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Does he have anger issues or am I exaggerating?

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Lilemilia Sun 06-Sep-20 20:41:12

I’ve been reading mumsnet for years and have found some of the guidance on here very helpful. haven’t posted myself, but would now really appreciate your advice...basically I feel like our family life is unraveling. DH and I have been together 14yrs, we have two sons (10 and 5) who fight a lot. Whenever the kids aren’t busy with school or activities and we are all at home, they fight, riling each other up, screaming, etc. being mean to each other verbally, physically etc.
DH reacts in one of two ways: he leaves for a walk, then the kids usually calm down after a few minutes, but I feel like he abandons me with these issues and take the easy way out so to speak ... Or he gets very angry himself, mumbles how he can’t take all this noise and screaming any longer, sometimes clenches his fists, grits his teeth and generally just looks threatening and like he’s losing control. Today he pushed the younger one into a room to separate him from his brother, in my opinion he did this too roughly and my younger child was truly scared for a moment (I went and calmed him down immediately).
DH really really wanted these kids (in fact he wants more, which I think we couldn’t handle) and he’s usually gentle if somewhat passive, but he’s had more outbursts recently since pandemic stress hit, he lost his work for a while (on one occasion he broke his finger, by punching a wall when he was frustrated with the kids fighting)....
I can be angry and frustrated too and probably impulsive, so i feel I can’t judge too much (he also says this to me in way that I can’t criticize him because I do get angry as well), but on the other hand I don’t get physical and feel horrible when we are all at home with the screaming and fighting and generally being out of control. I want us to tackle this, but have no idea where to start and most of all how to address this with DH so he won’t just get defensive but actually work on it. I’ve suggested therapy and parenting classes, but I have to organise everything and he’s very hard to plan around because he puts his work schedule (long hours and travel) above everything, somewhat understandably having recently lost a job...
Do you all think this can be handled and get better at all? And how and where do I start?

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