Page 2 | Talking about historic event that's hurting me

(30 Posts)
JetJetJet Sat 05-Sep-20 13:54:12

I've been with my DH for over a decade and married just over 4. Early on in the relationship one of my DHs parents got sick, and the other one wasnt in good health either. My DHs siblings had their own families... so it fell to my DH to care. There were times when it was bad, and he would spend all weekends and holiday away helping. I did everything I could.. I would use the weekends to clean and improve the house etc. It impacted our sex life - we both work busy jobs, and there just was never the time. At the time I felt the relationship was drifting but hoped it would eventually improve. My DH resents his siblings for their lack of support but has mostly resolved it. Sadly the illness was terminal. Time has passed but I dont think things are really any better between us (although my DH would disagree..he is happy with no kids, and a sexless marriage)

DH is very adamant that he cherishes all the time he spent with his parents over that time.

I'm not sure I can continue in the relationship which essentially remains sexless. DHs work was accommodating.. he works on a high power role and throughout the years they have given him leave in order to provide care and grieve.

But if I tell him i felt his parents are the source of some of my loneliness and resentment with the relationship then I know that it will hurt him for the rest of his life. I feel he has put family and job ahead of me... but I cant tell him.

Better to say nothing?

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MitziK Sat 05-Sep-20 17:12:37

I think it would be unkind to tell him that you're leaving because he was too busy working and caring for his dying parents to shag you.

By all means leave because you aren't happy, because you don't feel connected and this is illustrated by the lack of physical affection. But don't put it onto him because you haven't forgiven him for looking after his parents when he could have been fucking you instead.

FinallyHere Sat 05-Sep-20 17:15:06

* the full extent of my feelings would destroy him.*

What are your feelings doing to you?

It's absolutely reasonable to say that they way your life and marriage are not is not working for you. If you are not happy, you have no obligation to stay married.

What do you want now ?

You say you support him, and he is happy with the status quo. I don't get the sense that you are equally supported so it is thus not surprising that he is happy and you are not.

Do you know what you want? Can you explain that to him? If he recognises st least that it would be different to your existing relationship and is prepared to do whatever it takes, there may be a chance for you to continue.

However, it seems a lot like flogging a dead horse to me. Look, you have a career, you can support yourself. You don't have children to complicate things. If you are not happy, why aren't you already out of there.

What are you afraid of? Is it easier to blame his parents than to take responsibility for you own happiness ?

* . I said I would take the relationship and house and let him focus on work. He was in a bad way. For a few days I worked into the evening and let him chill. His mood has got a lot better since...*

So, if you do all the work , and support him, and don't ask for anything for yourself ... he is happier. Good for him. What about you?

Honestly, what is keeping you there? I'm sorry to sound harsh but really feel as if you need a wake up call.

You think you might stay friends. I would put money on him finding some one else to support him, if you stop. I'd also say the sooner you stop supporting him and start thinking about what you want, the better.

You are much stronger than you think you are. You are at a great point in your life. Shake off anything that doesn't serve you well.

Don't spend your life supporting someone who doesn't support you in return.

Sssloou Sat 05-Sep-20 19:09:02

It sounds like your real sensory emotional self (felt in your gut and heart) has already disconnected from this unsatisfactory relationship - but the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in your is like a drag anchor in your head.

This doesn’t have to be too painful. It might be a relief to you both. It can be gentle, peaceful and kind. Be honest and truthful to your own emotional self - examine and honour your authentic feelings on your own or in individual therapy.

You don’t have to provide an in-depth laundry list of complaints to him - just an incompatibility, a relationship that’s run it’s course, want a new chapter etc.

No need to blame or shame. Just disconnect in your head and start imagining a different life. Fantasise about it, research and plan it.

Look forward to a much more emotionally nourishing life than this.

Do you have other relationships with friends or family that are warm and radiant that you could tap into for support?

MulticolourMophead Sat 05-Sep-20 22:04:29


I notice a couple of interesting things.

When you let him alone to just chill, he's mood got better.

He accuses me of being selfish, and that itsall about my feelings. He seems happy ... he would like me to be more romantic and do stuff together as a couple.

How I read that, is that he's happy as it is if you'd only just shut up and stop asking him for stuff and wanting things from him. When you want more, then you are being selfish and making it all about you and it should be all about him. He wants you to be more romantic and do couple things, but doesn't want to invest in listening to you, understanding you, or going to counselling either together or for himself.

The first few years of your relationship were about what he wanted- to focus on his parents. He didn't invest time in his relationship with you so you could be his strength/support in this time, he expected you to be supportive by not arguing with him about it or needing him in any way.

When you express sadness about those times, or your wedding, he gets all hurt and huffy. You aren't allowed to be hurt, notice, 'cos that hurts him. And when he's hurt you have to stop bringing that up and immediately make him feel better.

Honestly op, he doesn't sound like someone you want to spend your life with. You are his token wife and family. There to fill the gaps in his life, but not to be a true partner.

I have to agree with this. Everything you write, it's all about him.

I don't see much about what you want. Use the counselling to work out what you want, because it's clear you're not happy.

JetJetJet Sun 06-Sep-20 14:13:21

Wow... so much to take in and thanks all.

Couple of points that stuck out was the FOG..defo a lot of fear right now.

Its funny that a lot of posters note that its all about him. When we argue he will always say I'm selfish, and that it's all about me.

But yea maybe the situation is that I'm just a pillar propping him up. His siblings live close by.. so we often visit them and have watched his sister have a family and grow up. It's clear what he wants.. to be able to go out to restaurants, theatres, see friends and his sister. When we argue he says the problem is I dont know what I want. And it's true, right now I'm not sure. But I dont want this...

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