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Everything else is fine - am I being petty (TLDR: DH doesn't want sex)

(17 Posts)
thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 12:48:08

New username as rejoined after a break and want to be anonymous for this.

Together ten years, married for 4. 2DC.
He's two years older than me. So not ancient!

I think he would be fine with it if we never bothered having sex ever again. I always initiate, he agrees maybe 1-2 times per month. It makes me feel so unwanted that I stopped asking. Then it happens even less. When it does happen it is routine and boring for me (especially because I had to ask, which is such a passion killer). There is no porn or other women (I am 100 percent sure). He just isn't interested in that side of life anymore.

In every other aspect our relationship is great. I love him dearly and don't want to split but it's making me resentful and sad. I've talked to him about it and he makes an effort for a bit but then it goes back to normal.

I'm bored to tears in that dimension and feel like I've no option but to resign myself to this being it. I've maybe what, ten years before hormones change and I lose interest in it myself?

Can anyone honestly tell me if this is normal for a thirty something man / marriage and should I just get over it? I feel like the rest of my youth is slipping away and I'm really missing out on this side of it.

I've considered asking him for an open relationship but I know that it won't work as I get attached to people (sex = bonding hormone!) and I don't want to ruin our marriage.

OP’s posts: |
Dollyrocket Sun 06-Sep-20 15:03:08

Why would wanting decent sex be petty?

thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 15:15:30

Well I guess I feel I should be grateful for the other stuff - no one is perfect. So if this is my only issue with the relationship it is worth changing everything over? So wanted to know if this is simply to be expected and I should lower my expectations in this area.

OP’s posts: |
Dollyrocket Sun 06-Sep-20 16:29:47

But it’s important to you, so why should you minimise your needs?

Also, hormone changes are certainly no guarantee of your libido diminishing.

Are you both affectionate at all? Any other intimacy? Or basically like housemates?

The problem isn’t just the lack of sex imho, it’s usually deeper than that, the lack of feeling attractive or desired by your partner can really have a detrimental affect on your self esteem and confidence over time and this can lead to all sorts of other problems. Especially resentment and potentially emotional / physical affairs as your needs are being ignored and you end up looking elsewhere.

VivaMiltonKeynes Sun 06-Sep-20 16:35:31


I've maybe what, ten years before hormones change and I lose interest in it myself?

Who the hell told you that ?

thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 16:43:40

@VivaMiltonKeynes no one in particular. I thought that menopause would decrease libido since you don't have the same hormones anymore. Would love for that to be wrong.

OP’s posts: |
thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 16:46:43

@Dollyrocket we are friends and we are physically affectionate. I am bothered about this part of life disappointing/disappearing and he just isn't. Yes I can see it leading to more issues. Not sure if it's too late as I feel like the whole thing has made him sexually unattractive to me. Which is then another hurdle to it getting better. I hope that makes sense.

OP’s posts: |
thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 16:51:22

What would you do?

1. Insist on therapy
2. Settle
3. Split - not an option 💔
4. Open relationship

OP’s posts: |
thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 16:52:07

He is a really private person and would hate couple therapy but I think he would try it.

OP’s posts: |
Pesimistic Sun 06-Sep-20 16:55:38

Sex is a huge part of a romantic relationship, without it you cant realy be connected.

rorosemary Sun 06-Sep-20 16:58:22

It is reasonable for him not to want sex, it is also reasonable for you to want sex. There is no right or wrong or petty here. Either you two work something out that makes you both happy or you find someone who will,

GinWithRosie Sun 06-Sep-20 17:11:58

Post menopausal 56 year old woman here OP. I promise sex drive is higher now than it was before 😉

Do not give up on your own needs. Talk to your DH, go for couples counselling if necessary, do whatever it takes...but don't give up just because his desire has waned. If he won't agree to do these things...he's being selfish and you may well have to consider the future of your relationship.

year5teacher Sun 06-Sep-20 17:17:40

@GinWithRosie has it nailed - try the counselling because it’s worth trying to save, but if he won’t make an effort then that is much more telling.

Skyla2005 Sun 06-Sep-20 17:31:24

He should go to the go and get things checked out. I’m sure it’s. or right for a man to have no sex drive ? Testosterone makes sure they reproduce it’s a basic instinct In a man. I’ve read so many posts on here from women feeling they shouldn’t complain about lack of intimacy but it is slowly Eats away at their self esteem and makes them feel very down and depressed. Sex is a big part of a relationship for most couples you are not being unreasonable for wanting that side of things. A marriage without sex is a friendship in my opinion x

thirtyfuckingfive Sun 06-Sep-20 17:46:00

Thank you @GinWithRosie that is great to hear!

Yes I will start with trying to get him to go to doctor @Skyla2005 that's a good point. I didn't think it was normal either but maybe it's a case of partly having gotten too comfortable/ also low testosterone??

OP’s posts: |
BubblyBarbara Sun 06-Sep-20 18:10:27

Sex is a huge part of a romantic relationship, without it you cant realy be connected.

That is just not correct

VivaMiltonKeynes Sun 06-Sep-20 19:54:11


*Sex is a huge part of a romantic relationship, without it you cant realy be connected.*

That is just not correct

I used to think that when I was in a relationship with no sex . Now that I am out of it and in a loving sexual one I realise just how important it is (as well as everything else) .

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