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Sharing children with an abuser, I don’t know how I’m going to cope.

(16 Posts)
Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 16:30:32

So it seems after 9 months my stbex has made an application for child contact proceedings. I’m so so so stressed. I have my first financial hearing end of this month.

I know he won’t be classed as bad enough because the bar is very very HIGH and will get contact.

I don’t know what to do with myself because my daughter will never be the same with him in her life and I feel so very responsible for finally giving in and having a child as I was worn down.

How will I ever come to terms with this?

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Spied Fri 04-Sep-20 16:33:01

You need to separate your relationship from the father/daughter relationship as this is what the court will do.
Is she at risk of harm?

Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 16:44:13

Yes in my opinion, but how do you separate an abusive man from an abusive father.... he is abusive full stop!

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chestnutshell Fri 04-Sep-20 16:50:12

I have no advice but my heart hurts for you. What an awful situation to be in. How old is you DD? Will she be able to communicate to you any instances?

Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 16:53:16

She is 4. She deserved better and I feel I have let her down. I got out, I was “brave” so everyone always tells me but it doesn’t really change much.

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chestnutshell Fri 04-Sep-20 16:55:17

You haven't let her down. You're doing what's best for her in the confines of the law and that's all any parent can do for their child.

At 4 hopefully she will be able to communicate with you any instances and you can keep a log. I have no experiences of this so can't properly advise but I'm sure someone will be a long shortly with some great advice

Nicelunch25 Fri 04-Sep-20 16:55:27

My abusive ex has contact with our son, has done for the last 5 years but I'm happy to say our son is turning out nothing like his father. He is kind and empathetic. I was so upset and worried at your stage as well but it's ok this far. I get how you are feeling. It's really tough. I am always on high alert for anything happening at his dads but so far it's been fine. I've always been honest to him about what his dad was like and why I left (in an age appropriate way) we teach our kids what to accept by what we ourselves accept so leaving was the best option for me. I have had to say to my son on one occasion ( his dad has told him big boys don't cry) that his father is wrong and everyone cries. My son is more influenced by me, his brothers and school than by his father thankfully.

Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 17:29:43

My daughter is a normal human being so she has kind and empathy as normal parts of her humanity. My stbex will exploit her all he can like he did me. I feel sick just thinking about it.

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Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 17:33:42

I mean normal human being in the sense that he isn’t normal, he has no empathy and it scares me.

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damnthisvirusandmarriage Fri 04-Sep-20 17:53:10

I have no advice. But I’m in exactly the same position as you. Eventually my children will be forced to attend an environment I fought so hard to get out of.

Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 18:10:44

I wish in a way I never went to the freedom Programme and never learned what he really is because now I know that one day I will need to send her to him, to the man who led me to breakdowns and plan my own funeral.

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Dontknowwhyidoit Fri 04-Sep-20 21:04:35

All you can do is stop the contact if you find out he is behaving inappropriately and go back through the court system, keep a log of any contact he has with you that will support your case and be on your guard. If he knows that you are watching him and will fight for your daughters well being, he may toe the line. If at any stage your daughter says she doesn't want to go because... Then listen to her and inform your health visitor or social services and fight to keep her safe. That is all you can do.

Rgy3250999 Fri 04-Sep-20 21:20:16

Before I say this, I don’t know your child’s father and obviously you do, so I’m in no way minimising what you’re saying, but others on here talk about men than were abusive as partners but turn out to be ok as a father. Sometimes they’re a bit rubbish and not overly reliable or perhaps don’t pay what they should in maintenance but don’t seem to be abusive in the same way they were to the partner. Although it’s terrible for you to have to share access and of course you will worry about your child, but hopefully you will see a different side to him as a dad.

Be vigilant obviously and make sure your daughter knows she can talk to you about anything and everything and not keep secrets. Good luck x

Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 22:34:44

Well that really is my problem, he had half a year to show us how he could be a dad unsupervised and it’s what lead to the contact stopping. He is most definitely not one of those men who turn out to only be abusive sometimes. I don’t think it is actually possible is it?

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speakout Fri 04-Sep-20 22:42:10

I agree with Rgy3250999 - you did choose him as a partner and a father of your children, so what has changed?

Fightingback16 Fri 04-Sep-20 23:03:12

@speakout I was trapped in an emotional and mental and sexual and financial abusive relationship and when I told him I wanted to leave he threatened to do something to me he’d regret whilst I ate dinner with my 2 year old daughter unless I immediately left the family home. So that’s a silly thing to say, just because he helped create her doesn’t make him a decent father that I should just hand her over to.

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