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not making effort.. am i in the wrong?

19 replies

decembergal00 · 05/09/2020 18:32

me and DP have been together for 5 years now, we are in our mid 20s. we have always had a really loving relationship and no major problems, he's absolutely lovely to me and we get on really well. we did our first 3 years long distance as we met at uni and he was from 3 hours away.
he then moved in with me and my parents last year and we lived there before lockdown. we had a few issues re lack of intimacy and I also felt he was too laid back sometimes eg not very romantic or spontaneous, I always planned everything etc. he went home with his family during lockdown and for a while, splitting was a possibility. but in the end we decided we wanted to give things a proper go. we decided we had enough money to rent a flat together.

we moved in 7 weeks ago. we have been getting on well and things have been okay but I found we were still moping around a bit and we never really sorted anything out. we have both been working from home every day and then he has gone home every weekend since, because he plays a sport back at his home. sometimes I have gone with, sometimes not. so we've only really had evenings. we haven't started decorating or making our flat homely yet and we haven't spent much proper time together.

I had a bit of a panic last week and communicated that I felt things were still a bit flat. DP agreed and suggested that perhaps things aren't working and we should split up. we spoke about this as a possibility but I thought it would be silly because we haven't given things a proper chance.

my argument is that we haven't made a proper effort, we haven't spent proper time together and we haven't sorted out our previous issues. we said about a weekend away but haven't even looked yet. he has gone home every weekend to play his sport (Friday til Sunday) and hasn't taken a weekend off even though he said before he doesn't have to play every single game.

when I said we haven't made a full effort, he disagreed. he said he's made his effort "because he moved down here for me".
I completely understand that he's moved down here for me, but neither of us have made an effort SINCE then and it's only been 7 weeks. but he doesn't seem to recognise this? It's making it really difficult to move forward.

now he's unsure about what he wants and he's now gone home for 2 weeks to "think about things" whilst I'm in the flat. I am really really stuck on what to do next or what to think?

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user12642379742146 · 05/09/2020 18:45

I think you're clutching at straws with all this "we haven't made a proper effort" stuff.

For the two years you've been in a real relationship as part of each other's daily lives it's never really worked and has always been a quest to find another reason why it's not right. You're flogging a dead horse at this point. I think he's right to call an end to that, as hard as it is to let go.

Was this your first serious relationship?