Emotional abuse - awful marriage

[Upsetmum20]

Hi all, not even sure where to start. This is my first time telling anyone what’s been happening behind closed doors for years now. I’m crying whilst writing it. My husband hasn’t been nice to me for years. Always saying disgusting comments about me and insulting me. He’s hurt me before, thrown a dummy at my face, empty box at me - he says it’s fine as they was light. Not long ago my son went to hit him, I put my arm in between them to stop it happening and he hurt me. He had anger in his face. He grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard he drew blood and bruised me. Please no judgement that I didn’t leave at that. It’s complicated as I have nowhere to go. Family isn’t an option, and I am a stay at home mum with none of my own money. Our house is half mine but we have a mortgage. So he would have to agree to sell for me to have any money. My family are in a tough time with a member having colon cancer and I’ve not told them due to that :(. They are stressed enough. I’ve bottled up how I felt until today when I’ve shared with you all. Today he screamed at me, had the anger in his face. Today it was over something small in some respects but it’s really made me see clearly. I was eating dinner and my son needed his shoes to go Outside with my husband, my husband expected me to stop eating them to get them. I said typical me again. To which he huffed at me. Later an argument started he said I’m lazy and didn’t wanna get of my fat arse. He said that I have a personality disorder and attitude issue and there’s something wrong with me. He said he’s only angry because of me because I annoy him. It just made me think a lot - how is me eating need a basic need not important, it makes me lazy, yet he can stand doing nothing and watch me get the shoes and he’s not lazy. Just made me realise whatever I do he’s gonna blame me. I dunno if this is abuse. I dunno if it is my fault - I sometimes wonder. But I’ve tried to change and have changed some aspects, and others I can’t change - yet nothing’s improved. So even if it is my fault I’m seeing that this won’t ever work. I do love my husband and clearly he’s not happy either to be this angry and mean. I don’t know what’s normal or abnormal in a marriage. I feel I can’t ask anyone as he’s told me everyone will think I’m the problem and will dislike me. I dunno if it’s normal or not. But I just know I don’t feel happy. Before we use to have good moments and if we fell out try sort it before we slept. Now the issues are lasting days and we are barely speaking, if we try and speak a huge argument kicks of. Those good moments are rare and I feel Ignored. He’s always on his phone. Never asking how I am. I’m unwell atm - Hes not asked or cared. He use to be a support during things, now he’s mostly not there.
I’d love any advice, stories, support. Please be kind it’s my first time sharing with anyone and Ive been crying for hours and finding it hard thank you xxx

[Gingerkittykat]

It is abuse.
It's not your fault.
You don't need to change, like you said nothing will be good enough.
I'm not judging you for not getting out when he threw a dummy or not being able to tell your family.

You deserve better and your son deserves to grow up without witnessing this abuse.

Can you contact woman's aid? Nobody is going to force you to leave but they will be able to help you move towards that if that is what you want.

[bakedoff]

To be honest, the first sign of physical violence the marriage should be over. It’s not ok.

[ladybird69]

I could write a huge post. But basically please leave this man. He doesn’t love you or respect you and in time your little one will be used in his abuse. Sending you strength and love. Don’t be stupid like me please x

[LadyH846]

It is abuse and there's no excuse for it. You cannot stay. You have to leave for the sake of your son and yourself. Call Woman's Aid.

[MellowMelly]

Firstly well done for finding the courage to reach out on here. Many of us have been there and it’s Mumsnet that helped me out of an abusive relationship not so long ago. My situation was ramping up and I just couldn’t place my finger on what was actually going on. My brain was frazzled and I just didn’t understand what sort of abuse (if any) it was. I now understand it was covert abuse and he was very clever with it. Verbal outbursts of his were blamed on me, he was negative about everything I did, he nit picked incessantly over the food I cooked him, he was only interested in talking about himself, he caused me sleep deprivation and I felt miserable. I ended up doing a moonlight flit while he was asleep in a drunken stupor because the people on here could see what I couldn’t see. His behaviour was getting worryingly worse. I know exactly what you mean when you say he doesn’t seem to care that you are sick. They don’t. I had gastroenteritis once and my ex went mental at me because I couldn’t go and get food. It didn’t suit him for me to be unwell.

You’ll get a wealth of support, advice and knowledge on here. I second what the previous poster said in regards to contacting Womens Aid. Other posters will be along with some amazing support and advice.

[Cariadm]

I really really feel for you and am sending you a huge virtual hug...what you're experiencing is most definitely textbook 'control' abuse and he is also using you as the 'whipping boy' to take all his frustrations and anger out on, I felt shivers reading your post as lived through this my entire childhood and it still haunts me at 72, my father was a compulsive gambler, which people don't realise is as bad as living with an alcoholic, and he subjected my poor Mum to nearly 20 years of mental and physical abuse....Unfortunately for my Mum this was in a time that domestic abuse was not taken seriously and was the 'elephant in the room', the police just gave it cursory attention often not doing anything at all...Luckily, although there is still a way to go and the problem is underfunded, times have changed and I would advise you, both for your own sake and that of your son, to act before it escalates because (PLEASE don't think I want to frighten you unnecessarily) it most certainly will....don't be afraid to ask your family for help even if as you say they have their own problems, they might be more upset if they find out that you didn't ask! If this is really not an option then Women's Aid or a local refuge will assist you, they are all short of actual accommodation but they will do what they can as soon as they can and if they think you are in imminent danger they will most certainly step up...You deserve FAR BETTER and I know how easy it is to feel shame and embarrassment for being in such a situation but it's in NO WAY your fault so please don't let this stop you asking for help from friends and family, if they love you they will want to help...your husband's behaviour is totally unforgivable, he will be the loser and he just doesn't deserve you! xxxxxx

[Upsetmum20]

Thank you all for your messages. It’s nice to have so many agree with me that I’m not imagining it, I’m not the problem, and this situation isn’t right. The atmosphere here today is horrific. We have to go for a meal with friends soon for their anniversary. I have to act fine and put on a brave face, it’s hard always putting on that act. He’s back to work Wednesday so I will be alone with my son, I plan to ring a domestic abuse charity then. I’m just confused on how to do it best. If I ask him to leave he could refuse to pay the bills and I’d loose my money in the house. I dunno if I request we sell if he can refuse? I’m just unsure of how things can be done. When he’s calm and in a good mood he will discuss plans like this with me. In those moments (that I’ve previously said I’m leaving and made plans but never left and believed his sorrys) He’s pretty calm, all the sorrys happen and he says he will split the house and move out. So I’m hoping I can chat to him in those moments. But when he’s in the mood he’s in now he won’t. He will be vile if I speak to him about it. The atmosphere is just horrific here today!

Can I ask how did everyone feel after? I’m just worried I will feel alone :( x

[Upsetmum20]

Did anyone also still love their husband and enjoy the good times? When they was deciding to leave. As I do feel that way. But now the bad times are so often and awful I just cant say the good outweighs them x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"When he’s calm and in a good mood he will discuss plans like this with me. In those moments (that I’ve previously said I’m leaving and made plans but never left and believed his sorrys) He’s pretty calm, all the sorrys happen and he says he will split the house and move out"

Yeah right. What you're describing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is continuous and common to all types of abusive people.

He is your abuser and not your friend here. You need to plan your exit from this marriage with due care and diligence. You need to as MN says, get all your ducks in a row here. He will NOT be reasonable in any divorce proceedings and will likely try and be as obstructive and difficult as possible towards you as a means of "punishment" for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him, this most perfect to him of specimens. All the above is from him here is trying to butter you up into accepting very little from him in terms of a financial settlement and certainly not all that you are entitled to. He is still not the boss of you nor your jailer. Its also not up to him to decide re the property and he will continue to be obstructive here.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap re the property, your son and finances; I would not trust one single word that he utters to you about any of this and he could well try and financially shaft both you and in turn your son here.

Abuse like you describe can take a long time, years even, to recover from and your recovery from this will only properly start when you have completely separated legally from him. This is where Womens Aid's Freedom Programme could help you no end.

Your son too cannot afford to grow up thinking that his dad's treatment of you as his mum is at all normal or healthy. Better to be on your own with your son too and to be emotionally safe (you certainly are not safe emotionally with this man) than to be repeatedly abused within your home. Its no sanctuary for you or for that matter your son either.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Upsetmum

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

The "good times" you had with him too were likely to be all on his terms so they were not that good either. These also likely became further and fewer over time. Abusers are not "nasty" all the time either but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

NONE of the abuse you've suffered at his hands is your fault in any way; this is ALL on him. What if anything do you know about his own family background; chances are he grew up in an abusive environment too. Its still no excuse or justification for his actions towards you.

You were targeted by this individual and deliberately so and he saw something he could and has indeed exploited within you. He chose you carefully. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your child about relationships here?.

[Purplewithred]

Of course it's perfectly normal to enjoy the good times that you have with him - if there were none of those you wouldn't be with him and wouldn't have had a child with him. He's an adult and I am sure he is very capable of being charming and thoughtful if he wants to be.

So don't beat yourself up for staying with him and hoping things will be better. The way he acts is his choice, and he is the one responsible for breaking up your marriage. Separating is the right thing for you and for your child.

[Pokske]

This is PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL abuse.
File an official complaint, take legal advice, start looking where you can go and then take your child and run !
The official comlplaint is important since it will prove why you've left the family home. He could otherwise accuse you of abduction of the child or neglectfully leaving or so.

[LadyH846]

@Upsetmum20

Thank you all for your messages. It’s nice to have so many agree with me that I’m not imagining it, I’m not the problem, and this situation isn’t right. The atmosphere here today is horrific. We have to go for a meal with friends soon for their anniversary. I have to act fine and put on a brave face, it’s hard always putting on that act. He’s back to work Wednesday so I will be alone with my son, I plan to ring a domestic abuse charity then. I’m just confused on how to do it best. If I ask him to leave he could refuse to pay the bills and I’d loose my money in the house. I dunno if I request we sell if he can refuse? I’m just unsure of how things can be done. When he’s calm and in a good mood he will discuss plans like this with me. In those moments (that I’ve previously said I’m leaving and made plans but never left and believed his sorrys) He’s pretty calm, all the sorrys happen and he says he will split the house and move out. So I’m hoping I can chat to him in those moments. But when he’s in the mood he’s in now he won’t. He will be vile if I speak to him about it. The atmosphere is just horrific here today!

Can I ask how did everyone feel after? I’m just worried I will feel alone :( x

Yes you will likely feel alone.

But remember that feeling alone is less painful & long-lasting than the confusion and pain that this relationship will bring you long term.

Please be brave and take steps to get yourself out.

If you need insight, you may be interested to read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's about abusive men. It helped me to leave my ex and gave me strength.

It's here: docdro.id/py03

[Afriendinneed2]

Echo what everyone has said. One thing I will tell you from my own experience.. These type of men.. They will NEVER change. Not for you.. Not for your children.. Not for anyone. Having recently left an extremely abusive relationship where the last time I ended up with a broken nose.. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. My child's safety comes above all.. Even if that meant going to a refuge with nothing to my name. Please get out of this toxic marriage for both yours and your child's safety x

[Afriendinneed2]

I felt relief. Relieved that I didn't have a someone hurling abuse in my face.. Relieved I can go to sleep by myself and not be scared of what the next day holds. Relieved my daughter is nothing but safe and happy.. I don't even miss him. Our relationship feels like a distant memory.. It was a huge struggle at first i won't lie but a couple of months I've since found a beautiful house in a beautiful area for my daughter, I've been promoted at work and he's now forced to pay maintenance through deduction of earnings.. So it's not me that's the loser.. I promise you as soon as you leave you will feel so much better x

[SoulofanAggron]

It is abuse and it's not your fault, there's nothing mentally wrong with you except maybe stress that he's causing you. Of course it's not normal.

I feel I can’t ask anyone as he’s told me everyone will think I’m the problem and will dislike me

If you tell people they won't say this and definitely won't blame it on you. Him saying this is just one of his abusive tactics to make you feel unable to tell people what's going on/reach out for help.

You could tell the police- it might help with future arrangements.