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Is this right?

(19 Posts)
roseblossom2020 Fri 04-Sep-20 14:07:21

I'd really appreciate some help with this - it was sort of inspired by the thread about the little things you love about your DH and what they do...

So I was with my ex partner for 8 years. I have to say he was lovely to me in so many ways - used to charge my phone for me without fail every night, top up my petrol, keep my car running, make dinner, heat my towels up, run me a bath, great with my family who can be difficult, did a lot for them too, generous, good at picking me up when I was down, very supportive about my work and genuinely I would not have achieved as much as I have done without him in my life. In lots of ways, he made my life easier and better and lots and lots of these small and big things that made me love him.

However, there were a few big things that eventually came between us. He used to see his parents every weekend who were elderly and he looked after them. They didn't approve of me, thought he could do better. He never said anything to them about this until it came to a head after 5 years but generally I never grumbled about never being able to spend a weekend together or not being able to go on holiday for longer than 5 days. He had siblings who never helped with his parents but he still ran around after them.

I think I could have gotten over all of that. But I guess the big thing for me is I really wanted to buy a home and get married and these two things he just stalled and stalled on and messed me around with for years, promising than backing out. In the end, I asked him if he wanted to work at it or I would date someone else and he said maybe it was better to split up properly. But he was and is to a certain extent still very much in my life.

It took me 2 years to really process the end of the relationship as I did love him very much, he was never nasty to me and has always been there but I just felt so let down by the fact he wanted to spend his life renting and didn't want to put down roots and then by the fact that he always wanted to see his family at weekends and then there just didn't time to see me.

Sometimes, I wonder though and feel guilty that I couldn't forgive it and forget it and that maybe I expected too much and too demanding. I don't know. I just felt so sad for so long that it ended and actually very angry about it but I guess the issue is in a way he is still my best friend and always here and around and still helps me.

I could never be with him in that way again though, I just don't see him like that anymore but it always felt like such a waste of a relationship. The issue is not allowing it to stop me forming another relationship as I do feel a huge amount of loyalty to him.

I don't quite know what I'm asking and I'm sorry it's so long!

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roseblossom2020 Fri 04-Sep-20 16:58:41

Anyone?

OP’s posts: |
Horsemad Fri 04-Sep-20 17:04:08

I just think he wasn't into you as much as you were into him, OP, sorry.

Don't feel guilty, the relationship gave you experience and ideas if what you want from a life partner, so it's not a waste. Don't feel guilty towards him, it's time to move on - if that's what you want to do.

nancybotwinbloom Fri 04-Sep-20 17:05:30

I think the issue with his parents would have eventually driven you apart.

LadyH846 Fri 04-Sep-20 17:07:02

I agree that he wasn't into you. Sorry OP.

If a man really wants you, he isn't going to let you go.

That is not a reflection on you. You can find, and deserve to find someone who does want a home and a marriage with you.

I'm wondering why you feel a sense of loyalty to him is stopping you find a new relationship? Do you feel that he doesn't want you to move on?

nancybotwinbloom Fri 04-Sep-20 17:07:30

Get out there and see other people. It will either give him a kick up the arse or you will meet someone else.

You can't put your life on hold.

Windmillwhirl Fri 04-Sep-20 17:09:26

It sounds like he ended things by telling you to date others. If he wanted you why let you go?

His parents don't sound very nice. What reason did they have for thinking you were not good enough? Did you hear them say this? Maybe I'm cynical but if my partner's parents said that about me, I'd like to think he would defend me and tell them to let him live his life. It all sounds quite cruel the not having you around at the weekend.

Are you sure it wasnt him that wasn't sure so didnt let you go to his parents or commit to you?

AnnaSW1 Fri 04-Sep-20 17:09:56

It sounds like he really liked you and maybe loved you but he knew you weren't 'the one'

HollowTalk Fri 04-Sep-20 17:10:39

I know what you mean. He's wasted your time, hasn't he?

I'd be angry, too, that his parents felt like that about you and yet he still spent all his weekends with them. I'd find that really hard to cope with.

You're lucky in that he was a nice guy in so many ways. Obviously the next man you get involved with will have to be like that, too. It's a matter of 'onwards and upwards' I'm afraid. The problem I think is that it's likely he will get married pretty soon, so it's better you detach yourself. It's what happens, I'm afraid.

TopOfTheCliff Fri 04-Sep-20 17:17:09

You probably need to cut him out of your life completely for a while as he sounds like a comfortable habit you can’t give up. It will hurt but it will give you some clarity and help you move forward.
There is better for you once you are free to look for it. Someone who puts you first!

nancybotwinbloom Fri 04-Sep-20 18:11:47

So what's your plan OP?

Do you think you are ready to move on yourself?

roseblossom2020 Fri 04-Sep-20 19:01:58

Yes I think all these comments are true. I suppose he wasn’t into me enough to do anything about it. And I did feel like he wasted my time.

He has since said he’s sad about it and would like to do all that but is also ok with me not wanting that and just being friends - which is what it is now as I just don’t think I can go back to that. I don’t see him sexually or want a sexual relationship with him.

I don’t think he wants anyone else. He really is just ok to go with whatever the flow is which in itself is unattractive as a romantic relationship. So I’m happy just being friends. And now We’ve just like an old married couple hanging out together all the time and he still does all these lovely things for me and my life is easier with him in it. I just sometimes think what was the point in it all.

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Rgy3250999 Fri 04-Sep-20 19:28:13

Ah don’t think that roseblossom2020. Life is just a serious of experiences and chapters. Not everything will last forever and progress but it can still be a nice part of your life. I’m sure you had some good times and if you’re now both happy to be friends, you can’t underestimate how lovely that can be too.

Now you need to look at your next chapter though and decide what you want. If you want to date, get out there and have some fun. No need for it to be serious and heavy but chance to meet people and see if anyone clicks!

I’m sure your ex did love you but he sounds like a people pleaser. Sometimes these people aren’t decision-makers and don’t want to rock the peace. When family puts them in awkward positions, they go with it, rather than confront them. If his parents were elderly and his siblings didn’t help, he perhaps just felt a responsibility to them. Yes it would have been great if he stood up to them but some people are too passive and non-confrontational for that. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. Equally, lots of men will plod on with their lives and not want to make big decisions or be pinned down - again, it doesn’t mean he didn’t love you but perhaps a sign that romantically, you were too different to make that work.

If you look back at your time with him, although it didn’t work, would you rather you hadn’t met him? If not then celebrate it for the good times and don’t think about the what ifs or dwell on things not working out. Don’t allow this to put you off from trying again. If he’s a lovely friend then I’m sure he would want you to find the right person too - just beware though that he may beat you to it eventually with moving on and that can be tough if you’re still close.

roseblossom2020 Fri 04-Sep-20 19:35:16

Rgy thank you! I think you’ve perfectly got it! He’s a nice person people pleaser and I do believe he did love me. I think that’s why I have found it so difficult. If he’d been horrible or we’d been so incompatible it would be easier to understand although probably not less hurtful.

Thank you. It’s full of wisdom your post. I’ve struggled sometimes because even in real life people think well he must just be awful or he didn’t love you because why didn’t he do the right thing, but life is so much more complicated than that. I think I have guilt that I can’t just forgive and forget and move on and because he is my best friend and we seem so enmeshed but you are right. It was for a season and not a lifetime and there is still a lot of good out of it.

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user12642379742146 Fri 04-Sep-20 19:41:01

such a waste of a relationship

What does that mean?

Relationships are not investments. Just because they come to an end does not mean they were a "waste". Otherwise why bother connecting with anyone? I mean, everyone you meet is going to die some day so is that a waste of a relationship? Do you consider everything about your connection with someone to be erased and worthless when they die? (I hope not). Would you have ditched someone with a terminal illness for being a poor investment?

Treating relationships like stock investments is the path to misery.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Fri 04-Sep-20 19:55:14

Sounds like he's in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) cycle with his parents - for at least 8 years he's not had one single weekend to himself to do as he please! Makes me wonder if his parents did a number on him. So sad for the both of you, no wonder you feel robbed.

roseblossom2020 Fri 04-Sep-20 20:22:47

user yeh I think you’ve completely missed the point of my post. I hardly feel like it’s a stock investment or would look to leave because he’s terminally ill. By such a waste, I meant there was so much good stuff in it, we’re good people who treated each other well and it felt like a real strong genuine connection and I did and do feel it was a waste to allow a relationship like that to just wither away given it’s so hard to find. You only have to read the threads on this board to see those relationships don’t just come along every day if ever.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter I think he is in FOG but also he did want to do it too and he liked to make them happy and I did love that about him. I just wish it hadn’t stopped us moving on with our lives to the extent it did, I don’t think it would have needed to if he’d not been in FOG. And I did feel robbed of a good relationship. He seems happy enough seeing me all the time as it is and I don’t mind seeing him, as I said he is my best friend and my life is better with him in it. But I do feel sad about it although he seems content with things and I do wonder if our still very close lives will stop us both moving on.

But I guess it as Pp mentioned, there’s a lot of good in it still and maybe ultimately we just weren’t meant to be. It’s a shame but that’s how it is.

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ThePhoenixAndTheAshes Fri 04-Sep-20 21:48:04

You can love someone, you can both love each other, but that doesn't mean the relationship will work. You don't just need love and kindness, your lives and priorities have to be compatible too. He needs to love you enough for you to be a priority, enough for his parents opinions not to sway him. It sounds like you didn't have that, love but not strong enough love.

He sounds very enmeshed with his parents. And you sound like you're still caught up in that. I'm not sure having his as your best friend is good for you right now. You might find that being less involved in each others lives helps you feel ready for another relationship. Is it loyalty you feel or obligation/guilt? Because it sounds like you're still caught in the FOG with him.

SoulofanAggron Fri 04-Sep-20 23:24:45

Many people (perhaps especially women) want a relationship to be going somewhere or it feels insubstantial to them. So we want there to be a plan that is as definite as possible to move in together, perhaps marriage, children etc, and we want to see things going in that direction.

Not everyone feels that way so they can't get it.

It sounds like he was very set in his ways and so wouldn'tve been able to change his way of life into what you wanted/needed.
You did the right thing. xxx

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