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Should I be taking Child maintenance from my ex husband when he has no access to child?

(29 Posts)
Fightingback16 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:19:03

Is it morally wrong for me to be getting child maintenance from my stbex for his child that I stopped him having access too? He could have applied to court for access but hasn’t in 9 months. He can afford to but just hasn’t.

He was abusive and I stopped contact on the advice of SS and others. It took many months to finally get CM from him so went through the service but now I’m not sure it’s right I get it?

OP’s posts: |
Thebookswereherfriends Thu 03-Sep-20 15:21:39

Your child is not pay-per-view. He is paying towards the care of his child and if he wanted to see her there is nothing to stop him applying to the courts.

Brot64 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:23:11

CM and child access are entirely different issues and CM is expected or should be paid regardless of contact/access to the child.

OverTheRubicon Thu 03-Sep-20 15:23:22

Yes, because it's for the child's benefit - and whether or not he sees the child doesn't affect whether your child needs shoes, food or trips out to parks.

OverTheRubicon Thu 03-Sep-20 15:24:10

No, rather! It's absolutely reasonable.

titchy Thu 03-Sep-20 15:25:06

Does your child eat fresh air, wear no clothes, not use any heating or electricity or water and sleep on your doorstep then?

Mummybiscuitx Thu 03-Sep-20 15:26:20

Following as in exactly the same position as you OP

Fightingback16 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:27:21

Ok, I was just thinking because it is me effectively who is stopping him (for good reasons).

OP’s posts: |
Mumski45 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:32:11

No it is not you that is stopping him. I am assuming that because you have good reasons it is his own behaviour which is stopping him from seeing his child. You are just being the responsible parent who is safeguarding your Dc and putting their interests first.

Changedmynamelots Thu 03-Sep-20 15:40:07

It is his behaviour that is stopping him, not you stopping him.

He should still pay for his child irrespective of that.

GeorgiaGirl52 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:43:36


It is his behaviour that is stopping him, not you stopping him.

He should still pay for his child irrespective of that.


Fightingback16 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:56:56

Ok thanks!

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:59:03

Does your child no longer eat or need clothing or shelter because their dad doesn't see them?

DeRigueurMortis Thu 03-Sep-20 16:13:16

Tip it on its head OP....

What behaviours would it encourage in some utterly reprehensible men if the prevailing attitude of society and the CMS was that they were relieved of their financial responsibility to their children as a result of their abuse?

Nicelunch25 Thu 03-Sep-20 16:14:35

He will say you are unreasonable as a way of continuing his abuse but you are 100% not unreasonable in expecting him to provide for the child he helped to create.

Chloemol Thu 03-Sep-20 16:19:35

First it’s not you stopping him from seeing his child, it’s his actions and a consequence of those actions that is stopping him

Second it is absolutely correct that you claim CM from him as he still has a responsibility to provide for his child, even though his actions have stopped him being able to see the child

Fightingback16 Thu 03-Sep-20 16:49:11

I guess that for now at least he is actually paying..for how long remains to be seen!

OP’s posts: |
timetest Thu 03-Sep-20 16:54:44

Do make sure you get what your child is entitled to. If he wants to, he can pursue contact through the courts. That he hasn’t done this in 9 months speaks volumes.

Fightingback16 Thu 03-Sep-20 17:29:24

Well he says he can’t afford to go to court regarding contact but I’ve just recently received his form E and he spends well over £500 each month at the pub or at the local shop buying alcohol each day. But apparently he is suffering from stress and depression because he can’t see his daughter!

OP’s posts: |
Mintjulia Thu 03-Sep-20 17:33:21

The money isn't yours, it is your child's. He or she still needs food, clothes, shoes, books. That doesn't change just because the father was abusive. Of course you should claim on their behalf.

Minimumstandard Thu 03-Sep-20 18:05:08

It is always in the child's best interest to be financially supported by both parents. It is not always in the child's best interests to have contact with both parents. The two matters are entirely separate.

fuandylp Thu 03-Sep-20 18:30:55

Yes, you should be taking CM.
Your ex created that child along with you therefore he is jointly responsible for ensuring the child's needs are met.

If he wishes to apply to the courts for access then he can do that and they can decide.
Meanwhile, your child still needs to eat etc.

SoulofanAggron Thu 03-Sep-20 18:36:00

Of course you're entitled to that money. It's not money men give in exchange for something, it's money they're required to give to help support the day to day upkeep of their child, for which you are paying.

athousandwords Thu 03-Sep-20 19:09:04

He brought this life into the world - he is responsible for providing for their needs - including housing, clothing and feeding them, all of which YOU are doing.

Not seeing his child does not negate his responsibilities.

If you are uneasy, save the money for their future.

SandyY2K Thu 03-Sep-20 20:06:19

I'm sure if SS advised no contact.. then it's on your child's best interests.

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