, so I said I need bleach, again he said I’ll go. Another 30minutes passes (all the while I’m slogging my ass off scrubbing the house and he’s on his phone) still didn’t move so I got my shoes on and the car keys and he asks where you going I wanna reply the shop for some bleach....the cheeky f****er says oh will
You grab me some Vimto!!!

Constantly accusing me of fancying other people or sleeping with people etc. But says it in a jokey way so that makes it ok he’s not actually accusing me. It grinds me down and I feel guilty for something I haven’t actually done!!!

Groping - he gropes me constantly and it annoys me because he don’t ever touch me normally, if he touched my arm he’ll move his hand round to my breast, all contact is sexual and I just feel like a piece of meat.

He says really inappropriate things, he tells his work friends sexual things, like he might tell them we had sex the night before etc....
99.9% of his conversations are sex related in some way, all of his conversations with me are somehow sex related or he turns them into sexual innuendos. It’s exhausting. This and the groping is in front of the kids sometimes too which I repeatedly tel him I don’t like and is highly inappropriate. Eg, he cut his foot and said oh it’s a big gash. My middle girl age 8 said what’s gash,,,he replied when someone says get your gash out, they’re saying get your cut out!!!! He thought he was hilarious. I was furious and said why the hell do you feel this is ok to say?!!

I feel he doesn’t respect me or my wishes during sex or anything sex related. I really don’t enjoy it with him I don’t think he is very good at it. I tell him what I like and what I dont like but he doesn’t take it into consideration he just does what he likes (I feel he copies things he sees on porn vids) I tell him I dont enjoy anal but he still tries every time, I’m self conscious of my body so sometimes I don’t want to get my boobs out but he sulks until I do. Basically I am his toy and he does what ever he wants or he will sulk. I dont feel like I want to have sex with him. He said he wanted c***k ring and I said no I’m not interested in several occasions and he went ahead and ordered one anyway. This bothered me more of the fact that he just didn’t care that I’d said no he just did it anyway,,,like he does!!!

Sorry guys it was building up and I needed to get it out xx

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Thu 10-Sep-20 06:59:18

There's more than enough reasons to leave him
Take those steps as soon as you can

Annoyed90 Thu 10-Sep-20 07:31:42

There’s a lot more where that came from but why do I still feel like the bad guy xx

OP’s posts: |
PopcornPeacock Thu 10-Sep-20 07:37:55

Annoyed90

There’s a lot more where that came from but why do I still feel like the bad guy xx

^Because he has conditioned you to feel so.

Reading this has made me feel so sad - you are worth 100% more than this kind of life and treatment my lovely. So keep that plan going....and act on it as soon as you can.

FippertyGibbett Thu 10-Sep-20 07:41:58

I feel so sorry for you 💐
Will you have to move countries when you split or can you stay ?

Whattherapy2020 Thu 10-Sep-20 07:45:18

OP you are a person with your own wants, desires,hopes and dreams.
Your purpose in life is to make YOU happy not to service his needs.

He sounds like an absolute twat. He does not care about you. That does not mean that you can't care about you. Put yourself FIRST.

Annoyed90 Thu 10-Sep-20 07:47:58

We have less than a year left here anyway. So I either wait till we go home and the tenant is out of our house, then can deal with selling the house, or I leave early and fly home, rent a place and wait for the tenancy agreement to end on our house and then sell and buy a small house with the money from that xx

OP’s posts: |
Annoyed90 Thu 10-Sep-20 07:50:38

But then in the next breath he’s over the top sloppy telling me there’s no one in this world that loves me like he does, he can’t live without me ....but I don’t care it doesn’t mean anything to me any more

OP’s posts: |
Khadernawazkhan Thu 10-Sep-20 08:10:02

Am very sorry to read this. He sounds utterly childish, selfish, crude and deeply disrespectful to you - his wife and mother of his children. The immaturity and complete lack of any self control are obvious.

You sound way above his league. He doesn't deserve to be with you or any woman.

Tappering Thu 10-Sep-20 08:14:37

Move out now and go home. Pack yourself and the kids up, get on a plane and leave.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Thu 10-Sep-20 08:18:37

What you call over the top sloppy is still a red flag for abuse. His words don't match his actions. No wonder you don't enjoy sex with him, he's coercing you into sex you don't like. Coerced consent isn't consent. He's a bad 'un. Get some help in real life to leave. Women's aid will give you advice and they have a chat service. My husband also coerced me and it's very damaging. You need to get away from him and you also need to remove your children from under the same roof as soon as you can. Good luck

RandomMess Thu 10-Sep-20 08:25:30

He's awful!!

He's a sex pest, he truly believes you are there to service his needs including looking after the DC single handed, keeping house and contributing financially!!!

You will be so much happier ditching him.

He has conditioned you to believe his words and ignore his actions...

Annoyed90 Thu 10-Sep-20 08:39:20

I really appreciate your replies. Sometimes you just need someone else’s point of view to confirm your not being unreasonable x

OP’s posts: |
Tappering Thu 10-Sep-20 08:41:48

Can you go ASAP? Have you got family at home that you could stay with whilst you look for somewhere to rent? If you're married then you could also see a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a divorce.

Beamur Thu 10-Sep-20 09:05:11

Why are you with him? I mean really, what is in this relationship for you?
He's lazy, disrespectful, sexually abusive, I don't even know how to describe the behaviour around language and your daughter. But it's vile.

RatherBeRiding Thu 10-Sep-20 09:11:06

In your shoes I'd be out of there asap - rent a place in the UK and set the wheels in motion for buying/selling so that you're off to a flying start when the tenancy on your UK home runs out.

What possible reasons are there to stay with this man? He brings nothing positive to your life at all by the sound of it, and if you're in a position to go it alone with your business and setting up on your own generally - then just get out of there!

Canyouseewhyichangedmynamw Thu 10-Sep-20 11:15:40

He’s manipulating you. Look into whether you can bring your child home with you

MulticolourMophead Thu 10-Sep-20 11:24:28

OP, I see that you are abroad with a child. If you are thinking of coming back to the UK (or any ither country) get advice on how the Hague convention may apply. He might say you can't bring your child home (unlikely, given that he seems reluctant to actually parent, but he could to make it hard for you.)

wobblywinelover Thu 10-Sep-20 12:07:10

He sounds awful OP, and abusive. What a nightmare! Hope you can get away from him he's making your life a misery. Hugs

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 10-Sep-20 12:12:14

I feel ill just reading about him. God knows how you cope with him in real life.

Re his sloppy talk - words are cheap. He can say all sorts of stuff. It's how he behaves that counts. And he behaves like a very unpleasant man. Get out of there.

billy1966 Thu 10-Sep-20 12:22:20

He sounds so awful OP.

It must be so difficult to live with such a waster.

flowers

SoulofanAggron Thu 10-Sep-20 12:32:14

As PP's said- he's awful. I would go home early so as not to live with sexual abuse anymore. And what he said to your daughter sounded a bit like he was saying he should show someone stuff on demand. Which is disturbing, or at least inappropriate to say.

Ludo19 Thu 10-Sep-20 12:43:52

Oh god OP what an awful situation. Please leave this abusive man and real men don't act like he does.....telling his workmates about his sex life? Is he 16 ffs! Don't be used as a cleaner and someone to service his knob as for anal tell him you want to shove something up his arse!

SandyY2K Thu 10-Sep-20 14:07:36

His behaviour is a sign of deep insecurity. That's why he accuses you in his jokey way of cheating. He's scared of you leaving him, so he wants you to believe you are so lucky to have him and make you feel privileged.

RandomMess Thu 10-Sep-20 14:57:42

Please find out all the facts about returning home with the DC and without him.

Does 100% have to leave where you live now, if so does he have to return home or could he end up anywhere?

I would keep quiet and find out everything you can about the legal side. I would try and engineer returning early as an extended holiday/settling the children, get child benefit and housing sorted to apply for school etc.

Once he sets foot over here then you tell him you are divorcing!

It may be better to rent a small place on your own and forcing sale of the marital home, or perhaps you can find a reason to sell it before you return because you want to live elsewhere for schooling/near family etc.

He is vile though.

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