Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Meeting with flakey friend(13 Posts)
Please forgive me here, I have high functioning ASD so not fantastic with social interaction sometimes or knowing how to say the right thing without coming across differently to how I mean.
Time 1: A friend messaged me last month asking to meet up, i suggested a date where we eat out in a few weeks which she agreed to. I asked her where she wanted to go (i drive and she doesnt). Friend read but didnt reply. I messaged her a few days before saying it might be too Last minute to eat now (booking needed) buy suggested coffee instead. She said she was now unable to but could I do next week.
Time 2: next week rolls around. We agreed Wednesday. I asked her where she fancied going. No reply. It got to Thursday and I messaged saying "well, I guess we didnt meet Wednesday... is everything alright?". Friend said shes having problems with things going on in life, but suggests meeting this week.
Time 3: agreed to meet this week on a Wednesday. She cancels saying she has double booked but could we do today I agree and say are you 100% sure about wanting to meet. We can put it off till shes in a better place. She insists she wants to meet up still.
Time 4: text has come through saying shes had a rubbish day and isnt up for socialising...I've read but not replied as I'm feeling fed up to be honest!
What would the best thing to say to this be. In annoyed and dont want to meet up for a while after this, but dont want to sound arsey with her if shes having a difficult time.
I tend to let go and wait for them to make a new move.
But... if you're worried about her, ring her and have a chat on the phone. You don't need to meet her to support her.
My friend is similar. Messaged me to ask if I wanted to meet for a drink. I say ok but I'm not free till 3.
Radio silence for 4 bloody days. Drives me insane. It's so rude!
I did mention yesterday that a simple yes or no would suffice and not leave me hanging on. I tend to let her behaviour go as I don't have many friends and need the company.
I would message her and say ‘ no probs. I know things are difficult for you just now but if you want to phone for a chat or need any support I’m here for you give me a ring any time. No pressure.’
Leave up to her. She can phone you when she feels like it. Youve done your bit. No point in rearranging the meal just now.
It sounds like she would like to see you but has a lot going on in her life. Maybe just do a phone catch up for now?
Friends don't treat each other like that.
Your feelings are important too OP and your friend sounds self absorbed ie she isn't considering your feelings or needs. I understand that she may have a lot going on but perhaps you do too. Perhaps you are rearranging or turning down events in order to meet her. We all have stuff going on and we're all busy.
I would just leave it for now. If she wants to talk she can call, if she wants to rearrange, she can suggest a time and date and book a place.
I would call a friend if I was really under the cosh in order to discuss as they're a friend and friends support each other. Friendships ideally are a two way street, both taking responsibility for the friendship. Any relationship needs two interested parties to thrive. It's natural for one person to need extra support from time to time and for you to need extra support from time to time.
You sound very considerate and kind. Perhaps your energy could be better directed elsewhere.
Thank you for helpful and lovely replies! Even with ASD, I would have got the message if it was me arranging to meet up all the time and getting blown off, this situation with the friend doing the arranging though has got me a bit stuck
The fact she is arranging tells me she wants to and feels guilty that she hasn’t caught up with you yet as the dates are all cancelled. I do think she’s trying. She’s just up to the eyes. If she didn’t care she’d say she’d arrange and then not get in touch to plan a date. You know a “we must do lunch, I’ll call you” and no call comes!
Perhaps she’s unwell. I had ME/Chronic fatigue and i was like that. I so wanted to meet friends and do normal stuff but when it came to it I just couldn’t. No matter how much I wanted to and tried to power through. My body just wouldn’t let me. It was soul destroying.
So yeah it’s bad manners that she’s cancelled so many times but there could be a genuine reason.
Hence I think two wrongs don’t make a right and ignoring her or taking the humph will achieve the same as a polite reply would. The outcome is the same. No dinner plans in the future. So I’d do it the nice way. Unless there is some reason why you particularly want her to know you’re pissed. I’m sure she already will tbh! Who wouldnt know after that lot.
So move on with no drama with a polite reply. Your good manners intact and the door open for future friendship later in the year or whatever.
Is she like this a lot? Or is this a new thing? I have a friend who is similar, she does it on a regular basis and I’ve given up on trying to meet up now. She never used to be flakey until she lost a LOT
of weight through surgery and her life and lifestyle drastically changed.
Too many chances, I have a friend that's flaky, although I haven't cut all ties with her, I let her make the first move and If she wants to see me then I let her lead the arrangements and when I happen to be free anyway just incase.
Please login first.