I don’t think I’ll ever get over this

[eveisthelady]

Please can I have some reassurance because right now I feel horrific. My relationship of 10 years (we were together since we were 19) ended a few months back. Mutual decision in that we both felt that we weren’t getting on, bickering and generally feeling distant. He wants to be friends and says he will always care about me. I’m still in love with him and the future without him seems so bleak. No chance of us getting back together as he is now gently encouraging me to meet someone else (before anyone suggests it he hasn’t met anyone yet although says he is going to put himself out there and says I should do the same) but I fear that I’ll never ever meet anyone who feels like home to me in the same way. I know there are perfectly pleasant men out there but they aren’t him. I just feel really sad and lost

[Palavah]

It's hard to go straight from a relationship to being friends with someone.

Have you had a proper break from contact with him - by proper I mean at least a couple of months?

[scotsllb]

Sorry to hear this it's the worst pain.
I would scrap the friendship idea for now. No contact is the quickest most effective way to heal.
3 months with zero phone, text anything (obviously if you have kids you will need to find a way to communicate that keeps it's purely about them).

[Happyfrappe]

You have to go no contact to be able to move on, otherwise he'll always feel like home because you're not making the break and giving yourself the opportunity to feel and get used to your new life. And I know "you're sure" that he's not met anybody else, but if he's gently suggesting you should be.... I would prepare yourself that he probably has already. Time to get excited about the future, I promise you'll look back in years to come and wonder what took you so long!

[eveisthelady]

Thanks for replying. Will suggest going no contact for a couple of months if he really wants to move on, at the moment I’m just sitting and staring at my phone waiting for a text and I know it’s not healthy. Trying to think of positive distractions as I don’t feel ready to date yet

[dollypartonscoat]

No contact is the only way. 3 months minimum but I'd suggest at least 4

[Happyfrappe]

@eveisthelady

Thanks for replying. Will suggest going no contact for a couple of months if he really wants to move on, at the moment I’m just sitting and staring at my phone waiting for a text and I know it’s not healthy. Trying to think of positive distractions as I don’t feel ready to date yet

And that's absolutely fine if you don't want to date yet, it was a long relationship so you won't move on and feel better instantly. Focus on you and what makes you happy, whether that be fitness, reading, learning a new skill, getting a pet...focussing your mind on something else rather than starting at the phone will help you feel better about the whole process and it is a long process for most. Some days you'll feel great, other days you'll feel really down but as much as I wanted to scream at people who said this to me when I was in your shoes, they were right, time and self love are the best healers!

[Happyfrappe]

Also, don't suggest... tell him that's what you're doing... take back your power!

[LemonTT]

All you have to do is deal with the emotions you are feeling with due to the break up. There are many ways to do this and they will be personal to you. My route to recovery

1. A very short period of self wallowing. Usually involves bed rest and sleep. At this point you tell your friends.
   
2. Get your friends around you with chocolate, wine, movies and empathy. Your ex is not one of these friends
   
3. Get out and about. With friends and by yourself doing things you want to do and that you like doing.
   
4. Find something new and positive to fill the gap in your life. Be it knitting or training for a marathon. I find reading murder mysteries helps for me.
   
5. Take stock on whether you need professional support like counselling
   
6. Realise you have stopped lamenting him and the relationship
   

None of this involves hooking up with someone new. If that matters you will when the time is right for you.

Don’t have your ex in your life until you see him as nothing but a friend. The only reason you do is that you want him back. He knows this and is pushing you to move on in the only way he can. By hooking up. You will be in more pain when this happens.

[Summerhillsquare]

What excellent advice @LemonTT, I wish you were around when I had a break up!

[scotsllb]

Don't see if he agrees you decide and you stick to it. It's not up to him you have to put your well-being first
Don't give him anymore power over your emotions

[eveisthelady]

@LemonTT @Happyfrappe thank you have contacted a counsellor and looking for local yoga classes. Don’t even want to think about meeting someone new but it’s hard as I feel that around me people are getting pregnant and engaged and it’s pressurising, but I know these aren’t reasons to rush out and do the same

[LemonTT]

One of my mental approaches is to think of life like a book. Chapters end and characters get written out. But you need to be writing the book. Not having it written for you, for the most part anyway. Start writing the chapter where you get over him. Start writing that you are happy. If you see things that way and want them, they will happen.

Btw, Getting pregnant is a relatively easy achievement for most fertile women. And to be honest if you want to get engaged enough you just lower your standards.

Being a good parent parent in the right relationship is much harder to achieve. It shouldn’t be rushed and the catalyst is not a breakup.