DH said he's not happy

(17 Posts)
1starwars2 Sat 29-Aug-20 20:53:10

So DH has been off all day. This evening he has told me he's not happy. That there is no spark or excitement in our relationship.
All these things are true. To be honest I can cope with it bobbing along, unexciting.
Now he has said it he can't unsay it.
Where do we go from here?
I don't know if I want to be single, but probably he is right we shouldn't just carry on as it is.
I don't know if I can have a happy and exciting relationship with him though. So much of the small things he says or does annoy me. I don't particularly enjoy his company and look forward to him going out.
Is it worth trying or is it a long dead relationship? How do you know?
We have 2 children 11 and 13 and are reasonably financially secure.
We have been together over 25 years.

OP’s posts: |
Onthemaintrunkline Sat 29-Aug-20 21:14:47

Hi, after being a couple for 25 years.....that’s a lifetime in itself. Looking to the future alone, albeit with the children, but without a partner must be frightening. But how much more demoralising to be sitting on your sofa in say 2 years time thinking why didn’t I have the courage to change this.
You say you look forward to him going out, that sounds pretty grim - do you sigh when he comes back.? Would marriage counselling help, unsure what’s its called in the UK, if that’s where you are. One way or another you need to put a spark of gladness back into your life either with or without him. Do you think he might have met someone else already? But one way or another you need to make changes for you to feel happier than you sound to be presently. All the best.

GetThatHelmetOn Sat 29-Aug-20 21:24:39

OP, it is difficult to know what the future may hold but from the little you have said, I think you both have fallen out of love and, if he is not happy and you don’t care much about rekindling the relationship, you are in a very good position to split amicably.

A lot of people stay in relationships that are long dead, and when they do, resentment on both sides starts to creep in. As my ex rightly said, it is better to part now in good terms than wait until you are fighting all the time and hurting each other and the kids. If you part in good terms the chances of going through the separation of assets without substantial damage are increased, it also puts you in a good place to co parent your kids effectively together but separately.

Justmuddlingalong Sat 29-Aug-20 21:28:32

Sadly I think the resignation you seem to feel regarding your relationship, is a sign that there's no future as it stands.
His annoying you to the extent you look forward to him going out is very telling of a dead relationship. 💐

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Sat 29-Aug-20 21:29:49

Has he suggested anything to bring any excitement into the relationship for you both?

1starwars2 Sat 29-Aug-20 21:31:34

Thank you.
To be honest I am happy, content, with my children, home, friends and job.
However DH and I have less and less in common. I feel I have grown up and he hasn't. He is bored, where I am content.
He would like to do more, lockdown hasn't helped. He is happiest busy, and doing sports which I no longer share with him, or want to.
He always saying "what are we doing" , kids are at an age where, particularly DS1 no longer wants to do everything DH wants to do. I am tired of making children do things just to keep DH entertained.
I am fine with a quieter life.

OP’s posts: |
RednaxelasLunch Sat 29-Aug-20 21:35:58

Life isn't meant to have constant spark or excitement. There's plenty of boring bits.

If he bothered getting to know his children he could find some activities to do with them that they actually enjoy and want to do. Instead of railroading them into doing what he wants.

He needs to stop and look and listen. He might get into the moment and feel some feelings and experience real life. Instead of chasing "excitement".


RoadworksAgain Sat 29-Aug-20 21:44:04

So what suggestions has he come up with to try and put the spark and excitement back into the relationship?

Or has he just made his announcement and now he's waiting for you to sort it out.

1starwars2 Sat 29-Aug-20 21:48:43

Yes, just an announcement really.
I wasn't sure what to say, I'm still not, but I don't feel like I have any easy solutions.
Now he has raised it, I am not sure if I want a solution.

OP’s posts: |
FippertyGibbett Sat 29-Aug-20 21:53:36

Is your hubby the guy on the other thread that was telling his wife it’s over last night, but he bottled it ?

BubblyBarbara Sat 29-Aug-20 21:58:30

Search “the script” on here, he’s probably cheating and this is the first step of the script.

category12 Sat 29-Aug-20 22:15:35

It doesn't sound like you really want to keep the relationship going.

Babaoreally Sat 29-Aug-20 22:41:03

He’s not bored OP and he’s not looking for you to book couple skydiving weekends - you know this, right?

“ So much of the small things he says or does annoy me. I don't particularly enjoy his company and look forward to him going out.”

There is the problem, right there. You haven’t ‘both fallen out of love’ - he wouldn’t be wanting to fix things if that were the case.
All the talk of ‘life can’t be exciting all the time, what’s he done to spark things? - he needs to listen’ - they’re just gaslighting- and you know it OP.

At the heart of things - you don’t really want to love him back. Is there a reason. Is there someone else? Are you harbouring resentment? Have you just grown apart?

I’m with @Justmuddlingalong - perhaps some counselling might help - before you take too much advice here, and find ways to turn it all back on him?

Peachy1381 Sat 29-Aug-20 22:56:38

@Babaoreally this ^

1starwars2 Sun 30-Aug-20 09:33:13

Hi, So, yes we have partly grown apart, yes I resent some things, and he does too.
No, there is no one else involved.
We have talked this morning.
He feels that we never do anything. That our self life is rubbish, we have sex but it is boring, and I am not interested enough. He feels upset that we have little emotional connection.
A lot of what he says is true, or has elements of truth.
He is hypercritcal, over the years his criticism and analysis has put me off talking to him. I don't like him a lot of the time.
For example I took DS1 running yesterday, when we came in the door he wanted to know how far we ran - we don't know.
This morning he used this as an example of 'nobody really pushes themselves in this house' . 'You weren't out of breath when you walked in the door.'
I run with DS for fun, exercise and connection, we had walked the last part so we could talk. There is no way DS would go for a run with DH - he would make his run further and faster than he wanted to.
This is a small example of how we are different and how DH picks at and criticises.
Over the years my response has been to tell him less, not engage and emotionally distance.
I don't see a way back, although I have told him I will think about it.

OP’s posts: |
millymollymoomoo Sun 30-Aug-20 09:54:43

It sounds like you like the comfort and nice life but not really him
I don’t mean that harshly it can happen to us all but what about you as a couple ?
You seem bored and irritated and don’t share common interests or goals - seems both ways but he’s the one who has now voiced it
You gave 3 wats from here : 1)decide you both want the relationship to work because you live each other ( not because if house/ children: money etc) 2) decide to split and try to remain amicable 3) stay as you are which could lead to resentment/ affairs/ anger etc
You both need some honest words together

millymollymoomoo Sun 30-Aug-20 09:55:17

Have 3 ways !

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