Talk

Advanced search

I'm leaving my narcissist today

(165 Posts)
HeyThereLonelyGir1 Thu 03-Sep-20 04:57:06

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

OP’s posts: |
SeaToSki Thu 03-Sep-20 05:33:10

Sending a hand hold. Stay strong and think of the long term, not the next two days

Gizmo2020 Thu 03-Sep-20 05:34:51

I’m here for a handhold for you xx flowers I don’t have any amazing advice but I am in the same position as you, about to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. I understand how you’re feeling & will be exactly the same.

It’s been nearly 3 years for me. It’s destroyed me. I have no self esteem or confidence. I’ve tried to leave twice before but always get talked out of it. Each time I’ve regretted not being stronger.

This time, I need to find more courage and strength, hold my resolve, this I know from previous attempts to leave.

Please stay strong & know you are not alone. I hope you have a good support network of friends and family. Be brave @HeyThereLonelyGir1, it sounds like you’re prepared for all scenarios, it will be such a relief when he’s gone. It’s the old cliche, time is a great healer - the love & attachment you have for him will hurt to start with but it will get easier, in time. You will find yourself again and you will heal, it just takes time.
Good luck today, stay strong - you’ve got this xx

OhioOhioOhio Thu 03-Sep-20 05:40:09

Soon life will be wonderful again. Do it.

ulanbatorismynextstop Thu 03-Sep-20 05:45:36

Good luck opthanks brighter days are coming

biggirlpantstimeforchange Thu 03-Sep-20 08:30:58

I can genuinely say, hand on heart that it gets better. My story is so unbelievably similar to yours. I ended it 1 week ago and in my heart of hearts wondered whether I would have the strength to not go back.

7 days later, I miss the communication, but I don’t miss the anxiety of having to answer the phone every time he called. I don’t miss the put downs or insults, I don’t miss the lies and I don’t miss the anxiety of wondering if he’s with other women when he goes off the radar. I now know he was, and frankly I consider it a lucky escape.

I am being kind to myself and have taken off the rose coloured glasses and see him for who he is, a handsome charming person on the outside, an ugly shell of an insincere, insecure human being. The relationship was never what he portrayed it to be. It was built on lies. It and he was fake.

No contact has saved me from myself. I’m not constantly checking if he is online, I’m not reading old messages or looking through pictures. My mental health and focus is coming back and every day I am feeling like me again.

You can have this too. It’s hard, so very hard. As I say, our stories are very similar. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Know that your narcissist will never change. He will hoover you and express undying love and how you are the only person for him. It’s lies. He is is the only person for himself. He is his priority, he wants you insofar as how you meet his needs for supply. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but you deserve better.

Keep strong. Feel free to pm me. You’ve got this OP

Babdoc Thu 03-Sep-20 08:47:43

OP, you don’t “still love him so much”. You love the man he pretended to be, the man you wish he was.
I often advise women in your position- leaving an abuser - to listen to Chely Wright on Youtube.
Her song “Shut up and drive” sums it up so well, and will encourage you you to stay strong. It warns against getting sucked back in by either your emotions or his manipulation.
The chorus goes:
“I’m the voice you never listened to.
And I had to break your heart
To make you see
That he’s the one who will be missing you
And you’ll only miss the man
That you wanted him to be”.
The accompanying video shows the woman driving away towards to an open horizon, while the abusive man is left sulking in the road. Brilliant!
And I’m also sending a hand hold. Finally, write down all his abusive behaviour, and read the list whenever you feel remotely tempted to go back for more abuse.

Bananalanacake Thu 03-Sep-20 09:22:57

It's good you don't live together, does he have a key. Remember, noone has the right to make you feel bad about yourself.

Wildwood6 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:55:29

Hand hold flowersflowers You can do this. As @biggirlpantstimeforchange says I promise it does get better. We're here if you need us.

TruffleMama Thu 03-Sep-20 10:38:17

@HeyThereLonelyGir1

I was previously in a relationship with a narcissist. It was the most damaging 6 months of my life. I cannot begin to tell you what he put me through in such a short space of time. It was a world wind. I was constantly anxious. He sucked the life out of me. He is a literal monster.

I left him 2 years ago in September 2018. He then stalked and harassed me and I had to get the police involved. He still contacts me now.. he send cards on valentine's day, he texts me on my birthday. Be prepared... he will try to hoover you back by bombarding you with love-bombing or messages designed to tug on your heart strings (I've lost count of how many of my ex's 'friends' have died or been diagnosed with an illness).

I tried to leave my ex several times before I successful escaped his clutches. He hoovered me back again and again. It might take you a few attempts to leave him.

My advice: BLOCK HIM ON EVERYTHING! I mean everything.. I had to block my ex on my FitBit account as he messaged me through that once I'd blocked him on anything else.
I'm sorry, but if you have made friends with any of his friends, you need to move on from those relationships and block them too.

Then you need to maintain NO CONTACT at all times.
Do not contact him. If he does manage to message you (he will get new numbers), don't respond, just block him again. If he manages to get through to you on the phone, don't engage in any conversation. Show no emotion. Just hang up and block him. If he turns up at your door (my ex did). Do not open the door, do not let him in. Do not engage with him. Just call the police.
If he has keys to your place, get the locks changed today!

The only way to ever survive a narcissist is to BLOCK them. Implement NO CONTACT and stick to it. Forever!

Good luck!

HollowTalk Thu 03-Sep-20 10:41:00

Changing his domestic arrangements?

Do you mean he's living with someone else?

Mitchiemoo2 Thu 03-Sep-20 10:55:21

Hand hold for you thanks

I was in ur position a year ago. I don't really have any advice as mine ended badly, and a no contact order was put in place, bright side - it made sure there was no caving and having him contact me and rope me back in I suppose.

You can do it and you will be so much better off away for this situation.

Thinking of you

HeyThereLonelyGir1 Thu 03-Sep-20 15:35:42

Thank you all so much. I did it. The abuse didn't take long to start. Taunting me and accusing me of cheating on him as always.

Making out once I receive a certain parcel in the post I'll realise how much he loves me. Etc. No. No I won't. As actions speak louder than any word

I am having an awful day. But it's not as bad as I anticipated. Keeping busy.

I won't implore others to leave as I know from experience nobody could have told or begged me to. But start to look at your life at least. A friend of mine called it a half life and it really is xxx

OP’s posts: |
lemony7 Thu 03-Sep-20 21:27:46

Well done for being brave OP flowers

squishee Thu 03-Sep-20 21:57:09

Yesss! <shakes pompoms> Don't look back - onwards and upwards!

Mummybiscuitx Thu 03-Sep-20 22:44:49

You are amazing for finally realising you had the strength to do this and most importantly that you are ready to leave.. Nothing works until you and only you are ready. I left my narc ex nearly five months ago now and honestly, I felt like a big black cloud had lifted.. I was walking into the unknown but I was so unbelievabley adamant I wasn't going to live my life this way anyone and that my child comes first and she's witnessed enough. Do not let him talk you back. Once my ex finally realised I had enough.. He said all the thing I wanted to hear. But guess what.. It was too late.. I didn't feel a thing. All the love I had dissipated and I just felt free... I remember the first time I took my little girl to the park after leaving him.. I can't tell you the sense of freedom I felt it was inexplicable. You deserve to lead a happy life, you deserve to love yourself and respect the person you are.. You can do this x

Wildwood6 Fri 04-Sep-20 13:16:17

Well done @HeyThereLonelyGir1. I know that must have been a tough day. I'm so glad it wasn't as bad as you had anticipated. One day at a time, you've got this. It will get better, I promise, @Mummybiscuitx is so right about this.

BitOfANameChange Fri 04-Sep-20 13:44:57

Good on you for leaving. Every day it will be that tiny bit easier, and life becomes less stressful.

When I left my ex, he, too, accused me of seeing someone else in the very first message he sent after finding out I'd left. Of course I wasn't, still haven't dated anyone yet, but will think about it next year. I left in secret while he was at work, to avoid him trying to stop me going.

It's about blame, you see, they can't accept they may be to blame. So they try and find other reasons why it can't possibly be them.

FlapsInTheWind Fri 04-Sep-20 18:06:28

It will take much longer than you think to feel normal again. I spent four and half years with one exactly as you describe. I was lucky to escape with my life in reality. Don't expect to feel better straight away is what I'm saying. Losing a limb is how I felt. I wouldn't piss on him if he was alight now though.

TellySavalashairbrush Fri 04-Sep-20 18:26:52

Well done op. Do not be surprised if you start to feel the need to be back with him within the coming days. I read that for many leaving a narcissist is actually more difficult than heroin withdrawal! They have trained victims to truly believe they won’t cope without them in many instances. Surround yourself with support and don’t be fooled by his apologies, gifts, threats to harm himself if you don’t return to him, etc. You’re free!!!

carreterra Fri 04-Sep-20 19:40:31

@biggirlpantstimeforchange

Well said !! Your post was just packed with good advice from someone who is going through a similar experience, and you don't pretend it's easy. Best wishes for your future happiness, you deserve it.
flowers star

Highlighta Fri 04-Sep-20 19:55:36

Well done OP. This was me earlier this year. So it's going to hurt like hell for a little while, I can honestly tell you that I shed more tears for a 18 month relationship ending than I did for my 20yr marriage. But I didn't block him and that was my mistake.

A few months down the line when I think back I just think wtf were you doing. You get so blinded when in the situation, but believe me in a few months time I think you may be able to make a post saying something similar.

SoulofanAggron Fri 04-Sep-20 21:13:09

Well done OP. He may well try and hoover you back in- charming, making excuses, saying he'll get therapy or something, whatever. Don't let him.

Block him on everything so he can't. xx

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long

A lot of us have been there, and/or we've heard about others' experiences, so we understand. xxxx

ToastyCrumpet Fri 04-Sep-20 21:21:52

Brilliant! Onwards and upwards.

AntiHop Fri 04-Sep-20 21:24:57

How are you doing op?

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in