Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Wobble head please, I don't know who I'm angry at, feeling maddened(15 Posts)
I can't sleep, in hospital with DD yesterday, it was my neice's funeral today and I am due on, today is not a good day.
Long story of DV with ex, coercive control and emotional abuse, 2 kids consensually, 1 from rape, now aged 14, 11 and 7. We had SS involved until January 2020 as a result of presence of ex in family home. He failed a psychiatrist risk assessment and as such i have denied unsupervised access as recommended by the Psychiatrist since July 2019. The psychologist report however, said that it was important to the DC mental health to have contact. SS were keen to facilitate contact but ex didn't pay for supervision, stating that he couldn't afford it.
DD14 is aware that her dad raped me from paperwork left behind by professionals. When I found out about it I told her not to feel that she had to choose sides and to judge her dad only on his parenting. That was hard.
I arranged for his brother to pay for contact at Christmas and this was the only time he has seen them since July 2019. I currently have a non mol which runs out next month. We haven't had contact in that time.
About 6 weeks ago DD14 expressed a desire to see her dad. SS were OK with this on the proviso that she was able to identify his manipulative coercion. We discussed this in detail and she assured me that she would walk away and come home, always have her phone fully charged and check in with me regularly. So I let her go.
It started off once a week and quickly escalated to now every day. He has started paying money in to my account, which he has never done even during our 12yr relationship, it is enough to cover supervised contact weekly with all 3 children. My younger 2 are pressuring me to see their dad with DD14, but I do not feel that she is old enough to be responsible for others against her dad. I explain to them that dad needs to organise supervision.
I feel like I am crazy. I am so angry. Angry at him for being free of all responsibility throughout the last year, but now he is suddenly super fucking dad, who they all want to see, but who won't pay to do so (because it is easier to pay the money to me, to make me owe him). Angry at DD14 (I know that this is wrong) for having no fucking loyalty to me, knowing what he did and what we have all been through because of him. Angry at myself because I can feel it working on my brain. I can feel myself wanting to withdraw under a rock, give up. And angry at covid because a 56 year old diabetic male abuser and rapist is surely an easy target.
I want to stand in the middle of nowhere and scream my head off. Thank you for listening. Sorry.
I'm sorry op, didn't want to read and run
Did you report the raffle, would you felt able to do so now?
And yeah, covid should target better xx
I haven't reported the money, because it will be considered reasonable that he pays maintenance, although he never has.
Crap I'm so sorry, awful time to typo. Did you report the rape
Rape, yes I reported but I didn't want to prosecute because of the kids ( I didn't want my youngest to know). I looked in to pressing charges again last year but the police lady was pretty honest with me about success rates and how it would impact me if he wasn't found guilty.
there is contemporaneous evidence in my medical and maternity notes, involvement with counsellors etc, but it was still 50 50.
I couldn't risk it. It would have broken me to lose more to him.
Ah that's shit, I'm sorry chicken.
Fwiw I think you're right about not letting the 14 yo supervise the two littler ones around him, it's too much on her regardless of what she thinks.
Do they talk to him other ways? I guess just keep batting it back at him. You can see Daddy when he organises supervision, he had to do it" on repeat so they can about him instead?
yeah he calls them 3 times a day every day. I feel so much like a wet lettuce repeatedly saying it and he knows it will bug me that its unfair on the other 2 not to see them.
He used to do this every Christmas. I would buy and wrap all of the presents, then the weekend before he would buy one kid tons of stuff, so i had to even it up under pressure.
He knows I hate unfairness.
What he is doing right now, and I think you probably know, is drawing them in. He will let them down, and once again disappear, but right now it suits him to be good dad...
Please do not be mad at your daughter, mostly because she is just a kid and it's not fair to put the pressure of loyalty on her. I am sure you are not outwardly doing this, but remember that you did want her to judge him solely on his parenting...
It will hurt. But you have to be strong and know that when all else fails (because it will) YOU will be there to pick up the pieces. Be strong and know that your kids want to see him, and get to know him because they KNOW they have YOU to fall back on.
Yes I don't usually feel angry at DD. She has been through so much and was the worst affected by the abuse, to the extent that she didn't speak to him at all for over a year and was self harming in that time. So it was a relief when she got past that.
He has always involved her in his games, telling her on her birthday at 8 that he was dying of cancer and just wanted to be a good dad, but I wouldn't let him (I had a non mol then too). She is diabetic as is he and she has seen him do things that no child should witness when hehad lows (he urinated on them whilst they cowered under a table).
Incidentally he did get cancer 2 years later, but was fully cured, but that's how he got back in that time.
I think that I am going to limit contact to once a week, to minimise the impact on the other 2. I feel that it is currently too much. Tonight she went pokemon hunting with DS11 and they happened to bump in to dad. Ex has arranged to take him for a haircut tomorrow with DD14, but if I allow that, what about DD7 who is heartbroken.
My head hurts so much with all of this.
I can see why you're angry, OP. Vent away!
He is playing the doting dad and the kids are lapping it up in spite of all you've been through. I'd be very angry, resentful and upset too.
Totally understandable to be feeling angry, but I suspect your anger is really for him and maybe yourself for "letting" the kids gets sucked in.
Be kind to yourself, this isn't an easy journey! Your kids know you have their backs...
Are your dc getting any support in terms of counselling?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and have been through so much.
Thank you all for being so kind to me.
I had unblocked him to let him know DD was in hospital, so I am going to message him and tell him that he needs to stop paying me money if it could be better used to pay for supervision. He doesn't work, hasn't since 2010. I don't need 70 squid a week off of him, but his children do want and need to see him and I think that money is better spent on this, helping their mental health.
I am going to tell him that I am now re-blocking him, because I do not want him believing that there is any way back in, after what he has put us through.
I am going to tell him that he can see DD14 once a week and that it is not fair to the others to rub it in their faces by doing more than this. If he doesn't like it he can take me to court and let a judge decide.
I did ask for family therapy when SS were involved, the psychologist report recommended it. But instead they referred DD14 solely to CAHMS a second time (she withdrew the first time) and she refused to go, saying that changing her perspective wasn't going to change the facts of the situation.
We weren't offered any other support and the NHS refused to allow me any more therapy, despite letters from my psychotherapist. We were pretty much abandoned.
Thank you again x
I have just told DD about the once a week and now she won't talk to me. I am evil.
Please login first.