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Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

(325 Posts)
CarolBains Sat 05-Sep-20 20:16:12

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

OP’s posts: |
BumblebeeBum Sat 05-Sep-20 20:20:32


Heartbroken21 Sat 05-Sep-20 20:20:40

He’s addicted to porn. Look up ‘death grip’. He’s probably fantasising about porn stars when he turns away from you.

I’d tell him he was pathetic and end it.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 05-Sep-20 20:21:13

What is going on? Does it really matter? It sounds beyond shit. Have you had many relationships before? This isn’t normal or okay.

What’s so good about the rest of it that you’re hanging around? Life is way too short for crap sex.

sitckmansladylove Sat 05-Sep-20 20:23:52

This is awful. Im sorry would just want proper sex and not him masturbation. How boring for you. It wont change.

Deadposhtory Sat 05-Sep-20 20:24:27

I second porn

TheoriginalLEM Sat 05-Sep-20 20:24:36

Fuck that

IWantT0BreakFree Sat 05-Sep-20 20:25:03

He's addicted to porn. Google "death grip". This could not be a more textbook case.

Honestly, yes I'm sure he could probably have a fuck ton of therapy and whatever but being realistic? This won't change. You are never going to have a meaningful, mutually satisfying sex life with this man. In your shoes I'd cut my losses now and move on. 8 months is a short term relationship. Don't waste your life having crap sex.

Macramacious Sat 05-Sep-20 20:25:57

Porn addiction. If you've been with someone who has it you recognise the signs immediately.

cabinbythelake20 Sat 05-Sep-20 20:26:13

Gay or porn

Sexnotgender Sat 05-Sep-20 20:27:10

Absolutely porn. Get rid.

category12 Sat 05-Sep-20 20:27:49

Ugh, and you're with him, why?

justanotherneighinparadise Sat 05-Sep-20 20:28:48

He watches too much porn abd is bad at real life sex. Time to move on.

Whatsnewpussyhat Sat 05-Sep-20 20:29:01

Just dump him ffs. He won't even try to touch you etc. Why bother?

gamerchick Sat 05-Sep-20 20:29:36

Christ just dump him, life's too short for shit sex.

TorkTorkBam Sat 05-Sep-20 20:30:20

I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

Of course you want that in a boyfriend. You do not have it with this boyfriend. Get rid. He is not the man for you.

Hotcuppatea Sat 05-Sep-20 20:30:35

His brain is porn-addled. It's only going to get worse. Don't waste any more time on him.

edwinbear Sat 05-Sep-20 20:30:39

This IS your honeymoon period OP, it’s only going to get worse - I’d run for the hills. Shit/no sex destroys relationships, it makes you feel resentful and worthless.

Isthisit22 Sat 05-Sep-20 20:34:14

Does it even matter? Why stay with someone who is so selfish that they don't care if you get pleasure?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Sat 05-Sep-20 20:35:45



Got it in one.

GammyLeg Sat 05-Sep-20 20:38:07

A new relationship shouldn’t be this dysfunctional. These problems will not go away.

Bluntness100 Sat 05-Sep-20 20:39:00


Porn he’d at least look at you. The fact he can’t, means he’s thinking about something else.

Sorry op. He’s gay.

chelle862 Sat 05-Sep-20 20:39:50

I asked my partner, what's going on with this guy?

He said is he on antidepressant? Does he take steroids?

Antidepressants have seriously affected our sex life and my partner either doesn't cum or takes FOREVER!!!

IdblowJonSnow Sat 05-Sep-20 20:39:59

Agree, sounds like classic porn over use!
Sorry op. As its early doors I'd ditch him and cut your losses.

MikeUniformMike Sat 05-Sep-20 20:41:30

No Sex is better than Shit Sex.

Bin him.

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