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Toxic relationship, feel sick with fear

(50 Posts)
RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 07:08:32

Im so fucking stupid, i keep listening to other people when i should just do what i right for me.

I had a party that i was invited to but i didnt really want to go but as i was specifically invited by the guest i felt obliged. OH eventually agree to me going an that i go with LO.

We have a pretty toxic relationship where he will just change his mind everytime hes annoyed and just say you cant go or do such and such.

Anyway the day before he was just off with me and constantly trying to pick a fight. I yried not to retaliate, he went off to work and i blocked him on my phone because he has a tendency to send me long messages of hate through his nightshift. He came back in the morning and me and lo were still in bed but i could hear him making a cuppa, then out the front door. I went down started geting ready to for the party and we had go collect my dad who was invited too. I noticed that oh gym bag was gone so realised he went back to work to do over time.

Went to pick dad and he was up to his sly tricks and bacially wasting my time by being slow on purpose, i waited in the carwhile he spent another 30mins faffing.

Got to the party long story short it got to 6pm and i said to dad who looked like he was enjoying him self do you want to stay the night or dad knowing full well i wasnt going to stay, his reply 'oh well you dont tell me anything ' in that sly fucking arrogant tone he does like im to retarted to realise. I walked away because i didnt want to cause a scene. I then told host that i was going to leave soon( host is a family member), host seemed suprised and said i thought you were staying, i said whatever gave you that idea, i never said anything about staying the night. I began to sort LO out, hostcone over to me pleading to stay the night with dad, i was getting pissed and said i have to go home dad can stay I'll come back and collect in morning, even though it was a 3 hour journey. I got to the door to leave, and dad is stood there behind me, so i say why have you got your things your staying, by now a lot of the guests have heard the commotion and are looking, dad doesnt reply and another guest pleads with me to calm down and not to drive in such a state. So i went to the other room and another guest pleads with me to stay at this point im annoyed and say i have an OH and he is expecting me home they kept saying call him an ask so I reluctantly did but no answer (16 calls ),by now it was late so i ended up staying but OH still hasnt returned my calls or replied to messages, i know they've been sent two ticks.

Im stressing out

OP’s posts: |
baileys6904 Mon 31-Aug-20 07:18:47

No one should be so afraid of the OH.
You need out of this relationship.
Please contact women's aid if you need help or stay with your family.
Good luck OP this could be the start of the rest of your life

FippertyGibbett Mon 31-Aug-20 07:22:04

It sounds like, from what you’ve written, that you spend a lot of time doing what other people want.
Are you scared of your OH ?

RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 07:22:46

I know hes pissed off me, when i messaged him yesterday morning to tell him id arrived at hosts house he was off with me and just said i told you not to go.

I havent eaten all evening and slept a wink, i just want to home, OH makes me feel so on edge all the time. Even when im out i feel like i can never relax cz im clock watching.

I just feel so stressed out and uneasy all i want to do is go back home. My imagination is running wild with thoughts of OH leaving me, finding his things gone when i get home. Sick to the pit of my stomach. Dad witll take the piss getting ready to leave so we'll end up getting back even later. I wanted to drive by to OHs work place just to check hes there.

Just need reassurance

OP’s posts: |
whoknowswhichwayisup Mon 31-Aug-20 07:23:48

If he's leaving you he will have done you a great favour. And if he doesn't, you must. This is no way to raise a child and you deserve better.

Hazelnutlatteplease Mon 31-Aug-20 07:24:52

All your relationships seem very toxic. You should be able to go and when you choose And go home when you choose

Quartz2208 Mon 31-Aug-20 07:28:21

Your relationship with your other half is the issue. You drove 3 hours got a message saying I told you not to go so you left early

Him leaving really would be best. You blocked him so to avoid messages of hate

RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 07:30:40

Im due at work after a long break and if OH has gone AWOL i will have to call in sick on the first day back. I would be surpriseed by a move like this because he likes to stress me out especially when he knows he can dangle the fact he cares for lo while im at work

OP’s posts: |
Trixie18 Mon 31-Aug-20 07:31:14

Please take the advice of the first poster and contact women's aid. Speak to someone about how you're feeling, this is not normal, your OH sounds awful. We all have fights with our OH but he shouldn't dictate what you do or don't do and you shouldnt ever be afraid and stresses about going to a family members please party. Good luck xxx

FippertyGibbett Mon 31-Aug-20 07:31:47

He’s got you right where he wants you.

Adwodeabo Mon 31-Aug-20 07:34:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 07:43:42


Its more than this, he couldnt give a crap about social distancing. Hes not pissed about that.

We didnt break guideline we were outside and it was just one other family group who are quite a big family anyway.

OP’s posts: |
dublingirl66 Mon 31-Aug-20 07:47:00

No hang on a min
Others saying
No wonder he is annoyed??

He is An abuser
Get the hell out
Or put him out if you can
I have been there and your story is similar to mine jn some ways

This is not a good relationship

fmlfmlfmlfm Mon 31-Aug-20 07:48:55

You seem very stressed with your family almost annoyed with them for them wanting you to stay at a party it's taken hours to arrive at.

Just to relate...

I left my son with his dad while I went to weight watchers. I didn't drive so I went with my cousin. She wanted to pop into Iceland afterwards to grab some ww meals and I agreed the same.. because I was half an hour longer than when I said I was going to be. My partner went out with the baby all day and turned his phone off as punishment for me being late so I couldn't enjoy a day out.

This is what your story reminded me of. My advice is what would you say to a stranger?

Freedom courses are excellent x

CodenameVillanelle Mon 31-Aug-20 07:49:33


*I know hes pissed off me, when i messaged him yesterday morning to tell him id arrived at hosts house he was off with me and just said i told you not to go.*
I can totally understand this. Guidelines are no more than 2 households allowed to meet. You went to a party with god knows how many people, no social distancing I expect, and you took your (his?) child and exposed them to risk. No wonder he’s annoyed.

Don't be so unhelpful
She's clearly in anabusive relationship and terrified of her partner and you think it's helpful to say he has a point because of Covid?

Purplewithred Mon 31-Aug-20 07:53:27

8 out of 9 posters above have commented that you are being abused and should get out of this toxic relationship. None of your posts have acknowledged these comments, they’ve just layered on how nasty your DH is. Why have you bothered posting?

RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 07:57:29

I can relate to this. When im at work randomly he'll message and say im taking lo to xyz (another town) dont know when we'll be back, when i call text no reply. So ill have to drive home 30 mins there and and 30 mins back on my 1 hr unch break to check if his car is stil there and if he lying.

OP’s posts: |
CodenameVillanelle Mon 31-Aug-20 07:57:53


8 out of 9 posters above have commented that you are being abused and should get out of this toxic relationship. None of your posts have acknowledged these comments, they’ve just layered on how nasty your DH is. Why have you bothered posting?

She's in a panic BECAUSE SHES IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP why are you berating her for reacting 'wrongly' and telling her not to bother?

RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 08:06:54

I may not have acknowledged it by comenting specificly but im acknowledged it by taking in what posters have said by calming down alot and not completely feeaking out like i was originally when i posted.

Try to understand that i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i feel like this despite knowing my relationship is toxic.

OP’s posts: |
RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 08:10:34


Im a working professional, if you walked passed me in the street you'd never expect my life to be this way. For me i feel highly embarrassed

OP’s posts: |
Shayisgreat Mon 31-Aug-20 08:12:32

@rosscan why do you have to check if he's gone where he said he was? Do you think he's going to abduct the baby? Doesn't sound like a good relationship - try to take steps to leave.

picklemewalnuts Mon 31-Aug-20 08:18:41

Ross, are your wider family supportive? I can't quite get the mood at the party.

I'm really sorry your DH and DF are awful.

Can you get childcare for your LO? You need to be reorganising your life without your OH in it.

RossCan Mon 31-Aug-20 08:20:11


I think my brain does over time and i start thinking of the worst things . He has threatened to take LO in the past. If he did take LO he wouldnt past 48 hours

OP’s posts: |
Coffeecak3 Mon 31-Aug-20 08:21:29

@Adwodeabo are you being deliberately obtuse?

Shayisgreat Mon 31-Aug-20 08:26:42

No decent person uses their child as a way of getting back at their partner. No decent parter behaves the way you've described here. Nobody should feel terrified of their partner EVEN when they do something they were "told" not to do (though no decent partner "tells" their partner how to act.)

This relationship is not good for you and it is guaranteed to be doing harm to your child for you to be constantly terrified. Please take steps to leave.

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