Advanced search

I think my boyfriend sexually assaulted / raped me

(94 Posts)
Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:24:08

Hi ladies.

Warning, the following contains sexual and graphic description which may be triggering.

So in 2019, me and my partner had been out drinking, we got in at around 4am. He'd been in an aggressive mood all night because he cannot tolerate alcohol.. not even a bit. He's not an alcoholic or anything just whenever he has a drink which is not often, he gets very aggressive and standoffish. He ended up assaulting this bloke in the middle of the nightclub so I took him out. Anyway.. we get home and have sex, I consented..if anything I instigated it but I fell asleep after he cummed. I woke up in a bit of a daze and all hazey because I was still drunk and I remember feeling baby oil being poured all over me and he had his phone light on and was watching his penis going in and out and watching his fingers go in me etc. I kept stirring and I asked him what are you doing and he said "you asked me to do it" -I didn't I know and I know I didn't. He's never done anything like it before and we both was realllllly horny when we come home. We have been together for 4 years at this point and have a child together but I couldn't help but find it a bit weird that he deliberately had his flashlight on so he could see him doing it whilst I was sleeping.

Fast forward to Friday night (28/08/2020) again he’d been out drinking, not me this time I was sober. We had sex, very horny sex and it went on for a while and I was getting sore and tired and a bit bored so I asked him to stop. He did, then I started to fall asleep, he then went back inside and almost got off on the idea I was half asleep and cummed inside me. He then let the dog out for a wee, and that was the last thing I could remember because I fell asleep. I woke up to him again with his flashlight on his phone fingering me, licking me and also fingering me anally. I went into shock and I froze, my body started violently shaking but I thought I was cold.. I woke up and asked him what the time was because he quickly moved aswell he didn’t think I knew what he had done, and he said it was 4am , I said wow that’s late , what time did I fall asleep? He said I have been asleep for an hour, I asked what he’d been doing and he lied and said he was watching tv... the TV was off.

I have been with this man 5 years and his behaviour has really spooked me out, I’m scared to even think about it being the R word. What do you I think? Please help me

OP’s posts: |
glitterfarts Mon 31-Aug-20 08:33:09

I'm really sorry. This is rape. You can't consent when asleep. He knows its wrong as he immediately moved and lied about what he had been doing.

Please get hold of his phone and check he wasn't videoing you - there is apparently a whole section on free porn sites where men submit these.

You could go to the police with this.
It isn't a one off, I wonder how many times before he's done it that you haven't woken up.

Please leave him.

And please reach out to someone in real life.

category12 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:42:06

Yes, this is non-consensual, therefore rape. You can't consent when unconscious.

Speak to Rape Crisis if you feel able.

category12 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:46:55

And he knows what he was doing was wrong, that's why he lied.

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:47:24

Do I confront him?

OP’s posts: |
allfalldown47 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:47:33

You need to leave this horrible man immediately. I'm sorry this has happened to you op thanks
Please don't let him minimise or excuse what he has done, he has raped you.

It's also very concerning what you have said about the torch on his phone. Do you have access to his phone? He could have been filming you op sad

Do you have family/friends nearby? Call someone now, don't be ashamed to tell them what has happened. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you need to get away from him asap and the sooner you tell someone, the quicker you can get away.

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:50:12

I have access to his phone yes, I went through it thoroughly on Saturday night, I could find anything, not even a google search

OP’s posts: |
allfalldown47 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:50:16

I wouldn't confront him, he'll probably deny, minimise or beg your forgiveness!

In your shoes I would go to my parents or a close friends house to stay for a while.
Please tell someone.

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:51:08

He hasn’t erased his search history either it’s all there just normal things

OP’s posts: |
Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:51:58

Do you think he’s a danger to me ? I can’t understand what he’s thinking or why he would do it , like what excites him? The fact I’m asleep?

OP’s posts: |
justanotherneighinparadise Mon 31-Aug-20 08:54:24

I would suspect he was videoing it too. Is he tech savvy? Any chance he’s uploading this stuff for other men to get off on?

Thatnameistaken Mon 31-Aug-20 08:55:11

Check his video and picture files, he could have been recording. And yes, that is sexual assault and rape.

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:56:49

No he’s not tech savvy at all, I suppose you can’t truly know someone but he’s not be type to be able to cover his tracks either I’m the tech savvy one and if something was on his phone like a hidden app etc or a porn account I would find out, I have access to his email due to being his accountant and dealing with mortgages

OP’s posts: |
allfalldown47 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:57:32

I really wouldn't waste time thinking about why he does it.
He's a rapist and the only reasonable choice you have is to leave him.

Report him to the police if you feel you can but at the very least, talk to someone and get out of there op!

allfalldown47 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:58:08

Do you live together? Have children?

orangejuicer Mon 31-Aug-20 08:58:16

Leave him OP.

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:59:19

Yes we live together and have a child together

OP’s posts: |
justanotherneighinparadise Mon 31-Aug-20 09:00:19

Does he watch porn OP?

allfalldown47 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:01:29

Are you close to your parents? You need to tell someone in real life.

You need to leave him or get him out. He is a danger to you. Please don't ignore the severity of what he does to you.

mintich Mon 31-Aug-20 09:01:37

My first though was that he was filming it too. Have you checked videos on his phone, not just search history?

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:02:12

Not really, he has done in the past when he was a bit younger and had a wank when I’m out - I saw this on his search history ... but no not really a porn guy, he doesn’t get the chance really, I pick him up and take him to work everyday and then it’s the usual nighttime routine and then we go to bed at 10

OP’s posts: |
Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:02:52

I’ve checked his phone thoroughly, even for false looking apps but there is literally nothing out of the ordinary on there

OP’s posts: |
allfalldown47 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:04:19

Please don't be distracted by searching his phone etc
He may not have been filming you but he has raped you and you need to seek help and support.

Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:05:20

I don’t think I can face telling anybody I know right now I feel too embarrassed , our relationship is perfect apart from this, we are only aged 21 and 23 and we’ve done so well for ourselves, I don’t know if anyone would believe me

OP’s posts: |
Anon4010 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:08:49

Thank you all for commenting, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, deep down I knew he’d raped me and my body knew it too because of the shock symptoms I was having. I don’t feel I can tell anyone, and anyone I trust idolises him - talking to the police isn’t an option either for me - im not prepared to drag myself through all that but I think it is best I leave him and I’m going to have a long hard think today whilst he’s at work about how I’m going to leave him

thank you all

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in