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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why did mum change my name?

45 replies

easterflowerss · 04/09/2020 18:49

Hi all. I was hoping someone on here might be able to help.

Basically my parents separated when I was 5 and we had no contact with my dad after that. My mum told various tales about him which seemed to change over the years.

She changed my surname from his when I was about 8. He didn't give permission for this, and I've come to learn that she must have given quite extreme reasons for doing so without his permission to convince the court to do it.

The problem is, I have a difficult relationship with my mum and she tends to be quite manipulative and tells a lot of lies.

As I've got older I've started to wonder why she changed my name. None of the family ever talk about it (or my dad). It's a totally taboo subject and I don't feel I could ask, and even if I did ask my mum I just couldn't trust her answer.

Does anyone know whether there is any way I could find out her reasons? From the court maybe? I don't know whether it would be confidential to her, but it impacts me so surely i should be allowed to see?

Any experiences with anything like this would be so helpful!

OP posts:

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SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2020 18:54

Do you mean why she did it or what she must have said to get it done? Was it definitely done through court?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2020 18:54

I'd assume the why is because she wanted to cut out any links to your Dad and possibly make it harder for him to find you

easterflowerss · 04/09/2020 18:56

Yes sorry. Why isn't right. I mean what reasons did she give to court. Which I know no one here can tell me, but my question is whether anyone knows if I can find out!

Would I be able to get a copy of the documents, given they concern me?!

OP posts:

lunar1 · 04/09/2020 19:00

My mum tried to do the same to me. I don't know the reasons she gave either, I remember being 9 and telling the court that I didn't want to and they were trying to make me. Bizarrely they changed my younger brothers name as he wasn't old enough to have an opinion listened to!

Greeneyes78 · 04/09/2020 19:00

i wanted to change my children’s names as their father is not in their life at all and i didn’t think he deserved to have children carrying his surname. As they’ve grown they’ve wanted to change it themselves.

JustOneMoreStep · 04/09/2020 19:03

Its really quite difficult to get a court to agree to change a child's name, especially by age 8, certainly not on a whim or just the Mothers say. It usually involves lots of assessments from social services and/or cafcas. How youd find out about it without speaking to your Mum Im not sure.

dementedpixie · 04/09/2020 19:04

Can you not change it to something you do like? She obviously changed it to shut your father out of both your lives. Was it even done through court?

Fink · 04/09/2020 19:17

Are you sure that it went to court at all? I don't know how long this has been the case, but nowadays you can get a change of child's name by deed poll without a court order if the mother 'has good reason for not wanting to contact the father for his consent' (usually DV). You also don't have to go to court if the father's whereabouts is not known. You can choose to, to make it more official, but you can get a deed poll without it.

OptimisticSix · 04/09/2020 19:21

@Greeneyes78 I had exactly the same reasons for changing my childs name. If the father had bothered I wouldn't have changed it, but he didn't so I did.

footprintsintheslow · 04/09/2020 19:32

I changed my daughters name and I didn't go to court or get permission and he is on the birth certificate but this was 20 years ago before automatic parental rights were given to father.

I just went to a solicitors and did it by Deedpoll. I've never heard of going to court to do it and it being difficult.

Reader1984 · 04/09/2020 19:37

What about any aunties or other family members, you could have a quiet word with them?

easterflowerss · 04/09/2020 19:45

Thanks everyone. I don't know that she went to court, I just presumed she would have had to as she didn't have my dad's permission.

I have the change of name deed so it was definitely done legally and properly, but I had always thought that to do it without my dad's consent she would have had to ask the court. My dad is on my birth certificate.

My dad is an only child and I don't know any of his family, so I couldn't ask any of them. My mum's family aren't super close so I'm not sure what they know, and people tend to not want to rock the boat with my mum as she's such a difficult woman.

This probably sounds mental (and a bit OTT) but would a data subject access request type thing work?! Although saying that, I'm not sure who I'd even issue that to. The court? And unknown solicitor she instructed that I don't even know? I presume I'm flogging a dead horse here but it's so frustrating just to let such a big part of my past go unknown!

OP posts:

easterflowerss · 04/09/2020 19:47

@lunar1 did you only go to court because you opposed it, or would it have gone to court anyway?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 04/09/2020 19:49

Depends when you were born as its only after a certain date that the father got parental responsibility by being named on the birth certificate

dementedpixie · 04/09/2020 19:49

my sister changed her dds surname without going to court

nosswith · 04/09/2020 19:50

Depending on your age, if your mum reverted to her maiden name, did she want yours to be the same to avoid awkward questions? Being divorced or a single parent was looked down upon more in the past.

Hope you can find out why this happened.

dementedpixie · 04/09/2020 19:51

Were they married? Does it matter why?

MidnightCitrus · 04/09/2020 19:53

@Fink

Are you sure that it went to court at all? I don't know how long this has been the case, but nowadays you can get a change of child's name by deed poll without a court order if the mother 'has good reason for not wanting to contact the father for his consent' (usually DV). You also don't have to go to court if the father's whereabouts is not known. You can choose to, to make it more official, but you can get a deed poll without it.

I changed my name when i was around 11/12? as my sperm donor was someone i did not want to be associated with

No legal way, just did it (with my mums ok) and that was it. So she could have just told everyone your name had changed. Have you seen any paperwork at all?

lunar1 · 04/09/2020 19:54

[quote easterflowerss]@lunar1 did you only go to court because you opposed it, or would it have gone to court anyway?[/quote]
My stepdad adopted my brother, they tried to force me to be adopted too. My brother was too young to get a choice.

I really think unless there is a child protection reason parents shouldn't be allowed to mess with their child's name once it's been given.

footprintsintheslow · 04/09/2020 19:55

If it's just a change of name via deedpol you can do that yourself online now anyway.

How old are you OP?

happylittlechick · 04/09/2020 19:56

You don't need court permission. My mum did it. Although my dad did apply to the court to have it changed back.

footprintsintheslow · 04/09/2020 19:57

For me I changed my daughters name as my ex (her father) was a total pig and didn't want to see her and neither did any of his family. So why would I keep his name for my daughter? I changed so we had the same name. I think that's a pretty common reason.

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OptimisticSix · 04/09/2020 20:01

OP it definitely depends when you were born and where as to whether a court needed to be involved. My child was born in the early 2000s and I did not need to go to court despite his father being on the birth certificate. Had he been born in England I would have, but he was born elsewhere in the UK.

easterflowerss · 04/09/2020 20:13

I was born in 1990. I've seen a change of name deed - I presumed that shows it was done formally. Is there a more formal process?

My passport as a child always had my "new" name on it so I presumed it had to have been done officially for that?

In case it makes a difference, my mum changed my name to HER mum's maiden name. She changed her name to that as well. She has alluded in the past to it being so that my dad couldn't find us, though he has always known my grandparents' address and has never tried. So I struggle with that being the reason.

A really big part of me thinks it was a power play by my mum, as it doesn't seem my dad ever tried to contact us. But I don't know and this might be an unfair assessment for my mum. I don't know. But having no answers is really difficult.

I just didn't think about it for years but lately i just need those unanswered questions answering.

OP posts:

easterflowerss · 04/09/2020 20:15

@footprintsintheslow

If it's just a change of name via deedpol you can do that yourself online now anyway.

How old are you OP?

Did you mum have to give a reason for doing it without your dad's permission? Or did she just do it, and then he undid it?

OP posts:

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