Online relationship advice

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

DH and I have had some issues and as a first step I thought we could watch some YouTube videos about building trust in a relationship.
Of course there are hundreds of such videos out there so is there anyone you could recommend?
We're middle aged and have been together for some time.

[Wondersense]

I have nothing to recommend but I will caution you about Youtube. There are lots of snake oil salesmen on there and gurus. Lots of men in particular wearing white lab coats in front of the camera in order to fool people into thinking they're a professional, some even say they are a doctor when they are not. A lot of it comes from America because in terms of sheer numbers they will dominate the market. Christianity is a lot stronger there, so expect to see some videos that have a religious underpinning that influences their advice. It may not always be obvious, and it doesn't mean it's of no value, but it's just something to keep in mind,

It's up to you which advice you take, but just be extra careful when they list made-up qualifications to boost their channel and credibility.

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

Thanks, that's why I asked here.

I'm a reader, so would start with a book Dh isn't so I thought there might be something helpful on YT we could watch together.

[Anonymouscat20]

OP - I have watched several of Love Advice TV’s videos, they’re good but you have to sift through ones that are applicable as they tend to talk more about dating. Hope this helps

[MiddleAgedLurker]

I think Alain de Botton's School of Life videos are helpful, lots of fairly short and easy to absorb episodes about relationships

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

Thank you so much. We can't even go to Relate easily, they will do zoom but we've got the kids here so no privacy!

[category12]

What sort of issues have you had?

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

I can't even see a suitable book to read having said I'm a reader. Sadly I have no one to talk to.

[granadagirl]

Relate do online chat

[granadagirl]

Free

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

@category12
I don't think I could explain very well.
Suffice it to say we have trust issues that we want to rebuild.

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

Online chat might work

[Bunnymumy]

Building trust?
Surely you either trust someone or you don't.

And if you don't then either they have given you good reason not to trust them OR you have issues to work on as an individual and probably need to be single.

I guess there could be more to it.
Like if maybe one person cheated and the other person decided to forgive..? But it's not as easy as just forgiving. Surely in that case, time is the determining factor. You dont need training in forgiveness or trust. It develops organically and at your own pace and you're entitled to feel however you feel.

[Thedevilofsmallthings]

Looks like they charge for online plus they seem to be closed a lot.

[Wondersense]

@middleagedlurker

lots of fairly short and easy to absorb episodes about relationships

That's because he seems to have made an entire career out of mainly pointing out the obvious (which is a bit easier when you have in credibly wealthy background). At first, his videos may seem like widsom, but they are full of generalisations that literally anyone here could make. Like Stephen Fry, he is a stupid person's smart person (no disrespect to Fry). They intellectual figures who are adored by the English masses who defer to their upper-class accents and developed vocabulary. Lets try to speak in his style -

When trust is broken, it disturbs or equilibrium. Things that we thought were solid no longer seem to be. Our heads are filled with doubts. We question if our partner will leave which takes us back into childhood fears. Our world is turned upside down when we finally realise that our partner is not who we hoped they were. We must sit down and decide if we want to maintain a relationship with who they are as opposed to who we hoped they were. We start by looking inward and seeing if there are things in our own pasts that have led us on this path. An unavailable or unreliable father? A traumatic event? We must come together with out partner to realise that trust must be developed and earnt, especially after a betrayal. We must set out into the future with bravery.

I mean, fair enough, but I've seen much better advice on forums like this, even though they aren't videos as requested.

[Lweji]

"We"?

Trust is easy to be lost and difficult to gain.
The only way to build trust is to be trustworthy. That takes time.
And that is why people don't usually marry people they've just met.

If you need to rebuild trust, that means it has been lost.
I don't want to guess, but I'll just say that if trust has been lost, it should be the person who broke the trust who should do the work.

[MiddleAgedLurker]

@Wondersense Well yes, it's very broad based but unless you are taking advice based on specifics that is inevitable. What his stuff does is get you thinking and perhaps talking together, which might be helpful

[Wondersense]

[quote MiddleAgedLurker]@Wondersense Well yes, it's very broad based but unless you are taking advice based on specifics that is inevitable. What his stuff does is get you thinking and perhaps talking together, which might be helpful[/quote]
Fair enough.

[category12]

I don't think I could explain very well. Suffice it to say we have trust issues that we want to rebuild.

Do you mean he cheated on you and you don't want to say because we'll tell you to dump him?

[category12]

Do feel free to ignore me ^

[Lweji]

Or are you feeling insecure for no reason at all, even though he disappears for hours or keeps mentioning that colleague?

[slaveforpeppa]

Chumplady

Lose a cheater: gain a life

[Roguesausage]

John gottomans site is very good and explains a lot about trust.