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Am I in the wrong here..

(74 Posts)
year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:05:20

Totally prepared to be told I am.. and if I am then I don’t have to be angry about it!!

DP and I have quite different interests. We have lots in common in terms of who we are and we get on great. This isn’t a big problem but it’s something he KEEPS bringing up and it’s getting to me a bit.

So he often (I would say often) wants to have conversations with me about things only he is interested in. For example, last night we watched an entire Metallica gig on tv. I really don’t like Metallica, and it was annoying because it was the only thing we watched together. During this he also wants me to be talking to him about fucking METALLICA, despite me knowing exactly 0 of their albums because it’s not my thing.

Today I have been cleaning the flat and he’s pestering me to sit down and watch.. the cricket. I don’t like cricket. It’s so boring. I come and sit down and watch it and he talks at me about cricket, which I know nothing about and therefore literally cannot contribute to the conversation other than asking him vague questions.

I also had to do work today so I went and did that and he was annoyed because he thinks I’m “dismissive” of stuff he’s interested in. I personally don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to spend like, over an hour at a time watching something I have no interest in, and also fully engaging in it and listening to him tell me about it.

Am I being totally mad here? I don’t really get it because just chatting about stuff he’s interested in is fine and actually I do that every day. It’s just, I’m sorry but I’m not watching an entire cricket match whilst listening to him tell me about fucking cricket when I DON’T LIKE CRICKET. 😂 for over an hour!!

Also - I’ve asked him to watch plenty of films with me but he won’t because “he doesn’t like them”.

I just feel as though sometimes he doesn’t value my time and doesn’t think anything of getting annoyed at me for not wanting to spend an hour listening to him talk about something I know absolutely nothing about. 😔

OP’s posts: |
year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:06:10

I should add we left the conversation with me apologising for coming off dismissive (if I did) and saying that I would make sure not to do that in future. I’m just quietly angry 😂

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Fallsballs Sun 06-Sep-20 17:10:53

He sounds like a raging, opinionated bore and not considerate of your needs as an individual. Not a great prospect OP.
My advice would be to run.

year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:14:40

@Fallsballs he’s just someone to whom it’s really important to share his interests with his partner in a deep way. And I think he can’t see past that to the fact that actually, that doesn’t trump the fact that I... don’t share those interests. Maybe he would be happier with someone who did sad

He won’t watch strictly with me even though I’d love him to, or if he does he sits on his phone and doesn’t really watch it anyway.

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ClementineWoolysocks Sun 06-Sep-20 17:15:02

He's a bore who loves the sound of his own voice. He doesn't want you to engage with him he wants you to listen to his oh so superior 'I know everything on this subject' knowledge and to be suitably impressed.

Fallsballs Sun 06-Sep-20 17:19:54

If he cared, deeply, about his partner he wouldn’t expect them to deeply share his interests. They are his, not yours !
Sorry OP, he sounds awful.

Shoxfordian Sun 06-Sep-20 17:22:26

It's all on his terms
You should like and listen to everything he likes but he won't make any effort to do the same. Its shit
Dump him so he can find the imaginary woman with all his interests

Crocky Sun 06-Sep-20 17:22:36

year5teacher

*@Fallsballs* he’s just someone to whom it’s really important to share his interests with his partner in a deep way. And I think he can’t see past that to the fact that actually, that doesn’t trump the fact that I... don’t share those interests. Maybe he would be happier with someone who did sad

He won’t watch strictly with me even though I’d love him to, or if he does he sits on his phone and doesn’t really watch it anyway.

If he really believed that it was important surely he would afford you the same courtesy? Why on earth is he so much more important than you?!

PositiveLife Sun 06-Sep-20 17:23:55

I'd ditch him for the double standards. He expects you to engage with the stuff he likes but won't do the same for you? hmm

TimelyManor Sun 06-Sep-20 17:24:29

Urgh, he sounds just like my ex. I was all manner of bad for not supporting his hobby life choice (which isn't true) but wouldn't put himself out to do anything together.

Interesting that he even gets annoyed at you for getting on with your work rather than being his audience. Fuck that.

CareBearFan Sun 06-Sep-20 17:26:23

Please dump him. Thus will not improve.

TorkTorkBam Sun 06-Sep-20 17:26:33

Stop apologising. Stop sitting and watching the boring shit. Be more like him. Say no. Mean no. Give no fucks if the other one is a bit disappointed.

Cyderdelic Sun 06-Sep-20 17:27:13

It all sounds terribly one way, and that his interests are the only ones giving any time to. I couldn't stay in such an unbalanced relationship personally, but i'm jaded from spending 20 years with an arse who would sit and tell me everyting he hated about what I was enjoying, be it films, music etc, then got upset that I couldn't even manage to pretend to be vaguely interested in football, crcket or bloody darts as apparently that was being unsupportivehmm

year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:27:33

We share a lot of things, like what we enjoy doing on weekend (walls etc) but I personally feel that if there’s something I like and he really doesn’t like it... why would I expect him to watch it for an hour?
I think it’s more that he would love to be having a two way conversation about the things he likes, but sometimes when I have no knowledge of it (like cricket) I just can’t do that, and then he thinks I’m being dismissive.

OP’s posts: |
ClementineWoolysocks Sun 06-Sep-20 17:34:22

I think it’s more that he would love to be having a two way conversation about the things he likes, but sometimes when I have no knowledge of it (like cricket) I just can’t do that, and then he thinks I’m being dismissive

But he knows that you can't have a two-way conversation about something you have no knowledge of unless you ask questions, that gives him the perfect opportunity to show off how much he knows.
It shows a complete lack of emotional intelligence to go on and on about a subject the other person clearly has no interest in.

year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:36:05

@ClementineWoolysocks with cricket he tries to discuss the game with me but I can’t really comment on it because I can never remember the rules. He doesn’t tell me cricket facts or anything, I think he just wants me to be able to talk about it with him, he KNOWS I can’t and I’ll be fucked if I’m learning the rules of cricket. In fact I’m going to actively forget the little I actually do know about it now.

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TorkTorkBam Sun 06-Sep-20 17:39:45

The problem could be with lack of clarity.

You sit down to watch the cricket for an hour and no doubt are dismissive because you don't want to be there and are not interested.

Solution: don't sit down in the first place! Don't try to make fake small talk about cricket or Metallica.

Be absolutely 100% clear "I cannot stand cricket. Go ahead and watch it, I will be in the garden, enjoy, see you later." Or "Invite Dave round, he likes Metallica, I cannot bear them, I will do something else."

Stop the mixed messages. You don't like X, you will not be participating.

SuzieCarmichael Sun 06-Sep-20 17:42:26

Well he’s not reciprocating is he. Next time he wants you to do something he’s interested in, tell him that you’ve done that twice recently and he owes you 2 equivalents before it is his turn again. You could even give him a motivating pep talk about the importance of couples taking an interest in each others’ interests and how it brings people closer together and so on - if you can keep a straight face ...

year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:46:13

@SuzieCarmichael 😂 love it! I feel like I’ve made him sound worse than he is - he’s a loving, kind, supportive partner who does a LOT for me and he always listens to me talk about my day. I think he finds it disappointing that I can’t share his interests and for some reason he finds it hard to get that I have no obligation to spend a long time doing/talking about something I have no interest in - and despite his good qualities I don’t think this is ok. We’ll have to have a proper talk about it I think.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Sun 06-Sep-20 17:46:39

Stop doing anything you don't enjoy
Go watch a film or read a book while he watches cricket.
Or just dump him, life's too short

FatCatThinCat Sun 06-Sep-20 17:48:46

Yep he's an overbearing bore.

My husband would love me to watch the same boring shit he does and have conversations about things he's interested in. But he doesn't impose that on me because he's not a twat.

Icanflyhigh Sun 06-Sep-20 17:53:23

This sounds a lot like me and DP, and his insistence to talk at me about MUNDANE SHITE just as my fave program is on..... so I make a huge point of pausing the TV and staring at him intently, and letting him speak, and as soon as he has finished I ask if he's done....
And then we laugh, and he says, I do that every fucking time don't I?! I say yes, we laugh some more and he shushes!
Doesn't have to be a big deal. He oikes watching documentaries about aeroplanes, boats and the cold War. I like emmerdale and coronation st. No great shakes, its life!

picklemewalnuts Sun 06-Sep-20 17:55:31

It doesn't need to be a big deal, just quietly insist he do the same for you. So strictly, films, gardening shows- knitting marathons, if that's your thing. Make him sit with you and engage fully in it.

Then have a chat about what worked and what didn't, and decide whether you are going to develop an I Teresa in each other's stuff, or use it as an opportunity to pursue your own interests.

WinterSunglasses Sun 06-Sep-20 17:56:29

Doesn't he have friends he can talk to who share these interests?

year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:59:08

WinterSunglasses

Doesn't he have friends he can talk to who share these interests?

He is in a band with his mate who he talks to about music a lot. He talks to his dad about cricket/sport but they live hours away. His other big interest is plants but I share that one so it’s cool.

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