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Partner unsure about children with me

(116 Posts)
CatsCoffeeAndBooks Tue 08-Sep-20 09:00:40

I have always wanted children. This was clear to my partner when I met him. When I met him I also met his four year old daughter. Three years later we ended up in a situation where we were going to foster a one year old boy. We only spent ten days with him but we fell in love. After that time his father returned on the scene and took J to live with him five hours away. After a lot of heartache I asked my partner if we could try for our own and he went mad. He came up with all these excuses, that he has used in the before. “there is no rush!”, “It’s not the top of my list”.

I feel very strange about this situation. He planned to have his daughter with his last partner. He said if it came to it with the young boy he would look after him on his own. Am I right thinking that he’s slightly unsure about me?

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Tue 08-Sep-20 09:24:53

I think he expects you to care for his daughter and feed him and keep his house - and not to ever add any further cost centres children to his household. He will also expect you to be grateful that he allows you this "privilege".

That is a very, very common scenario - it's the younger aged version of a nurse with a purse.

If you want biological children with a willing and enthusiastic partner, you need to leave.

PicsInRed Tue 08-Sep-20 09:26:18

The foster child was what he saw as a temporary placating of you. He would never have taken that poor child on himself.

TorkTorkBam Tue 08-Sep-20 09:27:21

You are not having children with this one. If you want children, move on. The fact that he always knew you want children is neither here nor there. It makes him a bit of a cock to string you along but he does not have to become a father again if he does not want. Cut your losses.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 08-Sep-20 09:27:48

How old are you? There may be no rush from him, but for women the window to easily conceive and carry a child is a very real and serious consideration. Don’t waste your child bearing years with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you.

Alexandernevermind Tue 08-Sep-20 09:28:33

Call me Mrs Bennet if you like, but is there a proposal on the horizon? I'm being flippant, but does he see you as a life partner or someone to share a bed with? If it's the latter then don't have a baby with him.

seensome Tue 08-Sep-20 09:32:27

I'm thinking your partner knew it would be temporary foster situation, he doesn't want this commitment with you, you deserve to live the life you want, don't let a man not wanting the same hold you back.

Mintjulia Tue 08-Sep-20 09:32:36

He doesn't want the cost of any more children. Or possibly he isn't that committed to you.

The foster child was a great temporary solution for him, that kept you happy and was self financing, but with no long term emotional or financial commitment for him.

If you want your own children, move on.

ravenmum Tue 08-Sep-20 09:45:16

Is he older than you?
My ex wooed his 35-yo OW with talk of having a child with her, but without any intention of really having any. Some men just say whatever they have to say to get a gf.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 08-Sep-20 09:50:46

What are you thoughts on marriage?

TorkTorkBam Tue 08-Sep-20 09:53:11

How much time does his (now 7yo) daughter spend with him? You don't mention how she got on with the one year old or how she coped with him leaving. What kind of a dad is he?

CatsCoffeeAndBooks Tue 08-Sep-20 09:54:17

I want to get married, and he knows this. I am probably being really naive. When we were looking after the baby he got so attached to him but I was stupid to think this would make him want a baby with me. I really need to think about this relationship. I do a lot for him, and his daughter.

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Tue 08-Sep-20 09:54:52

What does he do for his daughter?

CatsCoffeeAndBooks Tue 08-Sep-20 09:57:07

His daughter comes to stay with us every weekend. I would say I spend more time with her than he does, she simply gets along with women better. She got on with J, the one year old but she got a bit jealous, although the attention was shared. She's an only child so she's not use to us sharing attention.

OP’s posts: |
CatsCoffeeAndBooks Tue 08-Sep-20 09:58:05

We all go on family day trips every weekend, he gives her a lot of attention and affection.

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Tue 08-Sep-20 09:58:48

He doesn't want more kids.

Either with you or full stop.
(Probably full stop).

He was very unfair not to make that clear to you, but it is possibly something he decided/firmed up on over time.

Or perhaps he lied by ommission about it from the start and thought you'd be persuadable to give up on having a child of your own (esp if you were step parenting a child rather than being "childless") and that you wouldn't end the relationship over it down the line.

Kids are wonderful but are also obviously a huge responsibility, can be very hard work, expensive etc. and he clearly doesn't want more.

This is always a risk with people who.slreafy have kids - their biological imperative (if they even felt one) to have them has been fulfilled, they can be indifferent to having more. I know a few couples like this, in some of them the women pulled the "contraceptive failure" routine to have one or more children, in other cases the women haven't had any kids of their own (so far).

It's very shitty bit they don't care, they figure the woman will be too invested to leave them, and if she does leave them, it's "oh well, I'll find someone else sooner or later".

CatsCoffeeAndBooks Tue 08-Sep-20 09:58:50

He is 4 years older than me.

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Tue 08-Sep-20 10:05:03

Oh my love. You are being used.

Men very frequently move in with a new girlfriend as housekeeper, PA and nanny when the wife has had enough.

It is desperately sad that his child prefers you over her own dad. He can't be making much of an effort to build a bond.

No nights in the week I see, no 50:50 childcare here. Not even on his weekends. He outsources to you. How come his wife gets all the shitty bits, i.e. school days and laundry and he gets all the weekend fun time? That's a peculiar arrangement for her to agree to. Every other weekend and at least one night in the week is normal.

ravenmum Tue 08-Sep-20 10:06:27

I do a lot for him, and his daughter.
He knows that children can be hard work, and is not actually that keen on doing the work himself, by the sound of it? I'd see it like Gilbert; it's not you he doubts, he just doesn't want a child.

GilbertMarkham Tue 08-Sep-20 10:08:12

Also when you met his DD, she was already (just) past the baby to toddler stage. You can hear about and try to appreciate how hard that stage is, but can be very difficult to fully grasp it if you haven't done it yourself ... Unless people were very lucky and got ine of those fabled sleep all the time, chilled babies, it is a marathon of sleep deprivation, colic, spewing, teething, shitty nappies, viruses, interrupted meals, walks, outings, snapping at each other etc.; and leaves many people with a sort of trauma (if that's not too dramatically) that makes them think "fuck no, go into that again wilingly .. no". That could one of the reasons why he was open to fostering a child but not having a baby from scratch as it were (though the lack of permanency could def. also have been a factor).

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd Tue 08-Sep-20 10:14:45

TorkTorkBam

Oh my love. You are being used.

Men very frequently move in with a new girlfriend as housekeeper, PA and nanny when the wife has had enough.

It is desperately sad that his child prefers you over her own dad. He can't be making much of an effort to build a bond.

No nights in the week I see, no 50:50 childcare here. Not even on his weekends. He outsources to you. How come his wife gets all the shitty bits, i.e. school days and laundry and he gets all the weekend fun time? That's a peculiar arrangement for her to agree to. Every other weekend and at least one night in the week is normal.

This!

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME ON THIS BLOKE! He has all he needs all his terms - someone to do all the donkey work in life, sex on tap, etc without needing to do a thing in return.

She's FOUR, she doesn't 'get along with women better', your boyfriend is a shit parent.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

He's not a 'partner', he doesn't want marriage or kids with you, he will never change. This is who he is: a shit boyfriend who uses you to backup parent his kid.

Gilbert is right, too.

You need to move on from this guy. He's not worth sacrificing everything you want in life for.

chubbyhotchoc Tue 08-Sep-20 10:16:50

Move on. He's not interested in making you happy. If you want to get married and have children I would not wait 3-4 years for it. Wasting your time. You're just an unpaid nanny

GilbertMarkham Tue 08-Sep-20 10:17:24

I should point out that in saying the above that I'd ever recommend as a "solution" you offering to take on the bulk of the load with a baby; I wouldn't recommend anyone have a baby with a man who doesn't really want to - because it's likely you could end up a single mum

Depending on your age, you need to either cut your losses and try to meet a partner who's not opposed to having children .. or if you feel it's not feasible, reconcile yourself with being an active step-mum.

GilbertMarkham Tue 08-Sep-20 10:20:09

sorry, I would *not recommend

WeEE Tue 08-Sep-20 10:21:10

Do you think he has possibly found being a parent incredibly hard work and that's why he doesn't want another child?

He's obviously not coping too well with his one Daughter (or is just too lazy and knows you will help out), but maybe he doesn't want to go through all of that again? I know my partner is now dead against another one after so many sleepless nights.

Either way, if a child is something you want and he's not willing to have another one, then I would move on. Maybe have a chat with him and tell him that you are really serious about having a child, and if he can't commit to that then you will leave.

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