Turned into a jealous bitch

[Whatsthatname]

I’ve had an awful 18 months. Fiancé left me out of the blue pretty much, last Christmas. Just before that I’d had an early miscarriage and just after that I lost my job. I’ve since got a better job and on very good pay, but the loneliness is crushing. Obviously being alone in the house is horrible especially as me and ex fiancé lived here for his work mainly, we have no other connections here. I bought him out of the house as I had much more equity in it when we bought it. I’m now selling it but with nowhere to go to yet, still looking. I worry I’m older now (36 early next year) and don’t see a relationship happening with a future anymore.

Then there’s my sister. Met her fiancé at uni, three years younger than me, both have decent jobs, him especially, nice house, wedding planning, looking to move somewhere bigger for the future, and everything is going wonderfully well. She doesn’t have to worry about losing her job as he’d support her and vice versa. She doesn’t have to make big life decisions like moving houses on her own. She has someone there even life goes tits up like this year and she has someone to plan with and be excited about the future. She’s never had someone leave her or been hurt or had money worries or had to fend for herself and been lonely in the way you are in an empty house after being left by someone you thought you’d marry. She’s getting married in the church I was going to. I guess that’s normal but it’s hard.

I know I sound so jealous and I guess I am. I’m happy for her too of course, and that’s genuine, but I find it so hard to talk about all these things happening for her. I hate myself for this but it just triggers off a whole load of pain.

I’m really struggling with it and feel like a terrible person because I’m really being a jealous bitch aren’t I? I feel so broken about life and I cling on each day to carry on my work and friendships etc but it isn’t easy. and yes I’m very much in therapy.

It just feels like I’m doomed to have a lonely broken life while she has literally all the things she could want in life, without having lived any trauma.

Not sure what I’m asking really, just needed to write it down.

[audweb]

Comparison is the theft of joy.

Her life is her life. You’re not doomed to have a broken lonely life, it just feels that way just now. But you’ll get through it. It might look different from what you thought but it will be yours and it will be good.

And I say that as someone who has been through a divorce, plus also another relationship that has left me as a single mother. I’m the most content I’ve been in a long time, but it involved letting go of jealousy I felt towards other and focusing on my own life.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

I think this is a very normal human reaction that you're having.

I have really struggled with this myself, particularly around infertility. I spent a good 10 years feeling "Oh it's alright for you, you just shag one bloke and you're popping a child out" and being very very judgmental about people who have more than one child each.

I've also gone through the same thing about finances.

What's really helped is asking myself "What do I want, that this person has? What emotional needs does it fill?" and then asking myself what I can do to fill that need.

EG (very stupid comparison, but still) "I am really annoyed that my relative has a low stress job but has massive job security and a good salary even though I know she apparently puts in minimal effort" - I can transform that to "I really wish I had more money and didn't have to worry about it. How can I increase my earnings?" and then either working towards promotion, getting a second job, taking a qualification, etc.

[Whatsthatname]

I’ve never really been jealous at all in life. I just find it so hard to talk about all this stuff as it reminds me over and over of what I’ve lost and what doesn’t seem a reality for me anymore. I hate myself for it.

[Anna713]

Don't hate yourself. It's a perfectly normal human reaction. I have felt like this myself sometimes and I don't really know what the answer is other than to follow evenmorefurious's excellent advice. Things will get better for you in time. Good luck

[Whatsthatname]

I think it’s more that she’s had no trauma whatsoever, always had a stable relationship, never had to do a thing in life without him stood by her. It’s a whole different world to me and even before my ex fiancé I had years alone without that support. I feel drained now and have given up on the whole dating marriage thing. It just makes it hard to be around her sometimes and I hate myself for it

[DrDetriment]

I totally understand and what you are feeling is normal. No great advice I'm afraid, just to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

[goody2shooz]

Wow, you really have had a hard time of it. You’re quite entitled to grieve for the future you lost, and this jealousy is a part of that, but you will get over it in time. Can you try and reframe your life as now new and on the cusp of more and better? You lost your job, and got a better one. You’re selling your house and looking to find a new one, just for you. If you want help or a second opinion on buying one, or finances or whichever, can you find a friend or parent to give a hand? Otherwise cheer yourself on for your independence and capability. Life is full of compromises and at least you know you can cope after all these very traumatic experiences. Who knows what’s round the corner - one door closes and another one opens .....good luck 💐

[formerbabe]

No one has a perfect life..we all have good and bad times. Right now, your sister is going through a good time and you're going through a bad time.

[category12]

Maybe do some counselling?

[stayathomegardener]

Hey, totally normal reaction to your sisters life, right now it must be like a mirror being held up to show you what could have been.
You've been through a very tough time and need to be kind to yourself.

[Whatsthatname]

I just feel like I’m failing at everything, I’m not being there for my sister like I would if I was feeling better. She doesn’t go on about stuff either she’s quite low key but I know her and my parents pity me and what’s happened which I also find difficult to accept. I like a lot of time alone these days as sometimes I feel so fragile I can’t deal with interaction. I’m ok. But this kind of thing is hard to engage with.

Thanks for the nice replies to my post. Things feel quite hard today.

[goody2shooz]

If the situation was reversed, you’d feel desperately sad for your sister, She and your family aren’t feeling ‘pity’ for you - they’re grieving for your sorrow, I’m sure they’re really upset for you, and knowing they cannot help you really is very frustrating too. It’s a very sad situation and you’ll have awful days and slightly better days, but it will get better.

[EnoughAlready2020]

Your family won't be feeling pity for you, they'll want you to be happy and have a life full of joy. This is what we want for our loved ones. I know it's hard now, but when my cousin split up with her partner she was full of grief about so much of what she had planned for her future "coupled" life including her ability to buy a house etc. I told her to not think about the future and deal with the grief of ending her relationship and to take each day as it comes. That was only a few weeks ago and she's now buying a home on her own!

What I mean is, you never know what the future will hold. Good or bad. Try to find joy for your sister too - it will make you feel better I promise. Sending you love. This hard time will pass x

[Whatsthatname]

Thank you so much

[MadCatLady71]

Things go in cycles - you are having an awful time right now, and it’s taking all your strength and resilience to get through every day. But it won’t always be like this. There will be more good times and happiness in the future.

Nobody gets through life without some dark periods. Even the people who seem happiest or luckiest will face their own challenges at some point. Just take each day at a time and be kind to yourself. And give yourself a bit of credit: you feel fragile but you’re not broken, you’re still standing, still coping with what life has thrown at you.

[GreenRoadSigns]

I sympathize. Jealousy can land in your head like the weather.
A few years ago I found myself experiencing terrible, overwhelming jealousy of a friend's good fortune, which she had worked for and deserved. I knew I had to ensure it didn't affect my behaviour but it was so so hard. I remember finding the most soothing picture I could find - it had lots of green in it! - to use as my computer wallpaper even.
The way the dice had fallen meant that she had what I could no longer have - not her fault or mine. I hated that I felt that way.

Time passed, things changed, the situation changed and the feeling went.

All I can say is do what you can (deep breaths? Spilling out your feelings to a diary which you then burn?) to keep your behaviour at least ok, and wait it out. The body rarely holds onto overwhelming feelings for very long.