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Do you think that you can be single for so long, you stop being able to have a relationship?

(22 Posts)
DollyMixtureLulus Fri 28-Aug-20 19:18:11

I'm 30 soon and I've never had a relationship or gone past a few dates. It's mostly ok but sometimes I get very down. I'd love to know what it's like but I don't think I'll be dating for a while so maybe it is unlikely to ever happen.

I just can't imagine sharing my life with someone. I can't imagine sharing a bed or even having to do the grocery shop with another person's needs in mind.

OP’s posts: |
Smallsteps88 Fri 28-Aug-20 19:22:27

Oh I really hope not. sad I’ve been single for 10 years and I’ve only had two proper relationships. Both dysfunctional and abusive. Both with the same man.

I do worry that I’ll never be able to have a decent relationship.

Elieza Fri 28-Aug-20 19:41:53

I’ve had my share of long term relationships but now I’m on my own I relish being able to step out in my bed, to roll over to the cool side.
To not have a great beached whale stealing my covers and farting and grunting in its sleep.

I enjoy doing what I like. Watching the programmes I want. Cooking what I like. Going out when it suits me. Not having to do dishes immediately if I want to relax a while.

Yeah, any relationship I have in the future will be in my terms now. If anyone would want me!

I’m too old to settle or put up with a bunch of shite from anyone.

Although I’d like to date someone a couple of times in the week for companionship and to do something different for a while. I would like to be in love again. But don’t know if I’m too jaded.

dramaqueenforlife Fri 28-Aug-20 19:48:00

@DollyMixtureLulus am following this. I’m on my 40s and never been in a relationship. I’m a one date wonder. Men just don’t seem to want to know after that. I don’t think I’m ever meant to be in a relationship. I’ve only had one man stay over once in my life and that was a one night stand with a friend. I have no idea what it is like to share any aspect of life with a man so I totally get where you are coming from. Sorry I know that’s not advice but just know you are not the only one.

YouReallyAre Fri 28-Aug-20 19:51:10

I've been a single parent for 7 years and although I have dated during this time, I haven't had any serious relationships.

I do know that I don't want to live with anyone again because I have my own house and am quite happy in it with dd.

I am currently dating someone and he also has his own house and has no desire to leave it either which helps.

I do think that it's easy to get stuck in your own ways but it's also possible to meet someone with similar views and staying over a couple of times a week is ideal.

Lua Fri 28-Aug-20 19:58:16

It must get harder to accomodate someone else, when you are settled on your ways. But many modern relationships do not require sharing a house.

I think the issue is whether you are still going out and meeting people. If you are just content about being by yourself all the time, it is unlikely it will happen. Not that there is anything wrong with enjoying being on your own. smile

DollyMixtureLulus Fri 28-Aug-20 20:08:44

I am content being on my own, but I would also really like to have a relationship one day. I don't particularly want to date with covid about either.

It's really hard. I would love to have my own children more than anything.

OP’s posts: |
WobblyLondoner Fri 28-Aug-20 21:11:45

No I don't - in answer to your original question.

I had a few half hearted and very short 'relationships' in my 20s and 30s, culminating in joining a dating agency (pre-internet, just..) in my mid 30s. Had numerous dates, didn't click with anyone, and did feel that maybe that was just how it was going to be and that worse things could happen. Which is of course true.

I was introduced to a guy through a friend and went on a few dates even though I was sure we'd have nothing in common (largely based on me being snobby about the fact he had a manual job whereas I was in quite a high powered academic role). He was in a similar position to me (ie not having had much luck meeting the right person). We clicked, had a baby, got married yadda yadda and are still together some 16 years on. I am still a bit bemused by how quickly both of us adapted to one another despite decades of living alone.

So please don't think that being alone for a long period means it can't happen. If both of us managed it then anyone can.

My only reflection looking back, for what it's worth, is to be open to different people and not have so many fixed views about what matters in a potential partner. But be clear about your own worth and what you won't compromise on. All easy to say I know. Stay strong all of you.

updownroundandround Fri 28-Aug-20 21:32:02

No, you are just as capable of having a relationship as everyone else.

It doesn't matter that you've only had short relationships so far. I put it down to either you have excellent bullshit detecting skills or excellent boundaries i.e you know what you want and more importantly, what you don't want, and aren't afraid to say so. grin

As you can tell by many of the posts on MN, lots of people who have been 'successful' in having long term partners, still have their relationships fail/ falter.

And if you read too many of them, you may well decide that you're actually better off grin

DollyMixtureLulus Fri 28-Aug-20 21:37:23

It doesn't matter that you've only had short relationships so far.
Even if I haven't had anything resembling a relationship?

OP’s posts: |
DDIJ Fri 28-Aug-20 21:37:30

I've come to the conclusion that I have nothing to talk about. I have no conversation. I wouldn't get past a first date even if I could get as far as a first date. I've nothing to offer anyone. I've never even been out with a man.

Eesha Sat 29-Aug-20 05:27:42

@DollyMixtureLulus my best friend was similar to you in that she never had any long term relationships but met someone with a similar background when she turned 40. It worked and it was a learning curve for me to adapt to someone new but they are happy. What she did do was throw herself into dating, going out a lot, maybe 3 online dates a week. She was out there, making an effort but not in desperation, just trying to get what she wanted. I have other friends who make no effort, very set in their ways, and it's no wonder they haven't met anyone. If you want this, go find it.

Eesha Sat 29-Aug-20 05:31:25

@DDIJ we all have anxieties but you need to look at yourself and being happy in yourself first and foremost. Are you confident and proud? You need to believe in yourself. You are not defined by what you can offer to a man.

Gingerkittykat Sat 29-Aug-20 06:10:56

Have you got any plans for how you would meet a man? As long as you are not actively trying then there is no chance it can happen. I've no idea what the online dating scene is like but maybe there are other people who can tell you reputable sites.

I don't think anyone should feel pressured into having a relationship if they are happier being single but I don't think that is the case with you.

DollyMixtureLulus Sat 29-Aug-20 06:13:28

I was using Bumble before covid, but this year has obviously put a halt to that.

OP’s posts: |
Eesha Sat 29-Aug-20 06:16:07

@DollyMixtureLulus people are still internet dating and having socially distanced dates now. If anything, I think it's made people more inclined to meet others as they didn't like being lonely.

PerditaProvokesEnmity Sat 29-Aug-20 06:31:56

DDIJ

I've come to the conclusion that I have nothing to talk about. I have no conversation. I wouldn't get past a first date even if I could get as far as a first date. I've nothing to offer anyone. I've never even been out with a man.

Where to begin with this?

Anyone reading what you say would be sad that you feel this way about yourself, DDIJ - but beyond that, whatever do you think other people have as conversational material?

Presumably you're an adult?

So you had a childhood? Good or bad, there are surely some memories you'd be willing to share.

And you're on the Internet? How did you come by the device? Earnings from work? Gift? Library? Internet cafe? Each of these options is an opening for casual or deeper conversation.

Where do you live? What do you like about the place? What's your ideal area?

What's your favourite thing to do when you're not on MN? I'm willing to bet you could chat about whatever it is for half an hour. And respond when the other person talks about what interests them ...

Unless what you're really saying is you don't like conversation and don't want to engage in it at all?

sunsalutations Sat 29-Aug-20 06:47:49

It does sound like you're not very motivated to find a relationship. For some people, it just happens, which is luck, I think. For others, like me, I had to put serious effort into finding a partner and to not have a big list of 'must haves'. I've been married 20 years now, but spent most of my 20s single. I had to make a very conscious decision to do something about it.

RichardMarxisinnocent Sat 29-Aug-20 06:58:49

I was in my 40s when i began my first relationship, prior to that I had been on 3 dates in my entire life. The relationship is still going strong nearly 4 years later. We don't live together, but do spend nights at each other's homes, share a bed, go on holiday and days out together and give each other help and support.

Having never lived with a man I don't know if I would be any good at it or even enjoy it after so long alone, but it's not an issue at the moment as we are very happy with things as we are. Not all relationships require living together.

pollylocketpickedapocket Sat 29-Aug-20 07:33:28

Hi I'm 41, today actually! I've never had a serious or long term relationship either.
I'm pretty fucked up though, confidence growing up was zero and I honestly believed if a guy was interested in me he had something wrong with him.
When I was 36 I had ivf and have an absolutely beautiful daughter now.
I'm doing my best not to be like my own parents and to make sure she feels good about herself and gets a decent life.
Funnily enough I'm so much happier in my own skin now but I don't want a relationship anymore at least not till she is much older.
I wouldn't let the lack of a man stop you pursuing motherhood.

j712adrian Sat 29-Aug-20 09:00:32

Definitely, but then I’m older. If someone comes to see me (sentimentally or not) it’s always a marvellous moment when they leave!

donaldducky Sat 29-Aug-20 09:12:32

OP - I think if you were to meet someone and take it slowly things like a partner staying the night might feel like a natural progression.

I am in my 50s and for various reasons I've only had a couple of relationships and several situationships.

I often see in threads that not having had a serious relationship can be a red flag when dating someone. It doesn't necessarily mean someone is weird. It can be because of all sorts of reasons.

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