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Husband doesn't want to ttc after mmc

(18 Posts)
krj2608 Thu 03-Sep-20 12:56:53

Hi all

I just had my third miscarriage last week a mmc at 11.5 weeks with medical management.

My first mmc was before my two children (5&3) and my second was just before my third miscarriage. We have always said we wanted 3 children.

It's been a terrible time but I feel I need a rainbow baby to get me through this storm. I feel like I have had the excitement and possibility and it's been snatched away from me.

My husband has said today he doesn't want to try again, he doesn't want to go through this again and has a lot on at work so doesn't need the stress. I know it's all raw and I want to give him time but I do feel that my thoughts and feelings haven't been taken into consideration at all.

I just feel so emotional about it all and it's really upset me. I have felt very much on my own through out it all. All the appointments and scans I have attended on my own.

Has anyone else been through this?

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LouiseTrees Thu 03-Sep-20 13:34:35

First off sorry for your losses. Having been through it myself the pain absolutely consumes you and you have every right to feel the way you do. However from a practical side, I’d you jumped right back into it you are not taking his feelings into account. He most likely hurts ( his own hurt and seeing you hurt). What age are you? Could you wait a little while, to allow you both to process? Then maybe 6 months down the line or something discuss it again with a proper sit down talk.

krj2608 Thu 03-Sep-20 13:51:00

I want to wait a good few months anyway, I'm 32 and he is nearly 40. It's One of his reasons for not wanting anymore. I don't want to wait much longer and I know I do want another one x

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Greeneyes78 Thu 03-Sep-20 16:45:27

You’ve had 3 miscarriages so maybe it’s time to stop ttc altogether.

krj2608 Thu 03-Sep-20 16:58:49

@Greeneyes78 maybe!

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LexMitior Thu 03-Sep-20 17:26:05

I think you need to slow down. Your husband is thinking intelligently. He has a lot of work on. You need further support, and have had a medical intervention at the last miscarriage.

It sounds cold, but actually it is sensible at this time. Both of you need to step back from trying to ‘fix’ this for the present.

FriendAlways Thu 03-Sep-20 17:26:41

I dont think you should stop trying altogether, what a rude thing to say hmm

OP just give him time, he's hurting too as are you, when youre both ready it's worth having another go

sitckmansladylove Thu 03-Sep-20 17:29:45

This is very tough. I would try again but only when dh is ready. Give him some time. So sorry for your losses.
Maybe gently bring up the question once time passes. Time heals a lot though i know you feel in so much pain at the moment.

krj2608 Thu 03-Sep-20 20:50:43

Thank you all ❤️
We will take the time to process everything. It's been a very emotional day today. I think I am rushing ahead and worrying that I'm getting older. I'm hoping the back to school and work routine helps next week x

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Tenner Thu 03-Sep-20 20:56:43

so sorry for your losses flowers

It takes 2 TTC but only one to veto it.

you have 2 DC. you had 3 miscarriages. Sometimes, you need to focus on what you have, not on what you want. Maybe you should try to focus on what you have but if he doesn't want a 3rd, you will ultimately have to accept it (or look elsewhere).

Phoebesgift Thu 03-Sep-20 21:00:25

Your husband is being sensible and rational. You've already got 2 children. Maybe be grateful for what you have already.

SandyY2K Thu 03-Sep-20 22:37:59

I agree with your DH. A friend of mine was in your situation and always wanted 4 DC .. She had 4 miscarriages in total...2 healthy DC...but kept going.

Her 3rd DC has physical and learning disabilities and she wishes she stopped at 2.

Sometimes you need to move from rigid thoughts that you had pre marriage on the number of kids you wanted and realise the miscarriages may be happening for a reason and be grateful for what you have.

I don't think your taking his feelings into account at all and have become obsessed with a third at all costs.

krj2608 Fri 04-Sep-20 11:38:19

Thank you all, think I was definitely having a completely emotional and down day yesterday and everything hit me at once. The miscarriage actually happened Tuesday so all very raw.

My children are my absolute world and I am happy with what I have. I just have that wanting of another. Maybe that will lessen over time, who knows.

Things have been very difficult this year, not just Covid and miscarriages and I felt like a baby is something very positive to come out of this year. It would be well looked after, wanted and loved. I feel there is nothing wrong with that.

We are planning on getting a little rose bush in memory of our babies we have lost. Hopefully that will help with our grieving and loss.

I'm back to work next week so I'm hoping the routine will help me. 💜

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krj2608 Fri 04-Sep-20 12:22:08

Big girl pants are on! Lets get on with life!

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VesperLynne Fri 04-Sep-20 12:29:13

Your husband is being sensible and rational. You've already got 2 children. Maybe be grateful for what you have already.

Have to agree.

welshladywhois40 Fri 04-Sep-20 13:12:20

OP. I am very sorry for your losses. It's such a terrible thing to happen. For those saying count the blessing etc - I do wonder if they have ever been through a miscarriage? After my first ttc was what held me together.

After my second - I didn't want to try again, my partner did. The raw pain post mc I couldn't imagine risking it again - even for having another baby. I asked her a few weeks grace to get my head together.

Glad I did as we are now pregnant again but it hasn't been an easy ride so far with my moods being all over the place.

So maybe your partner is my space - terrified about another one? Also ttc was putting a strain on us aswell.

Bunnmasams Fri 04-Sep-20 13:23:48

Why are people telling OP to count herself lucky she has children and encouraging her to stop TTC altogether.

My niece is 10 and has a rare physical disability. She is my brother's and his ex girlfriend's first child. The mother had no history of miscarriages and doctor's can't work out what's caused it. After genes being looked into and scans, they came to the conclusion it was just meant to be as my brother noe his girlfriend had any links to this disability.

They have gone on to have another child with no disabilities together, and the mother has had a son with no disabilities with her boyfriend.
So using a story of a having child with a physical disability after many miscarriages as a reason to stop TTC is mindboggling confused

Yes, many families do have children with disabilities but not all of them are a result of continous miscarriages.

OP please don't give up hope from some of these posts trying to put you off having another child. Yes you are lucky to have 2 children but if you want a third and can provide for a third child then you should definitely try for another.

Just wait until you and DP are ready, even if it's a year or more from now.
But please, never feel selfish for wanting a third after already having 2 children just because some people struggle to have one.

I am currently TTC for my first child and so far it's been 6 months with no luck whatsoever. But i'd never tell another women to "consider herself lucky you already have 2" if they are struggling to come to terms with a miscarriage.

krj2608 Fri 04-Sep-20 14:18:20

@Bunnmasams and @welshladywhois40

Thank you so much for not making me feel selfish or a spoilt brat!

I absolutely count my blessings everyday for my beautiful children. And I know I would love another just as much as them 💕

It took us over a year and a half to conceive my first. It was hard but it finally happened and we didn't give up. Xxx

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