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What should I do...?

(11 Posts)
LOTER16178 Mon 07-Sep-20 14:21:30

I’ve been dating a work colleague for around 3+ months (started messaging during lockdown) and have had a few issues along the way.

He is Romanian, I am English. I thought it was going to be a casual relationship, he never gave off any indication it was anything more however he has said he loves me and actually fell for me before he’d even spoken to me personally, having seen and interacted with me at work for 18 months prior.

He is quite possessive and controlling in nature; however I have always been firm and said I will always spend time with my friends and family and that he would never come above anyone else in my life. He seemed ok with this, but did check my phone (well originally his spare phone he gave me when mine ended up in the sea!) This ended up in me ending things a month or so into the relationship. I then regretted it and missed him a lot, so we tried again. We had split up again but still been chatting; him asking for another chance having realised his errors... (saying some hurtful things to me, just being generally not very nice at times verbally) I had arranged to spend Saturday with an old male friend and then us both meet our mutual female friend later in. I told him this however turns out he already knew as he had checked my phone (again) but swore 10+ times he hadn’t last week and turned up at my door, assuming to catch us at something. He was sorely disappointed when he saw me making 2 cups of tea in the kitchen but kept me talking for an hour outside asking “why are you hurting me”, “why did you lie to me”. I haven’t done either. I asked him to leave which he did and I heard nothing more until later that evening when he rung me, drunk from the pub (he normally doesn’t drink). He was shouting over the noise, but asking why I wouldn’t give him another chance and saying how much he loved me and wanted to come over. I said no as I knew he was drunk and in no position to drive. He tells me he trusts me but doesn’t trust others because “any man would want a woman like you”.

I saw him at work yesterday, he came to sit in my car and proceeded to take my phone and check the messages he had sent me when drunk that I hadn’t read and proceeded to delete them. He then asked for me to give him 2 days to prove himself because I had already wasted the time anyway on the relationship if we weren’t to be together. I said no but he asked me to think over the afternoon and let him know by the time he finished work if I’d be willing to see him. He said if it was a no he wouldn’t contact me again and would have to deal with loving me from afar but not being able to be with me. I didn’t make any contact and have heard nothing (surprisingly!) so perhaps he has kept to his word.

The problem is - I seem to want him to contact me and be with him. I am fully aware of the red flags, my friends are mostly of the opinion I deserve better and I know I do; but I just can’t shake him. I do have a love for him; not in love with him and don’t appear to be an invested as him but I just want him around me. Last night I would have done anything to have him beside me in bed.

I’ve been purely negative in this; he has been very generous, he regularly buys flowers/runs me baths, cooks for me and always pays me compliments and tells me how much he loves me and I make him want to be a better person and wants us to pull each other forward in life.

I think I can already guess the responses but thought I’d put it out there for some feedback. Please help solve my predicament!

OP’s posts: |
iano Mon 07-Sep-20 14:24:22

Run away as fast as you can!
He sounds deranged. You've only been going out for a few months and he's already paranoid.

MikeUniformMike Mon 07-Sep-20 14:25:10

Cut your losses now.

JorisBonson Mon 07-Sep-20 14:26:21

You're seriously putting up with this 3 months in.

Get rid before not gets worse.

mdh2020 Mon 07-Sep-20 14:26:30

This man is dangerous and one way or another you will get hurt. Put an end to this relationship now once and for all.

IJustWantSomeBees Mon 07-Sep-20 14:34:37

I suggest you start dating other people. I think you'll soon find that you miss the companionship and intimacy, not him as a person. He may not be 10/10 deranged but he is definitely being possessive of you, would you ever think it appropriate to treat him the way he is treating you? If you had a daughter what would you advise her to do in this situation?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 07-Sep-20 14:35:13

This is a disaster from the start. It will not get any better for you. Infact all he will further do is keep on checking on your phone and upping the power and control antes against you. His apparant niceness does not trump the fact that he is abusive towards you; that nicesness is all part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which he is meting out towards you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; did you for instance see your mother get treated similarly by your dad?. Are you codependent in relationships; his needs here are not more important than yours and you do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship here. He targeted you, of that I have no doubt at all. Are you really this desperate to have a man in your life that this specimen will somehow do?. What is so wrong here about being on your own?.

Why would you want to be with someone whom by your own admission you are not in love with?. You are being used here by this man for his own ends and he is taking you for an idiot . Stop further being the architect here of your own emotional downfall. He needs to be dumped now before you become ever more over invested and hurt emotionally. This is NOT a relationship you should be in because his behaviour towards you is abusive. You think you can handle him and his inherent abusiveness; you are so very wrong there. Do not let your pride here come before a fall.

Love your own self for a change. He does not and it sounds like you have poor boundaries and do not love your own self either. All this and more besides makes you far easier pickings for an abuser to come along and worm his way into your life. I would also urge you to enrol yourself onto Women's Aid's Freedom Programme as this could help you spot the danger signs.

ChickenwingChickenwing Mon 07-Sep-20 14:36:38

Oh god, read your OP and imagine someone else wrote it. Then run.

Mintjulia Mon 07-Sep-20 14:46:53


He has already spied on you re: the phone, lied to you about checking your phone, tried to put you down by 'saying some hurtful things to me, just being generally not very nice at times verbally', and turned up at your door in an attempt to catch you out. In the first five months!

He is a stalker in the making. Cut loose while you still have the chance. And give his phone back.

updownroundandround Mon 07-Sep-20 16:19:59

He's a controlling, abusive and horrible person. Why would you want him in your life at all ??

Consider this, if he's already checking up and stalking you, being verbally abusive and trying to control who you see, where you go and what you do...................after only 3 months of 'dating', WTAF would he be like in a year ???? confused

Get a grip, listen to your friends and DO NOT get involved with him again, EVER

Sakurami Mon 07-Sep-20 16:23:35

Seriously, stay away from this man. Jealous, possessive and controlling. You will end up changing your behaviour, having to continually prove your innocence and end up hating him and yourself.

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