Hello all,
I’ve lurked for a long time but this is my first time signing up and posting a question. I’m going round in loops in my head on what to do so hoping another perspective can help.
I’m 28 years old and DH is 29, nearly 30. We have no children. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 in total. From the beginning when we first dated I was always open about wanting a big family. I was happy with the idea of 4 kids even! Looking back, four kids is probably a lot but I said this to him and he didn’t seem fazed at all. He was happy with the idea with having lots of children in the family and understood it was important to me.
A year or so after we got married, he changed his mind said he wanted two children. Initially I was very upset by this. His reasons were mainly environmental, and if I wanted more than 2 kids he’d only be happy with it being done via adoption. I explored my own reasons for desiring a big family with my therapist at the time (likely related to grief and loss in my own family). Eventually I came to terms that two would be it and I accepted it and moved on.
Now in the last three weeks he’s changed his mind again and now only wants one biological child. He says he’s firm on this and again says the reasons are environmental. I appreciate his reasons are valid but I’m personally devastated. I feel what my vision of my little family would look like is being taken away. He says adoption is always a possibility too but for me it wouldn't be the same and I’d rather have at least two of my own.
His environmental views have become stronger over the years and although I appreciate them I sometimes feel he’s quite judgemental and critical of how I live my own life (e.g driving with the car, refusing solar panels because it’s too expensive to get them installed, wanting any future children to eat veggie only etc). I do my part to help but feel it’s never enough and I’ve started to become resentful.
I’ve tried to imagine life with just one kid of my own and it just makes me sad. I think I’ll always think “just one more”. I can’t be angry at him because his reasons are valid and I can’t force him to have a child he doesn’t want.
I keep going over different scenarios in my head. Is this enough justification to leave? It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want ANY children. And if I left there’s no guarantee I’d find someone, and if I did, could successfully have children with. If we stayed together, we might change our minds. We might not. And one of us would be resentful.
What do you think? I’d very much appreciate hearing another opinion on this as I feel completely at a loss what to do.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Husband wants only one child now
blueleonburger · 02/09/2020 14:52
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