Fuck! I think DP has death grip

(37 Posts)
HelloPonDiOtherSide Sun 06-Sep-20 19:48:22

Name changed as this is deeply personal.

Having read the recent thread about another mumsnetter and her new DP being unable to climax, then googling death grip I think DH has it.

We have been together for 15 years. For the first half we had sex everyday/most days and mostly it was a great relationship. Then DC came along and things changed. We sleep in separate rooms due to snoring which obviously affects availability. I know he watches porn. This upsets me but all men do it etc etc.

We probably have sex every few weekends and mostly after drinking. He now struggles to come and as it's usually very active, we sort of give up once I'm knackered - I'm much less fit than him and a tad overweight. I always thought it was because of drinking (and a mix of me being overweight and him finding me less attractive) as it used to happen in the past but now it most times. He does come quickly from blowjobs when sober.

I'm not really sure what I want from this thread but I'm really not sure how to process this and it's quite upsetting to realise. I suppose just other people's experiences of this would really help. I feel like I need to do a test sex run when he's sober 😳 that won't be much fun.

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ClashCityRocker Sun 06-Sep-20 20:04:38

Might well be the drink. Most blokes I've encountered last longer with a few drinks inside them - irritatingly so in some cases.

Teedeepie Sun 06-Sep-20 20:05:58

I experienced this around 4 years ago with a guy I met through online dating hmm and when we started a physical relationship after a few dates... it just went on and on and on and on... I am sure you get the drill (actually It was a bit like a drill grin).

At the time I was a bit clueless as to why it was happening and what the problem could be.

According to him there was no problem. i think he was actually quite proud of his stamina. But being put in a hundred different positions for over an hour while someone pounds you certainly wasn’t the kind of intimacy I was looking for shock.

It was tiresome, soul destroying and uncomfortable.

After finding Mumsnet I suspect it was the dreaded “death grip” as he had been single a while. Fortunately for me things didn’t work out and he disappeared... when he sent me a message a few months later... I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and blocked him on everything.

Not as easy for you I suspect. Maybe a chat about counselling (specifically sex therapy) might be useful to open up the conversation.

Teedeepie Sun 06-Sep-20 20:07:42

Oh and just to clarify it happened whether drink was involved or not...

Angrymum22 Sun 06-Sep-20 20:07:46

Yes contrary to the brewers droop theory, DH could go on all night after a few drinks. Sometimes a bonus but mostly it gets very boring. We have an agreement that if it’s not happening we have another go in the morning.

Redannie118 Sun 06-Sep-20 20:09:20

Im guessing if he comes quickly through oral when sober its not death grip? Sounds like its just the alcohol. Would you be able to have some time aline together without kids ? Maybe a night away or even just an afternoon?

Higgeldypiggeldy35 Sun 06-Sep-20 20:33:52

Not all men watch porn by the way, in case you think it's the norm. Just talk to your partner about it and see what he says.


Saggyoldsofa Sun 06-Sep-20 20:41:39

Oh god I had one like this. Absolutely awful. Hr also thought I should be impressed by his stamina. He basically couldnt come any old way except on his own.

I dont know what to suggest.... could it be age??

Saggyoldsofa Sun 06-Sep-20 20:44:00

There is nothing worse than looking up at someone in the middle of giving them a blow job and seeing them staring at the ceiling with a look of sheer boredom. Aside from younlooking at the ceiling whilst they twiddle you like a radio dial .....

At least he comes through oral, but that is not much comfort for you.

HelloPonDiOtherSide Sun 06-Sep-20 21:25:38

Thanks everyone. Sorry. Realised the the time and have completed a mad dash of Sunday showers and hair plaiting in preparation for school tomorrow.

Without alcohol he used to be far too quick so it was a welcome change and switched it up a bit for us. It's never been a stamina/bragadoccio kind of thing with him but I do think he was happy with it. We did used to joke about it. I think he finds it as annoying as I do now that it's just never ending rather than just long enough that you're really happy with it. He tells me that he really enjoys it but just can't come so I would imagine he still feels the same apart from the climax.

In my head it was because for a few times he hadn't been able to (then in became a few times in a row) and we spoke about that so now there is a pressure which never leads to good things but reading that post and an article that was shared, it made a lot of sense.

We do have a very rare child free weekend next weekend and I have tried to plan that we are with another couple as lockdown has meant we are spending so much time together I think it will mean we can be together as well as apart and it should be the right mix. We alll go through ups and downs and we are in a bit of a down at the minute.

OP’s posts: |
HelloPonDiOtherSide Sun 06-Sep-20 21:29:38

@Angrymum22 yes that's what we used to do. However he also has an issue of a right foreskin that he refuses to get seen so one lengthy session and he's in pain for a while after so sometimes not worth it. Also by then DC are up.

Urgh. How did it come to bimonthly sex sessions that never end from once feeling like loved up nymphs 😫

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gamerchick Sun 06-Sep-20 21:38:32

Nothing worse than a jumper who just goes on and on all proud like.

A finger up the arse with a wiggle usually puts paid to that though.

Not that that opinion gets anywhere on here from past experience.

gamerchick Sun 06-Sep-20 21:38:48


Anordinarymum Sun 06-Sep-20 21:43:59


Nothing worse than a jumper who just goes on and on all proud like.

A finger up the arse with a wiggle usually puts paid to that though.

Not that that opinion gets anywhere on here from past experience.


HelloPonDiOtherSide Sun 06-Sep-20 21:46:34

I'll let him to that to himself! I have images of a rusty finger and it puts me off somewhat. @gamerchick

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Bellesavage Sun 06-Sep-20 22:05:55

I'd get him to the doctor to sort out the foreskin and also the snoring. If you were back in the same room then a lot of this might smooth out (he'd have less opportunity for porn for one thing!)

cheezy Sun 06-Sep-20 22:13:01

I have this with new fella. Hours of being pounded. It does nothing for me.

HelloPonDiOtherSide Sun 06-Sep-20 22:16:30

It is I that snores 😳 because I'm overweight.

It's also hard to fall asleep together now. We slept in the same bed last week. Can't remember why but we both struggled. Assume we would get used to it again but may take a while.

The foreskin is the Bain of my life. He refuses to see a doctor. He knows what he needs and is scared of operations so won't do a bloody thing about it. He was stretching it after google told him to and that really helped but I think he's stopped that for a while. He was having baths and I think doing it then. He would then pour the tap just before getting out. I assumed to hide the sound of him masturbating after playing with it for a while and it used to to upset me. But then he once picked a sock up that had loads of white stuff on it which I assumed was semen. I spoke to him days later about not liking to see evidence and he said I watched too much American pie and no one wanks into socks so I could be incorrect.

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HelloPonDiOtherSide Sun 06-Sep-20 22:17:30

@cheezy what will you do? If he's new will you continue the relationship?

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UnpaintedPaint Sun 06-Sep-20 22:19:14

He’s taking viagra, they are all taking viagra.

JudyGemstone Sun 06-Sep-20 22:29:08

They all wank into socks too.

All men do not watch porn, not by a long way. This sounds deeply unsatisfying for you.

Boatingforthestars Sun 06-Sep-20 23:11:28

Answers from a bloke, in all seriousness it's probably the drink or just stage fright if your not intimate a lot.
As soon as he feels like something should happen and it doesnt, the pressure builds and it just wont happen.

No it's nothing to do with him not finding you attractive, that makes no difference, if his chaps standing to attention then you are not the problem and he is definitely keen.

Also no it's not viagra, they dont necessarily make you go longer, just give you the ability to go again and again, also slightly enhance the dimensionz of his tool!

UnpaintedPaint Sun 06-Sep-20 23:12:20

Viagra, does make men go for longer, honestly.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches Sun 06-Sep-20 23:19:58

Oh god I think exh had this when we were together! He was always masturbating to porn, and couldn’t come from piv. Had to come out and masturbate to orgasm.

No idea what he’s like with his subsequent partners obviously!

Thehogfatherstolemycurry Sun 06-Sep-20 23:40:47

It's the alcohol I bet. I won't even consider sex with dh if he's had more than 2 glasses of wine.

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