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Questioning my sexuality in my 40s

(20 Posts)
PotatoCakeSurprise Fri 28-Aug-20 19:05:42

I wonder if anyone else can relate?

I've been happily married to DH for nearly 29 years. We have a healthy sex life, with the usual struggles of tiredness/stress/parenting fairly young children.

In the past year or so I've noticed a bit of a shift in my thinking around fantasies etc towards other women. I still fancy my husband and am content in the relationship. But I think if I wasn't with my husband, I would probably seek out sexual experiences/relationships with women.

Is anyone else in a similar situation?

OP’s posts: |
PotatoCakeSurprise Fri 28-Aug-20 19:06:57

Oops, we've been married 20 years not 29!! blush

OP’s posts: |
iamaMused Fri 28-Aug-20 19:19:34

Yes, I am, when my DP and I are DTD I never fantasise about him or other men it is always other women and I've realised that if we ever split up I don't think I would be with a male again, I'm sure I would be with another woman. I love my DP and would never be unfaithful to him but as I've gotten older I do feel that my sexual preference has changed.

PotatoCakeSurprise Fri 28-Aug-20 20:38:26

Thank you for responding @iamaMused. Sounds very similar to how I've been feeling.

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MulticolourMophead Fri 28-Aug-20 20:58:10

I started to review my sexuality in my late 30s and realised I was likely bisexual. I never told my ex, because I knew damn well he'd try to use my new-found knowledge to try and push me into having threesomes for his own gratification (not mine) because he'd talked about threesomes a few times, clearly sounding me out.

I left him in my late 40s, and haven't dated yet (now 52) but I think I'll dip a toe in the water next year, and won't be restricting myself to men.

I believe a lot of people find their sexuality can change over time, it all seems quite fluid to me.

PotatoCakeSurprise Fri 28-Aug-20 21:03:11

Interesting @MulticolourMophead. Thank you for sharing.

I wonder if I just assumed I was heterosexual because that's how I was socialised. Or whether this is "new" as I get older.

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natnev Fri 28-Aug-20 21:26:27

Hi OP. I'm not directly in the same position (I have been openly bisexual from a very young age) but my sexuality has changed fluidly throughout my life. My fantasies are always about other women, and they're the only ones I look at and admire when people watching. If my (male) partner and I split up I would very likely never date men again, at least that's how I feel right now. It's very normal to be curious about things you haven't tried, or maybe have tried and would like to again. Would your hubby be open to any experimentation when it's safe to do so maybe? So you could explore your curiosity?

Standrewsschool Fri 28-Aug-20 21:39:38

I assume you must be in you forties if you have been married for 20-29 years. I’m a similar age and the default route in life was date a man, marriage, kids (in that order). Being gay wasn’t really an option that it is today. It’s actually not that unusual for people to come out in later life.

MilktheMilk Fri 28-Aug-20 21:44:54

Not me, but my sister who is in her late 30s. She has consistently dated men since her teens (including some long term relationships of 6+ years) but has recently announced that she met a woman earlier this year who she instantly clicked with, they're in love and are moving in together next month. She says she's always been mildly curious about sex with a woman, but never thought to take it any further until her last relationship ended. She says she can't imagine ever being with a man again now. She says her attraction to the men in the past was genuine, just over time her interests have changed.

Toughtips Fri 28-Aug-20 21:48:07

Hell yes. I'm in my almost 30s. I'm also married feel like I'm in a bubble. I'm either bi or pan have no idea but I know full well I'd never be after another man if we seperated.

Crustacean7 Fri 28-Aug-20 21:52:51

@MilktheMilk A similar thing happened to me. I had always dated men, including long term relationships. Then met a woman I just clicked with and fell head over heels. I was in denial for the first 3 years of our friendship, but as the friendship got more intense I couldn't deny my feelings any longer and really began to wonder whether she might feel the same. So I ended up telling her. She totally freaked out and we've hardly spoken since confused

MulticolourMophead Fri 28-Aug-20 21:59:36

I would date a man again, I would still like sex with a man, but I also want to meet women, so I'm just not ruling anything out now.

DD has been talking to me recently, seems she's already worked out she's bi, good for her in knowing this now. She's not bound by the conventions mentioned earlier, of dating, marriage, DC.

PotatoCakeSurprise Sat 29-Aug-20 07:48:07

Thanks for responses. Really reassuring to hear similar experiences.

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K1w123 Sun 30-Aug-20 11:20:22

I went through a stage of dating women when I was in my 20s.
Then started dating men and realised I wanted kids and didn’t think of going back to women.

Now I have 2 kids, get along ok with my partner but no fireworks - and this year I fell in love with my female friend but she’s married. She returned the feelings somewhat but as we’re both partnered there was no chance of it going anywhere.
It’s hard as I would really rather be with a woman now.

@Crustacean7 that sounds like a tough experience - I’m sorry you lost your friendship

myrtlehuckingfuge Sun 30-Aug-20 11:26:20

I don't think that it is unusual for people's sexuality to change with age at all, especially women. Seen friends settle in same sex relationships after hetero divorces a few times. I personally am hoping for a future in which it isn't necessary to put labels on everything.

Crustacean7 Sun 30-Aug-20 12:01:38

@K1w123 Thank you. It was a really tough and confusing time.

wigglerose Sun 30-Aug-20 16:41:24

I'm probably bi but never acted on it. I'm married now so not going to. I think if (god forbid) DH died I'd try dating women.

GreyishDays Sun 30-Aug-20 16:43:50


I assume you must be in you forties if you have been married for 20-29 years. I’m a similar age and the default route in life was date a man, marriage, kids (in that order). Being gay wasn’t really an option that it is today. It’s actually not that unusual for people to come out in later life.

In the title she does say she’s in her 40s. smile

OldWomanSaysThis Sun 30-Aug-20 16:51:57

I started out with women, went over to men late 20s, got knocked up at 30 (and single), and have been celibate on both sides since then. Now, post-menopause, if I date again, i will go back to women. I'm grateful I can swing either way. It seems like a relationship with a same-aged woman at this stage of my life would be good. Being single is good, too.

I tried using Match several years ago and there was no option for "women seeking either" - you had to pick men or women. That was irritating.

Standrewsschool Sun 30-Aug-20 16:52:07

Oops, can’t read!

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