NC for this. I have posted before a few months back... wanted to get everything down in one go and hopefully not drip feed. I'm not sure whether I am after advice, or just writing my thoughts down to process them.
Met my DW initially as friends and then in an on/off relationship before we both were in the same city and were together for quite a while before marrying. Been married 4 years and now pushing into late 30s. For a lot of this time we had similar aspirations (careers and house etc) - we are both ambitious and hard working and work long hours in demanding jobs. So she has been my only real relationship.
There are lots we have in common, and generally we are good for each other. But we are both quite stubborn I guess - and I freely admit that she is the dominant one in the relationship. Its never been rip your clothes off romantic passion - but caring, supportive etc. Around 6 years ago the pressures of life started to build - buying houses, jobs, family bereavements and family members with long illnesses. We had some setbacks but we fought through...we both are pretty resilient. She devoted a lot of time towards supporting her family which went on over many years and I spent my time trying to be as supportive as possible. When she was away I would work hard to ensure everything around the house was done so that her life was as stress free as possible. She had to deal with some bereavements and work pressures.. she left work for a while but a couple of years ago that was put behind us. We were now mid thirties..I wanted to start a family but by this point we were already in a sexless marriage due to all the stressors described above.
Since then I have grown to hate/fear sex. The pressure to conceive when it was so infrequent (once or twice a year) and maybe a subconscious feeling that something wasn't there emotionally. None of initiated and its now been like that for 3-4 years. I guess we have had sex less than five times during that time.
For a number of years deep down I have known something wasn't right but I was enjoying our life. However over the past 18 months my mental health deteriorated and I got help. I came to the realisation that I wont have children.... and it made me upset. We'd never really had the "kid" chat .. in fact we never really discuss our relationship. We are both introverted in that aspect. I have tried so hard to start communications... I explained that being in a housemate marriage wasn't working for me. She said it was normal, but she thought having a bit more sex would be good. She
There was another element to it as well - as I said, she is the dominant in the relationship and as I have grown older I've realised that I want a more equal partnership. With the help of therapy etc, I have been working on my assertiveness and addressing issues. Over the past 10 months I have tried to talk through a lot of what I feel is wrong in the relationship and also say to my wife when I don't like how she treats me. She is often critical of me - for example when I say I felt like I was doing more of the household chores she would say that it was my fault as I was too slow and that she would have done it quicker. Sometimes I ask her to apologise when she turns out to be wrong and she just says 'never'. Since trying to be more assertive, she says that I'm now rude and she doesn't think the change is positive. She has admitted in the past that she has anger issues and said
I've suggested couples counselling which was agreed verbally but she never asked again. I'm not sure how much help it will be so after lining up a few people I thought I could work with, I left it. A couple of months ago I stopped trying to initiate heart to hearts with her and not a word has been said since regarding the state of our relationship. She withdrew and there have been periods where she just wont talk to me. In the past few days that's waned and she has become a bit warmer. I freely admit (and I am sure I will get roasted) but I have withdrawn affection since the beginning of the year... she knows that but has never asked me why. I cant force it ... its what I am feeling.
She is more dedicated to her work than ever. She has started to work 15 hour days if not longer. I tell her its unsustainable, that surely everyone else at work isn't doing those hours. (She has always worked long hours, but not like this). I've asked her to work less, she doesn't want to. I have been doing pretty much everything around the house when she has been working like this. I love my job....and there have been the odd days where I do 15 hour days but for her its constant. And in 2 months there will be another period of the same again.
So we have no kids, financially we are doing very well. With a bit of reshuffling we could both continue to live the same lifestyle. But I can't bring myself to say I see no future in the relationship. And that's made me second guess myself that I would be making a wrong decision and I will regret it for the rest of my life. For the past 9 months I haven't slept, I've broken down mentally and now I am having some physical issues. Lockdown hasn't helped - I struggle with change and for the first few weeks I felt my world crumbling. In tears, my wife would just tell me to get on with it and that everyone else was in the same boat. I just don't know where to turn. She seems relatively unaffected....
I'm not even sure couples counselling will work - in my head I've come up with a concept of giving myself 30 days to start laying my full hand on the table. I told her I want to start a family, but I've never been sure she does. Since our heart to hearts she has been adamant that she has wanted kids all this time and that I've now denied her the chance. I have 14 nieces and nephews and get on great with them all. She told me that I would be an awful Dad. Friends have said that I only want to couples counselling to prove to the world I had tried everything.
So yea... any words of advice I guess or just thoughts or observations.
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Why I am finding it hard to leave...
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DrosophilaM · 29/08/2020 08:51
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