Is it just me?? Or do others have this too..

[Alspac]

Hey! All new to this..but I want somewhere to vent and maybe see IF I am then only 1 who feels like this..or maybe get some answers from others who have maybe been through this or not.

I have been with my husband for 21years, married 13years.

So.. first up, he is and has been my 1 and only. I've known nothing else in relationships besides what we have shared together. Yes, we have been through the honeymoon phase, been through the dry spell and now.. back into a fairly active love life (so I thought.)

Not sure if this may be TMI for some.. but yes, as a young couple we had watched an occasion porn video/DVD. This was all before it became so accessible online🤦‍♀️ anyways.. through our ups and downs I will admit I closed off for a bit. But I'm talking years ago! And I felt like Stella and I got my groove back.. became even more adventurous than I 1st was! And really doing my best trying to accept the new things he wanted to try. We have always been more than vanilla in our relationship.

So anyways.. 1 night things changed a bit. I woke to the sounds of people having sex! And I realised it was his phone! I woke him and he near fell out of bed when he realised and trying to shut it off! This opened up a can of worms which I found out he had been openly watching porn alone to "do what he needed" alone. And from this we spoke about it and how i felt uncomfortable etc so he agreed no more. Then couple years ago we were on a family holiday and me (100% innocent in not knowing) asked him what Twitter was-as I noticed it on his fone as an app. I had asked previously buy he simply ignored me asking. So this time when I asked he simply said "you wont like it!" And he then clicked on it to show me..

He was following close to 300 pages/profiles/people that was nothing but PORN! I actually felt my heart break, my gut churn and I went numb. Our family holiday was killed right then in a split second. For the rest of the time we only spoke if we needed to.. there was just too much to take in and not the place to be doing it.

So once we were home, and he was at work.. we gradully opened up about how I felt about it, no exact reason/answer why he had it and so much of it. But also found out he had added people of snapchat for porn reasons also. And I said well to me that was 100% wrong as that was just too personal to do using snapchat!

So again we spoke about making changes, us maybe sharing in porn to help cover his "need" (if that's what u call it) and to bo longer hide shit from each other! This I felt brought us a little closer once again in our relationship.

But fast forward now to 2020.. I realise things these days are alot easier to access. He previously shut down his Twitter account (back of my head I know he could still access if he wanted) but to mention probably other sites aswell. But lately.. I have been picking up on things and I think it's all happening again. I noticed he still has someone named 'big boobs' in his snapchat and it isn't me! And then find 2 women on his Instagram account who are strangers. It got the best of me and I set up an account and added these 2 women.. within like 3 msgs of saying hello they were onto sending $/gift cards for nudes etc..so I deleted them instantly. He noticed me looking through my Instagram account the other night.. randomly started saying things about -he hardly uses it, doesn't know how to really use it and how he may get a random wanting to add him as a friend. So I went along with what he was saying and didn't comment much.. it was while talking to me he then deleted the 1 woman who came straight out talking about nudes to me from his insta account.

So to me.. that was something suss there! And now I just do not know where to go from here🤷‍♀️ I really want to front him and ask.. but I'm sick of coming across like the whingy naggy jealous wife. But same time.. I cant shake how I feel, and that why does he keep going back to this?
Are all males like this? Is it something we just have to accept? Something that wont change? Coz I dont know how long I can go on with trying to ignore it and feeling like I wont even be good enough or be what he wants/needs.