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sister in troubled relationship please help

(6 Posts)
askingforhelpforsis Wed 09-Sep-20 17:50:43

Hello
Wondering if anyone can help me.
I have name changed for this.
I’m very worried about my sister.
She has been in a relationship for coming up four years. They moved in together pretty quickly and she fell pregnant within a year.
Her partner was showing signs of mental health within the first year and admitted he struggled with a few things, he’s had a hard time growing up (dad overdosed, mam ran away from drug dealer) he’s been brought up by his nana ever since.
Since the baby arrived (baby is now coming up two!) he has massively took a turn for the worse. He’s verbally abusive to my sister, she is constantly walking on eggshells because she doesn’t know what mood he will be in (anything triggers it off) he will kick off if my sister asks for help looking after the baby because he can’t have his xbox time even though he’s on it every chance he can be. She has to bribe him to look after the baby so she can get the shopping in or have some sister time with me or see her friends etc (she only asks him once in a blue moon!)
He’s threatened his life if she leaves and he’s done things like punch walls and thrown himself down the stairs. He will turn his phone off or ignore her if she try’s to text him to make her worry.
He does work but since changing jobs he can’t deal with constructive criticism or being told what to do so he’s always leaving and starting a new job thinking the grass will be greener which again is affecting him massively. His credit score is bad and the bills are in my sisters name so if he quits his job and has no income (which he’s always threatening) she will have the pressure of paying all the bills.
He already owes her a lot of money.
Luckily the mortgage is in her name only.
He is a great dad and he is all for his son but these issues are affecting everything.
After he’s had these episodes he will text my sister saying ‘sorry I’m calm now’ or cook her something nice and grovel for ages and it ends up just going back to as though these issues haven’t happened because she wants the peace.
He hasn’t been taking his anti depressants for months and my sister has just found out so she’s trying to push him to seek help and she has been very supportive with his depression etc.
I understand depression hits hard and she’s tried a number of ways to help him but he just gets abusive.
She’s now really fed up and on the verge of leaving but she’s worried it’s going to be very messy. He’s the type to lie, threaten do anything he can to make her life hell if she did leave. He has mental health on his record and the police were called a few weeks after baby was born as he came in from a night out on drugs and he was admitted to a mental health hospital as he was out of control (threatening his life etc) my sister is worried he will try to get baby took off her and lie to social services etc and my sister is so worried getting the baby took off her even though she’s totally innocent in all of this 😔 She’s living like a single Mum already and everything she does is for my nephew. She’s also working full time and is at the point now that she’s worried leaving the baby with him when she’s at work and he’s off 😔 Can anyone help advise my sister that she will be okay and baby will be safe with her if she does make the move and eventually leave him? What would happen if he does try and make up lies and paint her out to be the bad person? Who should she contact first and what should her first move be? I’m planning on showing her the replies.
Thank you in advance.

OP’s posts: |
Dery Wed 09-Sep-20 19:12:05

Abused mothers always seem to fear having their children taken away from them because they have generally lost sight of the fact that they (the mothers) also have rights. There is no reason to believe that social services will take your sister's baby son away from her if she has been doing a good job of looking after him. Her partner may make allegations against her (that is typical of abusive partners), but if he does she can explain what the true position is. If she has a record of his behaviour (i.e. the texts saying "sorry I'm calm now" etc.), that is also useful evidence of what has been going on.

Based on the environment you describe, I think social services are much more likely to remove her son if she stays with her partner than if she leaves him, especially if she already has concerns about leaving her son with her partner.

Her partner is not a great dad - a great dad does not behave like your sister's partner is behaving. He may love his son very much and want the best for him but his own behaviour means that his son is probably better off away from him. It's very sad for your sister's partner but the difficulties he faced growing up do not excuse his behaviour now.

Leaving probably will be very messy. But staying will be far messier.

There is a great deal of useful information on the Women's Aid website for women planning their escape from a domestic violence situation: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

He sounds very unstable. Your sister should not tell him she is planning to leave. It would be better for her to get to a place of safety and tell him once she's done that. A woman is in greatest danger as she is leaving an abusive relationship and in the aftermath of leaving, but ultimately she is usually safer outside the relationship than in it so it is better to leave if she can. It is also much better for her son to grow up in a calm environment. Your sister and her partner may even be able to build a calm and productive co-parenting relationship in the future.

Does she have anywhere she can go? Could your parents help?

askingforhelpforsis Wed 09-Sep-20 19:52:25

Thank you
I will show her your reply.
Our parents are always here to help but she's always back and forth and the baby is used to his routine at her house.
But your totally right she needs a safe place until it blows over.

OP’s posts: |
Embracelife Wed 09-Sep-20 19:56:59

He isnt great dad
Or if he really is then she would not worry about leaving d c with him.
She csnnot fix him
Shs can only look after herself and dc
Tell her to move in with you and end it
If he threatens suicide call 999
Nothing will change if she stays

Dery Wed 09-Sep-20 21:33:43

@askingforhelpforsis You're welcome. It's great that your parents can help out. Your sister's son may be a bit upset by having his routine disrupted but that upset will be temporary. The potential negative consequences of your sister staying with such an unstable partner could be much more harmful to her baby.

ulanbatorismynextstop Thu 10-Sep-20 04:25:27

Wow she needs to phone women's aid, she needs a support worker to help her with this.

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