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not making effort.. am i in the wrong?(20 Posts)
me and DP have been together for 5 years now, we are in our mid 20s. we have always had a really loving relationship and no major problems, he's absolutely lovely to me and we get on really well. we did our first 3 years long distance as we met at uni and he was from 3 hours away.
he then moved in with me and my parents last year and we lived there before lockdown. we had a few issues re lack of intimacy and I also felt he was too laid back sometimes eg not very romantic or spontaneous, I always planned everything etc. he went home with his family during lockdown and for a while, splitting was a possibility. but in the end we decided we wanted to give things a proper go. we decided we had enough money to rent a flat together.
we moved in 7 weeks ago. we have been getting on well and things have been okay but I found we were still moping around a bit and we never really sorted anything out. we have both been working from home every day and then he has gone home every weekend since, because he plays a sport back at his home. sometimes I have gone with, sometimes not. so we've only really had evenings. we haven't started decorating or making our flat homely yet and we haven't spent much proper time together.
I had a bit of a panic last week and communicated that I felt things were still a bit flat. DP agreed and suggested that perhaps things aren't working and we should split up. we spoke about this as a possibility but I thought it would be silly because we haven't given things a proper chance.
my argument is that we haven't made a proper effort, we haven't spent proper time together and we haven't sorted out our previous issues. we said about a weekend away but haven't even looked yet. he has gone home every weekend to play his sport (Friday til Sunday) and hasn't taken a weekend off even though he said before he doesn't have to play every single game.
when I said we haven't made a full effort, he disagreed. he said he's made his effort "because he moved down here for me".
I completely understand that he's moved down here for me, but neither of us have made an effort SINCE then and it's only been 7 weeks. but he doesn't seem to recognise this? It's making it really difficult to move forward.
now he's unsure about what he wants and he's now gone home for 2 weeks to "think about things" whilst I'm in the flat. I am really really stuck on what to do next or what to think?
I think you're clutching at straws with all this "we haven't made a proper effort" stuff.
For the two years you've been in a real relationship as part of each other's daily lives it's never really worked and has always been a quest to find another reason why it's not right. You're flogging a dead horse at this point. I think he's right to call an end to that, as hard as it is to let go.
Was this your first serious relationship?
its been about a year and it's worked in lots of ways, just we lost the intimacy along the way and lost a bit of ourselves.
I don't think we have tried as hard as we have though, it's only been 7 weeks and we haven't spent proper time together so I don't think we've given it a fair chance. and yeah my first long term one anyway
What have you been doing on an evening? You can start tonight, put your phone down, turn the tv off and try
It really shouldn't be this hard, op. Your boyfriend has made it very clear as to how he's feeling. He has broken up with you, even if he hasn't outright said it. He's waiting for you to do the dirty work.
Either seeing friends or just relaxing and cooking dinner, we also do a quiz once a week. He plays on his PS4 a fair few evenings too.
Can't start tonight cos he's gone home for 2 weeks
He's treating the flat as a crash pad, and his home is still home - the place he goes to of a weekend. Even you call it his 'home'.
You have totally different outlooks on life , you want spontaneity and romance, he's a plodder who is happy to have a quiet unexciting week and then home to his sport and his parents and his friends of a weekend.
I'm sorry but I don't think he wants to be with you, at this point he has broken up with you. He has tried to tell you this a couple of times, but he's weak, so when you push back he caves and comes back to you. But he's not really there with you iyswim.
This is going to sound harsh - if he's going 'home' every weekend and is now at 'home' for 2 weeks, neither of you see where you are both sleeping during the week as home.
You could argue that at 25 or so and now living together alone for the first time, there should be loads of sex going on, after having to share with your parents. Think that ad that's doing the rounds at the moment about not sharing a bedroom wall 'with the parents'.
I think it's over - he's just not said anything yet. Sorry.
He is not that into you.
Cut your losses.
I also believe he has ended it with you but without the spine to say it clearly.
What is the housing situation? Can you afford the flat alone? Is it suitable for you to get a flatmate if he moves back "home"?
You've only been living together 7 weeks. He has gone home to mummy and daddy every weekend. He has now left for 2 solid weeks. It's over, op. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. If he has anything left in the flat, tell him to come get it and then move on with your life.
I think its run its course to be honest, once the intimacy goes and youvw got to try and work to get it back I think you can safely say it's not right anymore
The last thing you need in your life is a bloke you have to chivvy along to do anything. So many threads on here over the years. You have dodged a bullet.
He's just not that into you. At this stage everything should be rosey in the garden. If it's not now, it never will be.
Thanks everyone, this is going to be so hard ☹️ because in many ways he is my best friend, he's lovely and we get on so well but I think you're all probably right
Time to move on, OP. It’s not meant to be this difficult.
How can you sort this out if he has gone back to his childhood home for a few weeks? You really want to make this work, and he has buggered off at the first sign of trouble. I really feel for you, OP.
I think he’s not feeling it op. Of course you’ve spent proper time together, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing together, being together it what counts.
I think it’s over,I’m sorry. 💐
Yeah, I feel I really do want to try ☹️ I did say I am willing to put the work in but he needs time to think, so I'm in the flat alone this week almost waiting for his decision lol
You have a week to yourself - so be kind to yourself.
Can you arrange some meet ups with family / friends?
Have a plan of something nice to do everyday so something to look forward to.
Thanks I am working everyday but I have made some nice plans with friends and family in some of the evenings so that'll be nice. Trying to be as kind to myself as possible
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