Cheating husband - 10 years of marriage

[Angryconfused]

Help! What’s bothering me is not just that he had an affair but what he did.

So we met this woman at a conference last year Nov. they hit it off and as he was voted onto the conference committee she told him about an upcoming conference March 2020
And I said no problem at the time...kicking myself there.

Then i noticed she started messaging and phoning him constantly!!! I asked him if I should be concerned and he said no. I get upset as it continues.

Fast forward to Feb 2020 I find out that she came to our home town and he didn’t tell me. She posted photos on her FB account and they looked like a frigging couple!!! I confronted him and he of course lied and said he knew how much I didn’t like her that is why he didn’t tell me she was here. Those photos came down very quickly.

March 2020 he goes up to the conference and i couldn’t sleep cause my sixth sense was telling me something was wrong.

April with Covid he is still constantly talking to her...he even messaged her next to me in bed at 1am to ask if she was still up!!!! I blew up and said he had to make a choice between me and her. He said I was being ridiculous and they are just friends and he isn’t doing that. I begged him saying he was hurting me. He says he stopped but then find out he sent her a balloons for her birthday.

Anyways found the evidence to prove I wasn’t craZy like he said I was, that I was seeing smoke where there was no fire

Found out:

1. Feb - he rented her an Airbnb 10mins away from our house!!! He said she stayed with a friend on the other side of town.
   
2. naked photos of her in his phone
   
3. photos of them kissing
   
4. what’s app chats where he said if he leaves his wife he wants a proper relationship with her and that he loves her
   
5. bought her not only balloons for her birthday and said it was for her son but a cake
   
6. a Kate spade bag which he told me and the husband was for my birthday (July) which i never got
   
7. dress and god knows what else
   
8. emails where he told her he could speak to her and then was emailing her to say he loves her and misses her and wants her to be happy
   
9. Pinterest/Instagram they are sending photos of engagement rings and wedding dresses!!!
   
10. I actually thought our relationship was getting stronger than ever
    
11. we were still intimate while he was having this affair
    
    Call the woman’s husband who had found evidence the day before of lovey dovey messages he sent to her.
    
    Confront him without the evidence he denied and even gets her to write WhatsApp message to me saying she was happily married and not to put my problems on her.
    
    So confronted him with the evidence. He said they only kissed nothing else.....the one day and that the felt guilty for it so messaged me afterwards yet it seems he wasn’t feeling too guilty to fool around with her in the car.
    
    Then I find a long love note from her saying how she remember their first kiss and when they first made love...she confessed to the husband that they had sex constantly which my husband still denies.
    
    She also sent photos of love notes he had written to her the day he left....
    
    I’m angry
    I hate him but love him
    I look at him and just think of what he did with her
    I look at him and want him to hurt as much as I am
    And what gets me is his ex wife and his girlfriend before me both cheated on him multiple times!
    
    I don’t know how to move on
    I don’t know how to stop thinking of what he did.
    I had already accepted that they slept together despite what he says I know they did and the evidence supports.
    
    We both are trying but I can’t keep thinking about it.
    
    Who looks at engagement rings unless it was really serious right?!
    
    Thanks!

[Fatted]

Don't forgive him OP chuck him out.

[Lozzerbmc]

I’m sorry this is awful of him to have treated you this way and after 10 years of marriage its hard to take in and process. My exh of 14 years dropped me like a hot potato for someone he’d known only a few months. She was amazing, he loved her apparently. It didnt last.

It took a while to move on, it was painful to think of them together living in my home and sometimes so hard to contemplate the future alone, but there is life after a cheating husband. Life is so much better now. Dont torture yourself with thinking of them though its difficult I know. Focus on you and take it a day at a time. Do things that make you feel good. Do you have children? You need legal advice.

[Angryconfused]

We have 2 young children together

[TeddyIsaHe]

Why are you trying?? This man had a full blown relationship with another woman.

You deserve SO much more than that. Get rid, this will eat you alive and you won’t be happy because it will always be at the back of your mind.

There’s no trust. This is not a healthy way to live.

[Lozzerbmc]

I’ve assumed he left for good but is he back? Dont take him back he will only do it again!

[riromay]

Please set a good example to your kids and kick him out! I can't believe you're even thinking of making this work.. why?!

[Dontletitbeyou]

No4 on your Found out list would have done it for me . Right there , Right then . He’d be out that fuckin door so fast .
Sorry Op , your DH is a Lowlife cu#t,

[Angryconfused]

We have 2 young children.
Just got a mortgage on a house
Finances

[Egghead68]

I hate him but love him

Clearly he doesn’t love you.

I think you should kick him out immediately and start divorce proceedings.

Sadly you are not going to.

I’m sorry this happened.

[MaidenMotherCrone]

You may love him but you should love yourself more! He doesn't love you. Cheating and lying isn't love. Set your bar higher.

[Dontletitbeyou]

No 2 and 3 aren’t much better . Christ all of it is really grim . Screwing around behind your back and no doubt making you feel bad for doubting him . Who even takes a picture of themselves kissing OW . So he’s dumb AF and well as being a cheating wanker
Fuck him right off Op

[Angryconfused]

He has given me access to his phone, FB,IG,PI and emails.

He has blocked her on all social media and emails and phone.

[DianaT1969]

Regardless of your house and children, he didn't want to stay faithful. There will be a lot of pain and no trust if you stay with him. You won't want to be intimate with this man - or at least not in the same way.
If you decide to stay with him because you need his income, then you'll need to do it for that reason - openly. "I'm staying with you because I need your income to survive. I don't forgive you. You lied to me and kept on lying."

[Nat6999]

He could unblock her any time he wants to send messages & then block her after she has received the message, for all you know he could now have a burner phone to communicate with her or secret accounts you don't know about. Either kick him out or you move out, the trust is gone, the only place your marriage is going is the divorce courts, no matter how much you love him.

[fuzzymoon]

The issue is not the affair itself but how he treated you during the affair.

He gaslighted you.
Made out you were an idiot.
Didn't care about your feelings at all.
Didn't care about the effect on his children.
Is only trying with you now because the OW husband found out so it's ended.
He discussed and shared intimate details about you and his feelings with someone else.

How can you trust him again.
How do you believe he loves you and respects you after doing that to you.
How do you respect him now.

Leaving him you will feel lonely and very hurt but only for a short while.
You will feel lonely , hurt , used and paranoid forever if you stay with him.

[GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy]

There is literally no way this can work. I'm staggered you think it can! He didn't just make a "mistake," he shat over you all this time. He is a long term liar, has zero respect for you and absolutely cannot be trusted. You will tie yourself up in knots wondering if he's where he says he is, texting who he claims to be, etc. It will make you mentally ill. I have been there.
The prospect of splitting may seem hellish but jesus it's by FAR the better option.

[Blwoingbubbles]

Op - cheating is one thing. Gaslighting, projecting and manipulating is another.
Both are disputable but especially the latter. How can you get past someone trying to convince you that you are bat shit crazy when they know full well you are right? That is not how someone treats you if they have a shred of respect for you.
I’m sorry but it’s vile behaviour from him.
Life if so short - do you want to spend it looking over your shoulder and feeling paranoid and never good enough? There are men out there who would never treat you this way. Why settle for a narcissist?

[Blwoingbubbles]

Despicable*

[litterbird]

If you prefer to stay then do. He will re kindle his relationship with her very soon. The only way you can get through this is understand your husband isn't the man you married. You can live with him and pretend you are married and live your life because you have a mortgage and young children. You can view him as a house mate that you bumble along together whilst he has his OW on the side. Your marriage is dead but as you state you really are not looking at leaving....then stay....get counselling as your mental health will be shot to pieces for the rest of your life. There isn't a marriage anymore, there is a man you used to love living in your home that wants to be with another woman but pretends he doesn't. Your choice, your life. Its very tough. I wish you well.

[MrsPerfect12]

I suggest therapy. You need to work through this properly before you can even attempt to forgive. Make it a condition to your marriage. If he wants it to work he'll do it, if he won't even do that for you don't give him another chance.

[AnyFucker]

This will not work
You are wasting your precious time on a worthless cheat
Your energy would be better spent on yourself and your children. Get him out of your house.

[Sexnotgender]

You deserve so much better than this. Raise your bar.

[Onlythepoets]

Does he want to be with her? It sounds like he does. What’s stopping them being together?

[Vodkacranberryplease]

He doesn't love you he just does t want to lose his children. Or the money. So if you stay at least do do in that basis.

You don't start a full on love affair talking about weddings if it's just sex. I'm guessing her H for now is sticking with her but if that doesn't last he's off. But you are crazy to stay with a man who doesn't want or love you. Find a way to co parent.

Tell him he can see the children 50/50 and you'll work and watch his relief. Because that's the only reason he's staying

[Angryconfused]

Live far away
The woman told her husband it was ending, my husband told her he was choosing his wife and family and we (myself and her husband) both would have not known. And they would have had to live with the guilt of what they did.....