Talk

Advanced search

Does anyone else wonder wtf they ever saw in the former partners/husbands?

(46 Posts)
Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 20:02:59

I’m really struggling to think why I ever married my husband (soon to be ex). He is an awful man, non existent father, drunk, drug taker, bully amongst other things.

I often wonder what was I thinking, does anyone else? I’ve broken up with one other person after 5 years and although I fell out of love he was a good person.

OP’s posts: |
Annabellerina Tue 08-Sep-20 20:22:02

Yes, all the time. I was repeating a pattern set by my parents but I find it amazing that I went into it so keenly and willingly!

DDIJ Tue 08-Sep-20 20:24:11

Yes, all the time. I was repeating a pattern set by my parents but I find it amazing that I went into it so keenly and willingly!

This! There was a lot of what I now know to be begging so I was super grateful to him for lowering himself to be with me.

DDIJ Tue 08-Sep-20 20:24:46

Negging. Not begging.

Macaroni46 Tue 08-Sep-20 20:27:34

I married a male version of my narcissistic mother. Very common apparently. Took me years to realise that he was abusing me. (Likewise to realise that she was a narcissist though she was not all bad and we did love each other. She has passed now)
I am now free and although I'm a lot poorer, life feels wonderful.

madcatladyforever Tue 08-Sep-20 20:29:01

God knows why I married any of the idiots. I simply dont trust myself to go on another date.

Bence69 Tue 08-Sep-20 20:32:45

Every fucking day! He turns my stomach the mere sight of him. To think I went to bed with that every night for 16 years!

cheeseislife8 Tue 08-Sep-20 20:33:57

Yes. My ex was a monumental twat and I have no idea how it took me 5 years to see it. God knows what I was thinking!

DoTheHotStuff Tue 08-Sep-20 20:34:51

These responses are very interesting. Like other posters here, my past partners have been a repetition of the neglectful behaviour from my father, mixed with the narcissism of my mother. Not a good combination! I think the first step is recognizing this stuff though. Hopefully now we're wiser, we can go on to find happier relationships in future.

TeddyBeans Tue 08-Sep-20 20:36:18

6 years here. You don't realise the extent of the shit you've been dealing with until you don't have to deal with it anymore

TheGinGenie Tue 08-Sep-20 20:36:32

Yes, my "main" ex in particular. I think it was probably my low self esteem

fatgirlslimmer Tue 08-Sep-20 20:38:49

No I can still see what attracted me to my exes and why I was with them, some were a disappointment, but I never wonder what I saw in them.

FatBottomedGurl Tue 08-Sep-20 20:41:46

I think it's equally troubling that all these years later, I can see very clearly where I went wrong with my ex partners, and also why I am attracted to my current.

I was/still am attracted to masculine men.

ExH:
As a naive 16 year old that attraction translated to the "bad boy" who got in fights but was intimidating to others and therefore gave a faux sense of protection. Over the years it warped into domestic abuse and an all round waster who never worked and had a monumental chip on his shoulder.

Ex-Fiance
I had learnt some red flags by my mid-20s, and I demanded more from a partner going forward. I was not as willing to compromise and was quite guarded. I went for a man in a stable career: armed forces. Masculine role, stable money and prospects and again a sort of "protective" thing going on there. Ultimately didn't work out for a variety of reasons and alot of lessons learned.

Current:
Tradesman. Stable career. Into weights and gym so physically very masculine and again, I suppose potentially intimidating to look at (aka protective in my skewed view? ) So far, so good. I'm hoping I have learnt alot of lessons over the last 20 years and that I have mastered the compromise between attraction and substance. Time will tell smile

MrsKeats Tue 08-Sep-20 20:51:13

Every. Single. Day,
My ex husband is awful and my grown up children don't like him much,
Last ex was an abuser with multiple victims that I know of.
One ex is nice and we are still friends.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 20:51:23

My husband had complete and utter control of me like a puppet. I’m embarrassed by myself for all those years.

OP’s posts: |
Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 20:52:56

Im so sorry for my children that he is their father and I was part of that decision (sorry coercion)

OP’s posts: |
TooManyDogsandChildren Tue 08-Sep-20 20:57:20

Yes! My exH is a deeply unpleasant man and never managed to pay me a compliment of any kind in all the years we were together. He had plenty of criticisms and bullying though.

My parents were pretty cold and critical. I tried very hard not to marry my dad, but instead I married someone far worse. Will never trust myself to choose another partner, that's it for me now.

MulticolourMophead Tue 08-Sep-20 21:02:19

I certainly wonder. I couldn't let him touch me now, no way. He's abusive, emotionally, financially, verbally, etc. No compliments, everything was all about him, and he began on the DC too.

ThePhoenixAndTheAshes Tue 08-Sep-20 21:15:14

My dh is like my Narcasist mother. He made me feel so safe and so loved when we met, at the time when I was grieving deeply. Now he makes me feel worthless and broke and guilty. Even when I told him he'd made me feel scared (EA not physical) his response was all about him, I wasn't a good person for telling him that, I hurt him so much by saying that. I can't see him as the person I used to think he was. I don't know if that was real, if he loved me, when he stopped, why things changed, how he can think any of it was OK. He will be an X, but not stb, slowly getting my ducks in a row. We're semi but not officially separated under one roof. Still a way to go to that place where I feel safe and peaceful in my own home. No more relationships, I just want peace of mind.

Macaroni46 Tue 08-Sep-20 21:40:30

Took me 16 years to fully understand I was being abused and I only really realised when I was acting as DSL on a case and the parallels were to my own situation where too obvious to ignore.
Was with the guy for 28 years, married for 21!

Shodan Tue 08-Sep-20 21:53:50

I kind of know what I saw in my second husband- he was definitely a few steps 'up' from my first (eg he washed regularly, and didn't keep walking out of jobs).

But with hindsight, he was the same 'type' as my first- essentially a mummy's boy who needed taking care of.

My Dad wasn't like that- but my Mum firmly believed that women looked after men, and men could be excused many things by dint of owning a penis, so it's unsurprising that I grew up thinking the same.

DP (so far) has proved to be different, so fingers crossed...

Closetbeanmuncher Tue 08-Sep-20 21:55:58

About DCs father yes occasionally when I have to deal with him. It's been nine years and he's still as bratty, useless and wankerish as the day I left.

He gave me DC though so I may consider pissing on him if he was on fire.. (on a good day) 😂

Don't worry about your DC OP, they can choose to cut contact should they wish.

Onwards and upwards ☺️

Sally2791 Tue 08-Sep-20 21:57:40

Yes he repulses me now. Still realising ways he abused and coerced me, in every way. I feel I should warn the new victim, but of course there is no realistic way of doing that without being the mad ex.
In the beginning we were compatible on paper, but had such a different perspective on what mattered. As others have said, I’m very scared of making the same mistakes again so maybe better to remain single

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 21:58:04

I would definitely not piss on mine, I’d fan those flames!

OP’s posts: |
PositiveLife Tue 08-Sep-20 22:03:48

Nope. I can see exactly why.

Ex-h: Nice guy, intelligent, decent job, most people would probably think he's a good catch. But he just wanted an easy life - wasn't really bothered who he was with, would start stuff and not finish it, no enthusiasm for life, left all decisions and money stuff to me pretty much. I was just existing. I stayed too long because I thought people would think I was mad for leaving a "good guy"

Ex-bf: attracted to the opposite - made me feel special, really into me, all sorts of adventures. But he's basically a narcissist and dropped me for his next victims as soon as I wasn't showing enough interest in his exaggerated stories and bullshit.

Single and happy now. Not sure I can be arsed having another relationship, it just doesn't seem worth the effort

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in