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Divorcing a you cut your losses and let them walk away with money or fight them so they get less???

(70 Posts)
Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 19:35:53

Oh I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to divorce my husband. He is full stop non negotiable. His motto is I’ll take us both down, as long as I don’t win then he is happy. So therefore he won’t agree to any settlement that makes me look like I’ve won something. Can’t get through to his humanity as he has none. He doesn’t see the kids, cant negotiate what’s best for them as he doesn’t care.

Do I just accept a shit settlement to save the stress or carry on with court and potentially waste a lot of money but at least he won’t get it!!!!

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whatsnext2 Tue 08-Sep-20 19:40:37

I settled with my similar ex h after fdr. He started hating the lawyers as much as me.

Jute6555 Tue 08-Sep-20 19:47:43

Well it depends how much.... I'd probably try and walk somewhere in the middle. I hate abusive people benefitting because they are abusive but equally tying yourself to this situation for longer than you need is stealing your time and possibly your mental health.

He's willing to destroy both of you in order to ensure you don't come out well . .. you can't win.

The only benefit you have is that you can walk away from him and his selfish way if thinking. He can't. If he benefits financially, see it as compensation for him having to tolerate himself.

SomeonesRealName Tue 08-Sep-20 19:52:01

If it makes you feel any better, although I had to pay him a tonne of money in the divorce including paying half his mortgage for months while he refused to move out of the house, I soon recovered financially once I was rid of him dragging me down.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 19:53:26

This money is for my children, he will waste it like he has so much before on drugs and alcohol.
I hate the fact of walking away and letting him have it, especially when so much was given to us by my family, but we married so I screwed up there.
I also need to house the children and he said he will pay CM for 2 years and that’s it. I hate this man!

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HaggyMaggie Tue 08-Sep-20 20:00:37

Nah, I’d fight. I would rather neither got anything then him take it all.

Jute6555 Tue 08-Sep-20 20:39:31

Is he agreeing to 50:50 though?

Tavannach Tue 08-Sep-20 20:42:35

It's for your children. Stop thinking about him and power on to get your kids what's due to them.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 20:43:35

He won’t agree to anything. 50:05 would make me and the kids homeless.

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Shedpaint Tue 08-Sep-20 20:45:06

He can’t only pay CM for two years though assuming they aren’t coming up to 18?

Personally I’d check with a good lawyer what my chances were and if they were good I’d fight him for it.

MondayYogurt Tue 08-Sep-20 20:46:12

Is giving into what he wants the end of it? Or will he simply find something else to hurt you with later?
I haven't been in this situation but I'd fight, just to show he doesn't get to dictate anymore.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 20:48:31

That’s part of my thinking to show him im not a push over anymore. I’m guessing next it will be child contact at court so I don’t think it’s the end.

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Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 20:49:48

Youngest is 4 so no there are a lot of years. If he does just not pay then he will end up with lots and me struggling.

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littlebirdieblue Tue 08-Sep-20 20:58:50

I had this with my narc ex husband, he bought me out of our house the share was 40/60 to him, he hid his self employment assets and had put his business in his parents names many years ago and I had no clue! We did mediation but it was so stressful, he tried to use it as a tool to declare what an unfit mother I was and how I spent all his money, the mediator wasn't having any of it, but in the end he wouldn't agree to anything so I took his settlement as I just wanted it to be over. I hate him but at least I don't have to live with him anymore.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 21:01:25

I wasn’t offered mediation because he was too aggressive so straight to court. I don’t think I could have done it anyway as I was too scared of him.

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Closetbeanmuncher Tue 08-Sep-20 21:16:34

If he comes to the house call the police and start documenting harrasment.

Stick it to the fucking cunt.

LexMitior Tue 08-Sep-20 21:25:00

You think it’s a choice.

It isn’t. If you don’t fight for the money your children and you will be in poverty.

If you do, you will do better than the first option. Easily.

Men like this want to make it hard by exerting pressure on you and your children. You actually have zero choice unless you like being poor.

Also, divorce is not the end. You have children to raise. What happens if you let this man run you over financially and then after?

He’ll muck you about forever because he knows he can. Get the money. Think of it like the biggest most important job you ever had.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 21:29:55

So if I continue to push through court being someone he thought I wasn’t and spend thousands he might leave me alone. He has said he is shocked that I’m one of those “women” going after the husbands money, he didn’t think I was like that. Trouble is he only knows the scared women who did anything for a peaceful life, I’m not really like that!

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Sssloou Tue 08-Sep-20 21:43:36

He’s not above the law.
Get a brilliant lawyer.
If he is an alcoholic / drug taker get advice about how to evidence this for access.
Often these types settle on the steps - they threaten, bully and harass the xW but are cowards in front of a judge.

Your DCs need you to retrieve and retain as much cash as you can. I would also seek advice about a clean break settlement - because as his addiction escalates his health and about to hold down a job deteriorates.

A good lawyer is a good return on investment. They can come down fast and hard.

If you get into the right mindset and have lots of emotionally protective support it will be the lawyers throwing the punches and dealing with him. You can sit back and take pleasure in his deluded, entitled, arrogant arse being kicked by the law.

Watching the coward squirm in shame. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Drag his bullying out of from under his rock into the day light. He won’t know what hit him.

Also depending on his alcohol / drug use - he probably won’t have the focus to inflict a long term coherent campaign and will give up easily.

Fight for your DCs.

BloodyMiserable Tue 08-Sep-20 21:47:57

I'm not sure what is best, to be honest.

No matter which approach you take, it's hellish & you'll always have that dickhead in your life.

Mine doesn't negotiate either, will not recognise facts, gaslights, manipulates & lies. It's impossible.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 21:52:34

He isn’t taking any of it so far seriously at all. Half filled in forms, cheap online lawyer to basically type up the small bits he has bothered to fill in. I get the impression he is just in it to drag it out until there isn’t anything to fight over. Then there’s me paying solicitors to try and move it forward and nothing is really happening.

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Sssloou Tue 08-Sep-20 21:52:59

Mine doesn't negotiate either, will not recognise facts, gaslights, manipulates & lies. It's impossible.

They can’t continue this abuse in a court room in from of a judge.

Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 21:54:16

I think the victim card is going to come out big time, I can see it now! Good job in a way it’s taken a bit of time as now I truly hate the bastard and in no way feel sorry anymore!

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Divorcinganarcissist Tue 08-Sep-20 21:56:21

They do continue the abuse at court, they don’t know half the time they even doing it they are so distorted!

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Closetbeanmuncher Tue 08-Sep-20 21:58:11

He isn’t taking any of it so far seriously at all

Watch his guts drop through his arsehole when those assets start getting split OP 😂

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