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What the hell do I do??(10 Posts)
I'll try and cut this story very short and leave out unnecessary details. I used to have a best friend that I did everything with. We used to do everything together but our main thing was to go on nights out all the time. We were very close but there was emotional issues that she was dealing with from her childhood meaning that she bottled everything up and barely opened up. I was there for her regardless, let her know that I was there whenever she needed me and she appreciated that. She then went on to pretty much become a lost cause. She went to uni on the opposite side of the country and started drinking more and more everyday and got into drugs and smoking weed. She then got behind the wheel while she was absolutely hammered(not the first time either!) and writ off her car and lost her license. I was there for her but I was all for losing her license and thought she would learn her lesson after this. I was pretty pissed at her for this. Thankfully no one was hurt. She lived in foster homes and the foster carers she had at the time were the nicest people I have ever met and they always went above and beyond to spoil her and give her everything she wanted and treat her with love and respect. After the incident with the car, she completely cut them off without any notice or explanation. She just sent a text to say 'someone is coming to pick up my all stuff this weekend, etc.' and blocked them on everything. No reason, she just said she's had enough of the 'nagging' since she came go uni. Completely and utterly disrespectful, they were in bits calling me worried sick if she was ok and if she's gone off the rails again. I was there for her but told her she was wrong to do that. That same year she decided to drop uni without finishing, splashed her entire student loan on weed and clothes and moved in with her mom. She's been working in a pub since. While she was there, I didn't see much of her and I went on the settle down with my then boyfriend, we had a baby and just got married. Fast forward to now... we've barely kept in touch, I think I've seen her 3-4 times since my now 2 year old was born. In this time, she got a boyfriend who smokes weed like crazy and is an absolute nutter with no job, nothing. A Complete waste of space imo. The last time I saw her she asked if they can smoke weed in my car when they could clearly see that my baby's car seat was in there???? That was the final straw for me. I reduced all contact as I've realise we have both taken 2 very different paths in life and I didn't like the person she's turned into. I got married 2 weeks ago. She only ever messages me when drunk or high so she messaged about a week prior to the wedding so I told her we're getting married, a small ceremony with just 2 witnesses. No one else. I've posted it on social media this week and she's just messaged me (again, drunk) saying how upset she is I never told her, etc. Even though I have. Then she asked to ring me to talk because she's lonely, I said okay. She's all drunk, I can barely understand what she's saying and she's also crying. Her boyfriend left her all alone yet again. Just stormed out for no reason. She then goes on to ask why I didn't tell her. So I told her I have and said exactly when I told her about the wedding. I was honest and told her I don't enjoy being around her, I don't like the person she has become and I certainly would not let my daughter be around her or her boyfriend, not a good influence or example at all. I told her if she was really unhappy, lonely and miserable like she says she is, she needs to start making changes to start becoming the person she wants to be and I would 1000% stand by her and help her. She got all offended and defensive saying 'amazing, so you think I'm a waste of space now, you think you're better than everyone else, after everything I've done for you when we were best friends, etc.' I told her to stop attacking me for telling her the truth. Then I said one of the reasons is the incident where they asked me if they can smoke weed in my car. She went all defensive again and said that I'm lying, her boyfriend was never in my car apparently. It was her brother. (IT WAS NOT) Her boyfriend has never smoked weed.... (I saw him roll and smoke a joint right in front of me the once and everytime I've met him his eyes were red and he went around saying how high he is.. ) she Started getting all loud. I hung up on her and texted her saying 'let me know whenever you've sober, we can talk then'. I don't want to be friends with this person. This is not the person I was once friends with but I find this situation so hard because she only ever texts when drunk and then she says she has no one, she misses me, she needs a friend, things are shit for her, she's miserable. Etc. I feel that as a friend I should be there for her but I also know I should walk away. Can anyone help please? What do you think is best? She clearly doesn't want to change or leave her boyfriend who is dragging her down with her. What do I do ?
I think you need to walk away. You'll get no benefits from the friendship. Until she wants to change you will hear the same story on repeat. I wouldn't answer calls and communicate by text/messenger etc.
Walk away, she might buck her ideas up in the future but until then you need to keep your distance.
You’ve made your position clear, she has chosen a path not compatible with your own and it’s time to walk away.
The reasons for her self sabotage are probably deep rooted but you cannot fix her, she may need professional support.
You could send her another text saying that you are sad that her life is so hard and that you hope she can find the strength to move forward to a more positive place. With her current mindset she may find it patronising but perhaps in time she may read it back and realise that you wanted the best for her.
Thank you all. I just don't know what to say so she can't act like a victim and say that I'm not here for her when she needs me and turn everything around on me. I just can't do it, I don't see it going anywhere or benefitting me in any way.
So much unnecessary drama. Cut ties. She will bring nothing but grief.
I think I will just have to suck it up and put myself first this time.
You're doing the right thing. Maybe one day she'll straighten her life out and you can be friends again.
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