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Dw and I decided last night not to have any dc. Heartbroken.

(132 Posts)
MalbecLARGE Sun 06-Sep-20 10:13:57


Just that really. Both women, so need a donor to have a baby, but finally came to the decision last night that we can't do it. We just can't get our heads around the fact that half of our dc genetics will be from a stranger, essentially. I would feel so much guilt and worry. Not that I'm against it generally, I just don't think we can get past that.

We have tried to get our heads around it, but we just can't and last night, I think we drew a line under it and today I feel like hiding in our room and crying.

I already have a dc from a previous relationship and so, I'm lucky to have them and my dw loves them to pieces. Over the past couple of years though, we were desperate to extend our family and it was just a matter of when really. Then we hit a wall and apparently we can't get round or over it.

We can be happy, just us 3, but I know I will always wonder...what if?

I was a young mum and so yes, on the up side we'll have our freedom back early etc, but we did want more dc so much. If only a miracle could happen! But it can't and so I think we now need to make peace with the fact that this is it.

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe for a bit of support or advice on how to move forward.

Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
SoulofanAggron Sun 06-Sep-20 10:22:41

Do you have any male friends you could ask to help out? I know a guy who helped out a friend and her partner. That way it's not just some stranger.

PicsInRed Sun 06-Sep-20 10:24:39

Is this what YOU actually want? You don't seem ok with it at all.

giletrouge Sun 06-Sep-20 10:29:02

Well I think you're really brave to make this decision. It's the kind of decision that, even it feels spot on right, involves grieving the 'what ifs'. You sound happy and strong with what you have, and that counts for such a lot OP. flowers

BrieAndChilli Sun 06-Sep-20 10:34:13

What’s your relationship with your ex like? Would he donate sperm so both your children had the same dad? But I suppose he would need to be just as involved in the new babies life as his existing child.

What about adopting? I known that then means all the dna would be unknown but it might be easier to deal with and explain that you decided to adopt them? They would know something about where they came from and why they were given up for adoption.

OpenFire Sun 06-Sep-20 10:40:36

My friend and her wife separated for very similar reasons.

It was a very difficult time for both of them so I really feel for you.

Although, in the case of my friend, it was that she had actually realised she didn't want children at all and the 'third party' concern was just an 'easy' out if that makes sense.

Could that be playing a part here? Or are you equally struggling with the genetic aspect of it?

Would it be worth working through it with a counsellor? After all, plenty of people adopt a child they have no genetic connection to.

YouJustDoYou Sun 06-Sep-20 10:44:37

My friends felt similar. In the end they each were fortunate enough to bear a child each by the same donor, he the siblings were half siblings. But they still think about the fact it's only "half" sad

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam Sun 06-Sep-20 10:48:33

It doesn't sound like it's what you want.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam Sun 06-Sep-20 10:49:50

But they still think about the fact it's only "half"

That seems odd to me. It's easy enough to not think about it. I have a stepchild, and as far as all the adults are concerned all of his new siblings on both sides are just his brothers and sisters. No need for the half to come into it at all.

Teacher12345 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:18:30

Why are genetics so important to you?
I have a birth son and an adopted daughter. They are no different in my eyes.
Your wife loves your DC despite sharing no genes with them. Why does it matter?

whatk8ydid Sun 06-Sep-20 11:20:35

You sound like you both have a lot of love to give, could/would you consider fostering? It's not for everyone, and may well open up a whole new can of worms. But there are children already out there who need a loving environment.

Regardless, it's definitely understandable to feel sad about coming to a final decision on this.

Mmn654123 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:28:25

We are in the same boat. Hard decision but we can’t get past the dad thing.

It’s heart breaking. But for us it’s the right decision and we also don’t want to adopt/foster etc.

RainingAllTheTime65 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:30:28

Sorry I'm just struggling to understand this.... Genetically we are all a mix of our ancestors, I have no idea what I am genetically, and what my half of the mix has offered to my child. A sperm donor is checked for knowable genetic carriers aren't they? Genetic characteristics/traits etc often skip generations, do you both know your family history well enough to identify which traits and characterists come from who?

I suppose what I'm also asking, is there characterists and physical traits that you would judge your child to have? Why do you care so much about knowing the genetic line?

I'm asking from genuine interest. Not judgement.

alfrew Sun 06-Sep-20 11:33:52

You don't sound as though you wanted this outcome at all OP.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 06-Sep-20 11:36:37

I think it's a very brave decision. When we live in ways that don't fit with our values the stress and anxiety is significant and harmful.

Take some time to come to terms with this then move on with love. You may find in time you can find other ways to use the nurturing and love you share. But please take your time, someone out there isn't going to fix this. Sometimes we have to come to terms with a future we didn't plan and it's not easy.

MalbecLARGE Sun 06-Sep-20 11:38:09

Thanks so much for the replies.

I don't think my OP was very clear actually. My dw and I would be fine with the genetics, as far as bounding etc goes. I 100% know we would love them like we had created them ourselves. I just know that, but I really worry about how the dc deals with it. Will they feel incomplete? Will they feel resentment? Will they meet their bio dad and be bitterly disappointed? Will they be embarrassed? I mean, the questions go on and on.

I would love to believe that all we need to do is shower them with love and surround them with family, including families like ours and talk positively about how they were conceived, but there are no guarantees they won't feel incomplete or angry.

Luckily, dw and I are on the same page. I think she would be able to go ahead and hope everything was fine, but has always said it's not a need. She doesn't have an ache for a baby or anything. She just thinks we would be able to give a dc a really good life.

Unfortunately, I do have that ache. Doesn't help that my friend has just had a gorgeous baby. I haven't met them yet, but I'm kind of dreading it tbh. Supposed to be in a couple of weeks.

@SoulofanAggron, not really, no. Considered dws brother at one point and he always offered, but there are lots of reasons that became a firm no. Don't have lots of male friends. Certainly none that we would ask to do this.

@BrieAndChilli, it's ok, but no, that wouldn't be an option. Dw doesn't get on with him and it would just feel really strange.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam, well in all honesty, it isn't sad

We had looked into adoption, but my dc is just about to start their GCSES and whereas yes, a baby could be disruptive for them, settling in an adoptive dc is likely going to be far more challenging and disruptive.

OP’s posts: |
Oly4 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:38:59

I also don’t understand why the genetics matter. Two loving parents is a wonderful set up for a child, regardless of the biology

RainingAllTheTime65 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:39:37

Oh I'm sorry, I misunderstood... Is the guilt and worry caused by the child not knowing half of his/ her lineage? I should have thought about that, it's a difficult decision to make.

Oly4 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:40:55

Just seen your update. We can’t foresee how children will behave, you don’t know they would be upset or start searching for their biological father.
If you wanted a baby, there’s nothing stopping you apart from some unfounded fears. But it’s only right to proceed if you both want the same thing

timeisnotaline Sun 06-Sep-20 11:42:38

I feel for anyone making these tough decisions, but have to add I’m another one who doesn’t understand the genetics question. To be a bit more blunt, I’m grateful that many adoptive parents have not felt this way and have made a difference to so many children. It doesn’t sound a great reason to me.

PaddingtonsHat Sun 06-Sep-20 11:47:33

I think you are overthinking this. Children are born or taken into into all sorts of families and grow up to be well adjusted and content adults. There is no reason to think they would resent you if they grow up with honesty and love.

RainingAllTheTime65 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:49:28

I'm so sorry that this is a decision that has been made on your behalf really. Ultimately the person who says no to having a child in any circumstance takes precedence but I can imagine it will take you some time to come to terms with it.

I also had my son when I was very young, and it's not quite the same bringing up a child with little wisdom or money, I always wanted to do it again when I was older, wiser and more affluent. I am in exactly the same boat as you in that way because my husband vetoed the idea when our son was a teenager. My son is now in his 20s and I am enjoying the freedom I never really had when I was young. I have came to terms with it. I'm sorry though xxxx

TooTrueToBeGood Sun 06-Sep-20 11:49:59

I think you are looking for problems that don't really exist. Your specific situation is relatively new because it's only recently that we've pulled ourselves out of the stone age and realised that same-sex couples are every bit as capable and entitled to loving relationships as heterosexual couples. Look at other more established examples where people raise children where they only have half or none of their DNA - adoption, fostering, step-parenting etc. Your children will value you as parents for the love you give them, not for what DNA you have in common, or not. Same sex couples are every bit as capable of giving children a loving and caring home and that is all any child really wants and needs.

Onefliesoverthecuckoosnest Sun 06-Sep-20 11:52:16

Just thought I would post our experience. I work in the adoption field, with children, so I gave a great deal of thought to how any children we would have may feel.

We decided to use a UK clinic and sperm donation that is anonymous to us, but our children can find out if they have biological siblings at 16, and who he is at 18, should they want to.

We have two children who are now pre-teens. They have two mums. They know that their 'father' is a lovely person who donated his sperm to enable us to become a family. They know that he is their biological father and they can find out who he is, and meet him, with our support when they are 18. We are very open about it.

They are full siblings. They do not, presently, feel a loss of a biological father that they don't know. They have two loving parents and a stable and happy home.

They may have questions and interest in their biological father as they grow up which we are very relaxed and understanding about. It would be lovely if he is a nice person and they can build an adult relationship with him, when they are themselves adults and if they want to.

It is probably not ideal and we acknowledge that. But show me a perfect/ideal family!

The children themselves are open about it, chat happily to their friends about it and have no issues at all. Of course they may develop with adolescence because that can be an emotional complicated time for ANY young people, and then we will do all we can to support them.

It is a very personal decision and you and your DW must do what is right for you. We gave it much thought and discussion, as we are both child care professionals, and we are comfortable with the path we took.

Good luck!

JoanJosephJim Sun 06-Sep-20 11:56:32

The legalities of using a non-clinic donor (ie a friend) can become problematic with rights of the father and the birth certificate.

My sister and her wife have a child through donor sperm through a sperm bank for want of a better description. Both of them are named as parents on the birth certificate and a lot of the donated sperm comes from Europe and it is actually cheaper.

I think the issue for me, and I have never dared to ask this question, is how many children is the donor allowed to father. I know my sister and wife have "banked" some of the sperm so that if they wanted another child it would have the same father but I don't know how many other potential children that man could father.

I have biological children with Dh and I never look at them and see 50% of me. Lots of parents raise children conceived within very short relationships and where the child has no contact with their biological father, so practically a stranger anyway.

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