Dilemma

[Joder]

Hi All,
Just looking for a bit of advice about my husband. So the past 2 years and a bit I had some issues with alcohol. I feel I’ve sorted it out and I’m a lot more secure in myself I hadn’t drank in over a year.
So I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that I want to have a drink when occasions come up, or even if I feel like having a glass of wine at home. He wasn’t happy but grudgingly agreed.
Now though, I find him so stifling and controlling, he makes me feel like a wayward teenager.
A couple of weeks ago I had a couple of glasses of wine and he was rolling his eyes. So the next weekend I had a couple, I hid the mini bottles in the bin and he found them and he sulked for ages!
Last night, I told him I was calling up to my mam who I haven’t seen in months due to lockdown, it was me and my sister and my mams best friend, who’s birthday it was.
I got home around 10:30, very sober and I got the cold shoulder again!
I’m so sick of feeling like a child in my own home.
My mam was really annoyed by his attitude, she knows about the issues I’ve had in the past and how I’m really turning my life around.
I’m a great mum and wife, I work full time and keep the house going. Am I being unreasonable to want to have a few drinks with my family Or on a Saturday night?
To explain further, my problems with drink in the past were nothing violent or didn’t effect my family life.
He just thought I drank too much (every night) which I fully agreed with and I would never go back to that.
Thanks in advance for your opinions

[littlebirdieblue]

I think it's great that you recognised you had a problem and that you are in a better place with alcohol now. Your husband is probably worried that you could spiral and end up back where you were 2 years ago. I see that you say it didn't affect your family life, but maybe it affected him more than you realise? Perhaps you should have a sit down together and a proper discussion?

[Batshittery]

As an adult, I wouldn't want my DH telling me what I could and couldn't do, but maybe he is just concerned about you? It doesn't look great that you hid the wine bottles in the bin. It suggests 'secret' drinking imo.

[Krazynights34]

Hi OP.
Is this the only thing he is controlling about?
May I ask how much you drank every night before stopping? Lots of people do drink almost every night which obviously isn’t good for health/sleep etc.
Does he drink?
It’s sometimes the case that we don’t see how we are when we are drinking (I drink so it’s not that I don’t)...

[CarolBains]

First of all, congratulations! Recognising you had a problem with alcohol is huge, to then deal with that and come out the other end is incredible.

I don’t know your relationship but think, like littlebirdyblue has said, your husband is probably worried you’re going to go back to where you were a few years ago. I also think that although you don’t feel like your drinking impacted your family life, it probably did. Im not sure how been I. Relationship with someone who has issues with alcohol couldn’t effect the relationship/home life in some way.

I think this is about communication, and also been honest with yourself, is there a chance you could go back to drinking again? Is it worth the risk?

What ever you choose to do you have the right to make that choice without been made to feel guilty or treated like a teenager. I think you need to have some really open and honest conversations with your husband.
Talk to him about how his behaviour is making you feel and give him the opportunity to explain why he is acting like this x

[Onthemaintrunkline]

Fully endorse what CarolBains has said, and put so much better than I could! I think your husbands behaviour masks fear. Unfounded possibly and making you feel monitored definitely. He’s afraid for you around alcohol. You’ve taken great steps towards your relationship with drink, congratulations, time will hopefully endorse this. However, he needs to recognise and give credit where it’s due, best wishes.

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

I used to drink too much when I was in an unhappy marriage with a controlling bully. It was quite easy to reduce it after he left. Did you ever wonder why you started drinking so much in the first place?

[Joder]

Thanks everyone for all the replies.
A couple of things you said really hit home for me, I guess he is very concerned about me and worried.
My depression spiralled out of control the last time and while I got on with things as normal, there would be nights when I cried in his arms. He really is a very kind man. And not at all controlling in other parts of my life.
It’s nice to get a bit of perspective from others 🥰

[LadyCatStark]

He’s trying to help you though. Hiding bottles already is a very worrying sign...

It’s not right that he was upset with you last night if you hadn’t been drinking though.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

OP the hiding the bottles is really not ok. I have a close friend who gave up drink, and for the first year, she did miss having a glass or two at special occasions, but she took this to mean that she should really not have any, instead of trying to work out ways that you can have a drink and make it ok. Now she is two years off the drink and doesn’t miss it at all. Maybe has one glass to toast at a wedding, if that. I feel like that’s the stage you need to reach before you can approach alcohol in a healthy way, not just sneaking around. If your H is not controlling in other ways then I feel a bit sorry for him. Alcoholic behaviour is tiresome tbh.

[Topseyt]

I think that he could be concerned that you might be in danger of backsliding after all that you have both been through. Perhaps this is making him wary and defensive because it does sound as though he is OK in other areas of your relationship.

I understand his stance as I have seen this before. My BIL is an alcoholic. Sometimes he has seemed to get on top of it and back in control, sometimes for several months. Always though, whenever he has next had a drink he has pretty quickly ended up back to square one. I've seen this pattern over the last 30 years or more from him, and also from a neighbour who we know quite well who is up our road.

I'm not saying that this is what you are doing, nor that it is right for him to treat you like a child. It isn't. Does he have experience of other people, family or not, with alcohol problems who have tried to deal with it and backslid? Could he be worried about that happening to you and is frustrated?

Communication will be key. Not sure I can really add much more.

[AlternativePerspective]

hiding bottles is bordering on alcoholic behaviour.

In absolute reality, if you have a problem with alcohol to the extent you have to give it up entirely then you should never drink again. ever.

it’s a classic alcoholic behaviour to say “I didn’t drink for a couple of years so now I just want a few with my family.

And likely he was annoyed last night because he expected you to have gone out drinking with your family.

If a poster came here saying her dh had a problem with alcohol to the extent he had given it up, then started drinking again and hiding the bottles she would be told that alcoholics never change, that they will always put alcohol first and that he would never change.

In absolute honesty I wouldn’t stay with an alcoholic if they fell off the wagon.

You need to decide which is more important, your marriage, or your need to drink, because it sounds as if you have far more of a problem with alcohol than you’re admiting, even to yourself.

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

Hi OP, first of all well done to you on turning it all around. I've never had a problem with alcohol but I've really struggled with cigarettes. I'll quit for years and then think I'm okay now so it's fine to just have one or two while I'm out with friends... and then a month or two later I'm smoking again full time. So I guess the question is, are you an alcoholic? Or did you just struggle with drinking for a while? If you're an alcoholic then I would recommend never drinking again, ever, not even just one. It sounds like this is how your husband views it, so his response is understandable, really. But if you honestly feel you're not an alcoholic then you may need to have a heart to heart with him so you can get on the same page, because infantalising you isn't on.

[AlternativePerspective]

Thing is, alcoholics rarely think they’re alcoholics.

certainly hiding bottles is the mark of an alcoholic.

Feeling the need to drink is the mark of an alcoholic.

The DH has likely seen what the OP was like during her drinking. And if she wasn’t sober then chances are she has no idea how it impacted on him and the rest of the family.

The OP’s best bet would be to see her GP to be referred for the right kind of help to help her deal with her drinking, if she wants to quit. If not, then OP needs to come to terms with the fact there could be consequences, e.g. the end of her marriage.

[Joder]

Hi
Thank you again ladies.
Just to iterate, it was one bottle he found but I absolutely Agree that hiding it is not good.
Also to another poster, the night I went out I was drinking, and his point was why not drive. Which after being hungover for a day, I wholeheartedly agree with 😂
He doesn’t drink at all and his family don’t either while I come from a family of big drinkers.
My childhood problems all stemmed from my parents being big drinkers too. While part of me thinks it was normal as my parents were ‚Party ANimals‘ and my whole childhood was based around alcohol, not all good by any means! Adult, sober, me knows this was so wrong on many levels.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

It’s hard when you’re coming from two totally different places OP - he doesn’t drink at all and didn’t grow up with drinkers - you are the opposite. It must be so normal for you to see ppl drinking loads. I’m like your H - I have never ever seen my mum drunk, Dad a bit tipsy but that was only once. So I get that it is normalised for you. But as pp have said, you have to decide whether you are going to let this issue ruin your marriage.

And tbh you could have hid 1 bottle or 20 - what matters is that you hid it!

Wishing you the best OP, sometimes it’s very hard to unlearn what our childhoods taught us, but it’s probably for the best that you stop drinking altogether, without looking towards a time when you can get pissed again