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2 dates.. no spark, advice needed!

(25 Posts)
Newjh94 Sun 30-Aug-20 09:13:02

After being single for a long time I have been on dating apps such as Hinge and started speaking to a guy on there. We met up for an afternoon (non alcoholic) drink after a week or so of chatting online. It was nice, he was better looking than pictures, no real awkwardness. Went on a second date a few days later where we went for dinner. Still, nice, conversation kept going. But no spark. And I don’t know if I really like his sense of humour/it doesn’t match up to mine at all.. it didn’t feel like we had fun and I can’t imagine having fun and laughing my head off with him which is what I’d really like in a relationship! I’ve been going from yes I’ll give it a try go on a few more dates because he’s a decent guy and seems to like me, to no, I don’t want this, it doesn’t feel exciting and feels more like an effort than it should.

I don’t want to pie him off if there is a chance of something developing but.. I don’t think there is. Am I wrong? This is the first sober date I’ve been on that’s led to a second. Usually I have a drink beforehand and go on dates where we are drinking but no alcohol has been involved this time! I’m not even much of a drinker I’d only really drink when on dates (which has never been regular)

Any advice would be much appreciated!

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Sun 30-Aug-20 09:20:49

I wouldn’t bother. I made this mistake twice. Wasn’t attracted to him but thought he was nice (although he was quite fun)... kept thinking the attraction would grow...it didn’t- it turned into almost repulsion on my end- ended up with him for 4 years- have my lovely DS because of him though!!

Second one was exactly as you are describing. He was “nice” but I didn’t feel a spark and he wasn’t funny (in my Opinion- humour is subjective)... stuck with him because he was “nice”... ended up wasting 6 years of my life... he bored the crap out of me and I used to lay awake at night worrying that this was going to be for the rest of my life....

Now I’m with a wonderful man who I fancy the pants off, adore and we laugh all the time together... he makes me so happy- I think “the spark” is SO important!!

hexmeginny Sun 30-Aug-20 09:28:09

It's a tricky one - but given how you have been single for some time, do you think you are giving this more thought than you would have previously? Perhaps in the past, you'd have dismissed this guy already?

However, the spark is important, but it doesn't always appear on the first two dates! For me, it takes me a long time to "click" in that way with another person, dating or friendship.

Maybe give it a few days and see how you feel? If you are not thinking how nice it would be to see him again & you feel even a smidge excited, personally I'd knock it on the head.

Jay670 Sun 30-Aug-20 09:28:49

No. Don’t go any further. Nice isn’t enough.

Iloveme30 Sun 30-Aug-20 09:37:39

You've just been single too long 😂
If it's not there it's not there
Nice isn't enough,he needs to have you weak for him !! You need to be excited 😆 butterflies the whole nine yards
Tell him thank you ... NEXT !!
The right one is probably just around the corner 💗💗💗

ChristmasFluff Sun 30-Aug-20 09:55:37

Lack of spark at 2 dates in wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, but lack of fun definitely would. Dating is meant to be fun, otherwise what's the point?

Daisy12Maisie Sun 30-Aug-20 09:59:50

Nope. Ive been on 2 dates with someone and thought that he was nice but I'm not that bothered.
I'm currently on holiday and he text me something about his daughter that irrationally annoyed me and I've realised I cant see him again. If I liked him the thing with his daughter would be a non issue.
(Its to do with him taking 5 hrs to get her to sleep when she is 6 years old so I think it's weird not just to kiss her goodnight and that's the end of it. Why make a drama when there isnt one.)

Sakurami Sun 30-Aug-20 10:02:43

I don't know. It takes me ages to like someone but if your sense of humour is different then I guess that is never going to get better?

Bunnymumy Sun 30-Aug-20 10:09:04

This one isn't for you.
If you don't fancy him you dont fancy him. Sometimes a second date can give you a chance to see if you have any sparks at all if you weren't sure on date one but this one definately sounds like a non starter. I think you may even have known this on date one by the sounds of it. Dont strong him along as all that will happen is you'll realise you can't (and shouldnt) force feelings and he'll feel like you've been dishonest. Or worse, try to pressurise and guilt trip you.

NEXT!

nosswith Sun 30-Aug-20 10:30:28

The kindest thing for both of you is for it to go no further.

ALittleBitConfused1 Sun 30-Aug-20 10:36:44

I know when there is a spark withing minutes, it doesnt necessarily mean you fancy them or anything is going to happen nut you cant deny the chemistry or recreate it if it isnt there.
If hes nice it would kinder to just leave it now, no point wasting anyones time.
That whole elusive spark hey, you never know whether it will be present of not and its disappointing when it isnt.

GinWithRosie Sun 30-Aug-20 11:09:20

I've been wondering about this recently...and thinking 'is this lack of spark due to lack of physical touch'?

I've been on a few dates over the past month and on paper, these guys 'should' have been perfect! But in real life...nothing!! The dates were fine! We had a good time, great conversation, laughed, lots in common etc...then went home...no 'spark'...but where pre-Covid there would have been a closer physical distance (sitting much closer, definitely some flirty touching would have happened...that hand on the arm, an 'accidental' brush against the leg, moving in to 'hear' what's being said, a hug goodbye or a kiss at the end of the night)...none of that happened because we were 'socially distancing'.

I am absolutely sure that this has affected dating. At least in some way 🤷‍♀️

I'd give it time...especially if you've been really strict in your social distancing. It could just be that 🤷‍♀️ See if things develop as you start to know him more.

Eckhart Sun 30-Aug-20 11:12:11

If you're having to post on an internet forum for advice about whether to end it at this stage - that's a massive big blaring bright red flag. Do you think he's the only nice guy out there, or do you think there might be quite a few nice guys, and some who will float your boat?

Eckhart Sun 30-Aug-20 11:15:54

and thinking 'is this lack of spark due to lack of physical touch

I would doubt this, @GinWithRosie. Otherwise relationships wouldn't start in places like work, where touching has never been part of the picture. The spark is what makes the touch meaningful. If the touch was the catalyst, people working in industries where you touch all the time (like medics) would be sparking with all the wrong people all the time.

Whatisthisfuckery Sun 30-Aug-20 11:19:10

Why would you continue to see someone you aren’t interested in? Raise your standards woman. Alright I suppose is good enough for a NDN, not a partner.

GinWithRosie Sun 30-Aug-20 11:42:07

@Eckhart I'd have to disagree Eckhart. I've had the exact opposite experiences in the past (obviously pre-Covid) where I've not really been romantically that interested in a person I've been chatting to on a date, and was at the point of sacking it in, until at some point in the evening they touched me and then my whole perception changed...it was a very physical reaction and turned the whole date round.

Maybe different people react differently to touch then as a 'sparkometer'. I clearly need it. 😂

1WildTeaParty Sun 30-Aug-20 11:55:02

I think that I am a bit unromantic in doubting the 'love-at-first-sight' spark attraction even though I love the idea.

It can disappear as quickly as it appears. That kind of spark is based on surfaces. It might work out and sometimes does, but might mislead.

Deeper attraction-including the flame of real passion😁 - can take time.

Consider: Are you being your whole true self on your dates... or are you presenting a version suitable for a very new relationship? No doubt he is the same.

Have fun-relax-see what develops.

Eckhart Sun 30-Aug-20 15:43:31

@GinWithRosie Somebody should invent a 'sparkometer' smile

Newjh94 Sun 30-Aug-20 16:08:14

I think the problem is I can’t fully relax and have fun because I don’t feel like it’s fun when we hang out.. it feels like a bit of a chore to be honest 😖 which I don’t think is a good sign! Now the next thing is how to tell him. He’s asked if I’m free this Thursday which I am but I honestly just don’t want to see him, not because he’s awful but I just feel uncomfortable when I know deep down that I don’t feel anything

OP’s posts: |
crimsonlake Sun 30-Aug-20 16:24:22

Basically you have to fancy him.
Imagine yourself kissing him, if you do not want to there's your answer.
Over the years I have had lots of perfectly pleasant dates, good conversation but there is only one who I was attracted to. That is why I am still on my own, looking for that spark is like searching for the holy grail.
I've even done the second date thing just to make sure, I was always right the first time and should not have bothered wasting both our time.

fuandylp Sun 30-Aug-20 17:00:20

He's not the one for you. If his sense of humour doesn't match yours and he's not making you laugh on a second date then it's going nowhere.
Just let him down gently and say you don't want to go on the date.
Someone else can suggest the right words, I'm useless at things like this.

fuandylp Sun 30-Aug-20 17:00:30

He's not the one for you. If his sense of humour doesn't match yours and he's not making you laugh on a second date then it's going nowhere.
Just let him down gently and say you don't want to go on the date.
Someone else can suggest the right words, I'm useless at things like this.

Eckhart Sun 30-Aug-20 19:14:15

You don't owe him your company or your time, and you shouldn't feel bad for how you feel. I'd be perfectly honest. If I were him and I read this thread, I'd be thinking 'Why doesn't she just TELL me?!'

After a couple of dates, I think it's ok to tell him by text that you think he's lovely but you don't feel a spark. You could offer him friendship?

Newjh94 Mon 31-Aug-20 15:13:31

Thanks everyone. Good advice. I’ve sent a message explaining it’s just not right for me at the moment, but I had a good time and was good meeting him. His reply has just made me feel sooo guilty it was very accepting but just seems sad and I feel horrible. I don’t think I’ve done that since school. Now I’m questioning whether I made the right call but I’m sure I did cos he called me this morning (I missed it) and seeing the missed call made me think ‘right I really need to tell him now’

confused dating is so confusing and hard. Why can’t o just be into the guys that are actually into me??!

OP’s posts: |
fuandylp Tue 01-Sep-20 11:05:22

His reply has just made me feel sooo guilty it was very accepting but just seems sad and I feel horrible.

I know this feeling of guilt too but you need to try to shake it off.
You've done nothing wrong. You decided there was no spark so you've let him know ASAP rather than letting it continue any longer.

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