Struggling with Stbexh girlfriend

[Wannabegreenfingers]

Hello, I posted the other day about my stbex finally admitting to being with his new girlfriend. Its a complex situation in that they already living together. He's told everyone that they are just friends and she was doing him a favour. We broke up around Xmas, tried for a month and we finally threw in the towel at the end if January. She has been on the scence since some time last year...

Background is, she is his ex from around 20 years ago. We were together for 14 years and married for 12 and have two children under 10.

He is making out that this is recent and feelings have developed - how cliché!!

They aren't planning to tell the children yet, he currently has them at his parents when its his weekends.

I just feel sick, I can't sleep, I'm so angry. I knew, but has denied everything until now. He picked the week before our sons bday to tell me, but this is him a over.

I dont want him back, hes a controlling arse, but hes now living his best life and gets to play Disney Dad, once a fortnight.

He even messaged a joint friend last night, about his new relationship as hes worried people will judge - well guess what they do!! Why, just why does he feel the need to do this?? Why can't he get on with his own life and his new friends and allow me my space 😒

[millymollymoomoo]

What do you want him to do differently ?

It hurts, but you’re separated so he’s moving on.

[JoysOfString]

You’ve got rid of him and he’s got someone else - it’s going to be a big adjustment and take a while to get used to, but you will get there. You know he’s not good for you and don’t want him back, which is good. And I have some respect for him for keeping his gf separate from seeing his kids at least so far.

However messaging you to moan is not on. Tell him once you don’t want to know and to only message you about childcare arrangements/necessary practical stuff. Then ignore any other messages.

[Backtoschoolnotsoonenough]

No offence to your dc but a new relationship with dc under foot won't be a great start...
He may be Disney df but you get chance to enjoy your dc without him around.
My dc at 12 +14 dumped Disney df because they wanted an actual parent - their words.
His new gf may have an ideal that he is the same man as 20 years ago...
Allow her to find out the truth..

[Decentsalnotime]

I’m confused
What is he doing that is stopping you from getting on with your life?

[LemonTT]

He’s getting on with his own life. He’s giving you space.

Why can’t you let him have space to live his life. Why Is your friend sharing messages with you. Sounds like you are digging around which will do you no good.

His life is something you have no control over. Trying to interfere and listening to gossip will make you sick and angry. You can control your own life and boundaries

[Sakurami]

The best thing to do is to enjoy your freedom and your life. If he is Disney dad then let him. As long as your kids are happy then it's fine.

[paintmegood]

What is it you want people to say? You're apart and he has moved on. He's done nothing wrong by contacting a mutual friend.

I get it's hurtful when an ex starts a new relationship and probably more so when it's someone from their past. I know someone who go back with their first love and it drove their ex mad wondering if they'd always had feelings for each other.

[Wannabegreenfingers]

He's controlling still. The persona he puts on in front of others versus the person I have to deal with in private is very different. He speaks to me like shit in private, told me if I want friendly to go and find it, yet in front if others talks to me like I'm his best friend.

I get regular phone calls having a go at me, because I dare to take the children for a day out or book a holiday - apparently I'm one of 'those women' who ever they are?!.

He only hosts at his parents as he refused to rent his own place. They do the lions share of parenting, whilst he goes out with friends. Ive not broached this with him as I can't and won't tell him how to parent when he has the children. They are safe with grandparents.

I guess for me its frustrating, hes never done the grunt work and now his parents pick up the slack.

I just want him to leave me alone.

[Iwonder08]

OP, I am very sympathetic to your situation, but in the nicest possible way you do need to work very hard on yourself and try to let it go. My mother divorced my father 15 years ago(she initiated it). To this day at leatt once a week I have to listen to her comments about my dad and his life choices. I keep telling her it is none of her business what he is up to now. Please don't let it happen to you!

[Wannabegreenfingers]

I guess I just need time. I was treated with contempt for so long. I dont recognise the person he is now.

I'm hurt. I definitely don't want to become some sort of Miss Haversham figure, but for now I'll stick with my childfen and friends. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to meet someone special.

[RandomTree]

Let it go, OP. Ignore him and his new girlfriend and focus on yourself and your DC.

[bakedoff]

Ignore him. You need to be disinterested. It’s none of his business if you take the kids out for a day or book a holiday. Why does he know that stuff? Do not speak to him. Do not communicate. Zero contact as much as possible. How old are the children? You get them a phone so they can make their own contact details and you set up an email that is just for contact about the kids with him. You check it once per day at a set time. No phone calls. Do not respond to anything. Grey rock. Book and see a therapist to talk all of this out. You’ve been treated badly and need a sympathetic outlet

[Sakurami]

It doesn't take away the value of what you do. I also do the grunt work and all the proper parenting. But I do it for the benefit to my kids ans not to showcase how much better I am at parenting.

I also have to pick up a lot of the slack but it's fine. I don't have to deal with him and I get some me time which I never did when we were together.

Don't let him talk to you like shit though. Only communicate via messaging and don't answer anything that has nothing to do with him. And if you do, be short and tell him it's none of his business.

[Wannabegreenfingers]

Thank you. I had tell him about the holiday as I'm taking the children out of the country for two weeks.

The other stuff he finds out through the kids. We've had a nice day out and they want to share the experience with him when they talk to him, then I get the shit.

Grey rock is definitely the way forward. He has handed back his house keys now and is collecting the last of his things today at drop off. They are packed and in the garage.

[ManUMum55]

The sympathy team is out in force today. Of course you are hurting OP and you need to grieve the loss of the relationship and the deception. I'm sure lockdown has made this all the harder for you. Be kind to yourself.

[Wannabegreenfingers]

ManUMum55 - thank you x

[LilyWater]

OP, feel for you as the breakdown of marriage is very hard, especially for women. Why not arrange for him to have the children more often than once a fortnight (assuming he wants it) as really the kids should be seeing him more? It will also give you more time for yourself and to process the end of your marriage.

Agree with the previous poster - don't let any of your bitterness and upset be picked up on by your kids - not healthy for them at all.

[Wannabegreenfingers]

I've tried, he doesn't want to. He speaks to them every day and seems to think this is enough with the every other weekend visits. He's moved an hour away.

I've never bad mouthed him in front of the kids and always speak about him in a positive manner. If I need to vent I pick up the phone to my sister and a few select friends - they are saints

[Tappering]

Don't speak to him - do it via email. Keep messages very factual and short.

If he rings you - ignore the call. If he emails a load of abuse then ignore it. You need to grey rock him and only respond when there is a genuine question regarding the children.

Quite often men like this get bored when they realise that you won't give them the reaction that they want.

[Wannabegreenfingers]

Thank you folks.

My only communication will be strictly related to the children, no small talk and no engaging in trying to be friendly. I can do the fake smile for my kids when its needed.

[CheshireChat]

This is why I refuse to have talk on the phone with my ex, texts all the way.

And I routinely save them just in case 🤷🏻‍♀️