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Used and left

(248 Posts)
Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 11:40:34

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

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Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 11:47:33

Thus is my first attempt at online dating

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Pokske Mon 31-Aug-20 11:49:44

I'm a middle aged woman as well, living alone for the last three years. Before that I lived with my partner for 10 years, before that I'd been single for 5 or so years.
I don't do this whole internet-dating. I never had ONS either.
I had works done in my garden and one of the workmen came on to me. We've seen each other a few times and had sex. If it's going to lead anywhere I don't know.
Don't make a big deal out of it. I try to think that it doesn't matter that much, just have a good time and see where it takes you. If it doesn't take you anywhere, so be it. Try and be relax about it.
Your bloke clearly was a user. Try and think you used him as well.
Don't feel dirty, there's no use for that at all.
Good luck.

Onlythepoets Mon 31-Aug-20 11:51:51

Sorry, there are so many threads on here with the same scenario. It happens a lot especially with online dating.

Was it the first time you met?

sapnupuas Mon 31-Aug-20 11:52:37

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Please please do not feel stupid or dirty - you are neither of these things. You're allowed to have sex on the guest date and one night stands.

Take from this that you had a nice date that didn't work out but don't be disheartened.

Onlythepoets Mon 31-Aug-20 11:52:53

Don’t be taken in by the countless texts. Don’t get so involved. It’s such a waste of energy and time which I have learnt myself.

Bluntness100 Mon 31-Aug-20 11:52:54

Op you shouldn’t have sex with someone on a first date if you’re not happy for it to end there. You have sex because you want to, not because you Have an expectation of a relationship out of it.

He’s not done anything wrong, plenty of people have one night stands,

Feeling dirty and used is about your own feelings about sex out with relationships. Next time don’t have sex on your first meeting but meet him a few time’s and then decide, if you wish to go there and learn from this experience that sex is for you something that is part of a relationship.

funnylittlefloozie Mon 31-Aug-20 11:53:08

Im sorry it wasnt what you hoped it would be. Unfortunately there are a lot of idiots like this out there, who are just out for a quick shag. If its any consolation, most of them block and move on after one night because they are crap in bed and know it. If you slept with them more than once, you'd know it as well.

Generally (not always, of course, but very often), if your first date involves a hotel, its JUST about the sex. You've learned that lesson now. Having a one-nighter doesnt make you a bad person, or a slapper or anything else.

Chalk the whole thing up to experience and move on.

Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 11:53:10

Thanks for responding- my skin is literally crawling and I feel so embarrassed- and ashamed. I’m going over the night in my head wondering did I say it do something wrong?- did my body repulse him - I’m a size 16.

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AnaViaSalamanca Mon 31-Aug-20 11:53:24

In the kindest possible way, try to change your attitude towards sex. It's between consenting adults, and a part of people getting to know each other. You were not used. You can't expect every sexual interaction to end with an engagement ring.

A lot of people are not into casual sex though and attach a lot of meaning to it. Try to either make peace with it, or don't do it until the relationship gets more serious.

Noisymotorbike Mon 31-Aug-20 11:54:00

Aww, don't feel bad. I've heard OLD can be brutal, you'll be feeling happier and more buoyant soon.

There's a huge thread about it on here.

Onlythepoets Mon 31-Aug-20 11:54:51

In your case I would take it slower. A few texts or chats online, arrange to meet for coffee, take it slower with proper dates, not all nighters with meals and hotels.

Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 11:55:34

He said he wanted a relationship- he told his family about me. Probably lies now I realise. Yes the first physical date but we had been virtually dating for weeks- he actually referred to me as his virtual girlfriend!

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BertiesLanding Mon 31-Aug-20 11:55:59

I am going to say something that sounds incredibly old-fashioned and sexist, but I have learned the hard way: wait, wait, wait to have sex with someone you meet on OLD.

The rules have changed because the medium has changed, and men generally behave like they have the keys to a candy store that never runs out of stock.

If a man is genuinely interested in you, he will wait patiently - and you will also have time to get to know the measure of him.

Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 11:57:38

I’m done with online dating - I was very honest with this guy about the fact that I don’t do casual sex- we had plans for me to visit him - he came to where I was staying - an apartment I have use of so no hotels booked- I’m clearly too sensitive

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minnieok Mon 31-Aug-20 11:58:03

Old requires a thick skin but there's gems out there. A decent guy won't pressurise you on a first date, that said don't be ashamed, there's nothing wrong with a one night stand if a good time was had - you are an adult and deserve fun.

I met dp online, I'm a similar size and I was nervous but I cannot imagine why now. Try to relax and just have a good time, someone special is out there

Onlythepoets Mon 31-Aug-20 11:58:08

It’s not necessarily a lie. He probably got over-excited before you met and thought it would be a wonderful relationship but it’s meaningless when you’ve never even met. I’ve done it myself, had a change of heart after meeting as you never know.

Bluntness100 Mon 31-Aug-20 11:58:51

Op it’s nothing about your body he clearly fancied you. He just decided he didn’t wish a relationship. That’s ok. You need to meet people a few times, get to know them if you have such a strong reaction to one night stands.

Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 11:58:54

I normally wait months before being intimate!- I just trusted him. He said he would never let me down! That I was a decent person. Lies!

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AnaViaSalamanca Mon 31-Aug-20 11:59:44

Still he didn't say he wanted a relationship right now, or with you. A lot of people genuinely want a relationship, and dating is a part of it. What do you really expect, that he commits to you after one date? Maybe he didn't have the right feelings after sex. It happens. Dating is about getting to know people, and seeing if they are a good fit for you. Sex is a huge part of that.

Onlythepoets Mon 31-Aug-20 12:00:18

Yes but you didn’t know him! You can’t trust someone just because you exchanged lots of texts on WhatsApp.

Bluntness100 Mon 31-Aug-20 12:01:17

Usedandhurt

I normally wait months before being intimate!- I just trusted him. He said he would never let me down! That I was a decent person. Lies!

Cmon now. He was a stranger. You only met him once. You know you didn’t trust someone you don’t know, and that he couldn’t promise to not let you down. He was and still is a virtual stranger.

ChaChaCha2012 Mon 31-Aug-20 12:01:22

You do do casual sex, you met this man for the first time and you had sex with him. That's absolutely fine, there's nothing dirty or stupid about it.

I don't think you repulsed him, if you did he would not have had sex with you.

Be a bit kinder to yourself, but for the future, don't jump in so quickly.

Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 12:02:02

I’m quite old fashioned about sex - he knew this!- we literally told each other family secrets! - he told me about his worries around his children- talked about his friends - the marital issues one of his siblings was experiencing- I’ve been used- he knew it was never casual for me!

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Usedandhurt Mon 31-Aug-20 12:03:13

He didn’t feel like a stranger - it felt like an old fashioned courtship !

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