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Is marriage supposed to make me feel this low?

(64 Posts)
MoonlightMile12 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:21:48

*NC because DH is on here.

I'm married to a lovely man, great dad. Things could be worse, so much worse and I know that. I also know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, I like my grass and want to keep it green. However, I'm losing my mind.

Has anyone else's feelings towards their husband changed dramatically since you had kids?

DS is almost one. We tried SO hard to have him, multiple ivf's. He's the best little human we could've wished for.

I think being on maternity leave then furlough, being at home every single day has made me see things much differently.

DH is so selfish. So, so selfish

Examples:

Finances - wouldn't agree to a joint account, earns a substantial wage in comparison with my maternity pay (prior to being a mum I worked full time with a good wage) left me to still pay the mortgage and council tax leaving me with next to nothing every month. Made me feel so low having to ask for help. (He did help when asked, but if we had joint finances things would be equal)

Bought himself countless items (games, tech thingys, etc) I have holes in my jeans.

He inherited money from his dad for "our family" he paid off his credit card (was a fair few grand) whilst leaving me struggling, never offered to help because I only have a small credit card bill compared to him.

I recently had to take a covid test, thankfully negative. I was SO sick, haven't been like that for a long time. He told me how inconvenient it was that he had to take time off work (he was paid in full) I had no help with the baby and when my test came back negative he treated me as though I wasn't sick, I just needed a hug or basically help. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for being sick.

We've spoke about how I feel time and time again, he says sorry and gets upset and tells me he loves me and then will do a very out of character grand gesture, but I feel they're done for his benefit not mine, but then I also think I'm
taking it wrong and he had good intentions?

Example:

We don't have sex anymore, probably twice a month if that (more recently not at all) But on the rare occasion we did have sex a few months ago I got pregnant, naturally (needed so much fertility treatment to have DS, DH has male factor fertility issues) this wasnt ideal but gave us some happiness

Unfortunately I miscarried, DH booked a hotel for a week later to "make me feel special" he asked me to buy nice underwear (he's NEVER done this) I was still bleeding from miscarriage and to be frank, i felt like absolute shite.

He then booked an expensive meal last week (he knew I had no means to contribute) and commented "I've just spent £70 on a meal, am I getting lucky tonight?" Again even that language is out of character.

I've told him I want to split up, I don't know how to make it better. He flat out told me "I can't change because I do stupid things and I'll always do stupid things"

Is marriage supposed to be like this? I'm 27 and I feel so worthless and like my life is just over. I'm starting university, I'm going to be a nurse so I have a future. I just feel like this isn't the relationship I imagined I'd have.

I don't expect to be wined and dined constantly but the man has watched me struggle whilst spending hundreds on retro gaming stuff while I can't even afford clothes. Everything about me comes last to him, I cant do it anymore.

I've had a hard few months (like we all have) I just can't do this I feel so depressed, every day I feel like just leaving and never coming back.

I don't know why I'm posting. I need to vent or something or just need help I don't know.

OP’s posts: |
MoonlightMile12 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:23:50

And last night he walked out of his job because he was "stressed" and told them he's having problems at home.

I'm starting uni tomorrow and petrified he's going to lose his job. I can't financially run the house I got a small loan.

OP’s posts: |
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Sun 06-Sep-20 10:25:03

He’s a cunt, love. He’s not a lovely man or a great dad.

I’m sorry. I would leave. I’m so sorry about your miscarriage.

He sounds utterly selfish and vile and I would struggle to have any respect for a man who expects his wife to pay the mortgage and bills out of a reduced wage while spending money on himself. It’s actually financial abuse.

WinterSunglasses Sun 06-Sep-20 10:25:44

He doesn't sound at all lovely. Go ahead and move out. Then perhaps he'll see you mean what you say. Is the house in joint names? Have you got somewhere you could go and stay?

jackstini Sun 06-Sep-20 10:28:11

He is not lovely at all and you deserve so much better

You've taken the first step by telling him, time to follow through. You are very young and I bet if you try and imagine spending the next 60 years with him you'll feel sick

Good luck for moving on

So sorry for your miscarriage thanks

Skingaling Sun 06-Sep-20 10:29:00

This isn't a lovely man. Why on earth do you think he's a lovely man? Really? You've just posted a load of stuff which means he's actually really fucking foul.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:30:02

The leaving his job thing is to sabotage your uni dreams lovely
He's trying to funk you over, you need a plan thanks

MoonlightMile12 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:31:02

House is in joint names, I can stay with my mum.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 06-Sep-20 10:31:33

Would seek legal advice with regards to divorcing this millstone of a man.

Marriage is not supposed to be like this at all. You also married a supremely selfish and financially abusive man and as such this was never going to work anyway. Its all about him, his needs and his wants; you and for that matter your son do not figure in his plans.

madcatladyforever Sun 06-Sep-20 10:32:23

Hes vile and I would not tolerate him for one more second. I went through university as a single mum with a mortgage and we got by. It was hard but its doable. Leave this useless bastard.
How dare he treat you like this.

MoonlightMile12 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:32:59

@Skingaling he has lovely aspects, he has just has become the most selfish person. I can't write how much I hate him on here because I don't hate him, it's all just hitting me at once that I've been so unhappy and I can't face being this unhappy for the rest of my life

OP’s posts: |
QuentinWinters Sun 06-Sep-20 10:34:24

Tell us what the lovely things are. Because tbh they would have to be pretty fucking amazing to balance out the fact he doesn't pull his weight financially or with childcare and doesn't look after you when you're ill.
It's hard when the scales fall, I know. You've built a narrative that he isa great husband and dad, no doubt he plays up to that in front of others. But it sounds like he is not at all great. And is 100% failing at being a partner to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 06-Sep-20 10:34:48

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment as well when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As indeed you have done here.

Why did you also write he is a lovely man; he is anything but lovely. Was that you trying to put a gloss on things?.

He is NOT a good dad to his child if he treats you like this. Its no reflection on you personally that he is a shit of the first order and so he needs to be out of your day to day life.

Skingaling Sun 06-Sep-20 10:35:23

It's not about whether you hate him or not, just that the things you've mentioned he's done are abusive. So it's hard to imagine that there's anything about him so redeeming as to make anyone think he's 'lovely'.

Longlockdown Sun 06-Sep-20 10:36:35

You're better off starting to live without him - he won't change. He's already told you that.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Try saying, "I'm so glad you were able to tell me the truth, and say that you can't change. It's not reasonable of me now to expect you to be different. So, I'm hearing you, and I agree, it's best we split up. Thank you for your honesty, it's really good of you."
Then pack his tucking bags, start uni ~and meet a lovely anaesthetist~
Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 06-Sep-20 10:36:56

His loveliness was just an act designed to draw you in and in common with many abusive men its an act he cannot maintain long term. This is who he really is - and has been all along.

Leafy12 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:38:19

Ugh.
Look to your future and your career and make plans to leave. Thank your lucky stars you saw this now while you are still young. I knew you were ready to leave by the title of your post.

FATEdestiny Sun 06-Sep-20 10:39:08

What would be the outcome if you informed him that all financial accounts (current, savings and credit) will be joint?

MoonlightMile12 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:39:25

Okay, let's drop the lovely then. I just feel so awful. It's so hard when I've communicated the issues to him and he agrees with me, but says he's stupid and doesn't know how to change or that he's trying.

I feel like every day is a constant let down. I'm due my loan soon, that will give me some financial freedom. I will seek legal advice and see what I can do.

We have a low mortgage, I could do it. Bills might be tricky but again, I could work it out I'm sure. I've got a part time job coming up and I can sort childcare. I've started to get the ball rolling I just need to keep it rolling

OP’s posts: |
SnuggyBuggy Sun 06-Sep-20 10:40:21

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and it sounds like he's mentally checked out.

TOFO1965 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:40:25

He really isn’t lovely at all, in any aspect. What you have now is the real him. Get out, build a new and better life.

ivfbeenbusy Sun 06-Sep-20 10:41:34

I normally try and see it from the blokes point of view at least a little bit but on this occasion I can't and I really do think he is a selfish dick!
The lack of joint finances is unforgivable as it the pressure to have sex
I can't see this marriage going anywhere and you're just going to get more and more unhappy

Longlockdown Sun 06-Sep-20 10:42:59

You sound like someone with their head screwed on, that's why he picked you, to make his life easier. Problem is, it's at your expense. Lots of women on here have left & moved onto something more lovely.
You're going to be great.
Mum / legal advice is a great combo.
Have a wonderful Christmas with your son.

Longlockdown Sun 06-Sep-20 10:43:52

And you don't have to drag his name through the mud, or even have a reason.
For you, it's not okay.
That is enough.

frazzledasarock Sun 06-Sep-20 10:45:04

He walked out of his job following you telling him you want to split up?

Sounds like someone’s strategically manoeuvring ready to not pay anything during a divorce.

Get legal advice.

Speak to women’s aid.

Tell your family and friends.

He’s very abusive. Not interested in sex unless you’re bleeding and have suffered and wouldn’t be physically comfortable having sex.

Not paying for anything making you use up your money whilst you’re on limited income taking care of your shared child.

No marriage is not meant to be this or any kind of difficult at all. He is a dead weight and grinding you down.

Start getting your life back, get everything together to ensure you get the best deal possible for yourself and your baby.
Don’t tell him you want to leave. Until after you’ve gone.

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