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Ideas on how to empower this woman

(15 Posts)
OunceOfFlounce Fri 28-Aug-20 18:45:35

Someone very close to me is 20 years into an abusive marriage. She lives in New York and I'm in the UK. We can talk over Whatsapp once in a while because she can delete the messages. I don't think she's allowed to answer my calls and I can't post anything to her, not even birthday or Christmas presents.

I'd really like to be able to get some money to her and even, in my wildest dreams, a phone.

Do you think the only way I could do this is visiting in person?

OP’s posts: |
JeffreyJefferson Fri 28-Aug-20 18:50:47

sad that’s so sad. i would go see her if it’s safe

buildingbridge Fri 28-Aug-20 18:52:18

This is so sad. This is now way to live. Please go and see her.

BadgertheBodger Fri 28-Aug-20 18:53:03

Could you send anything to someone else for her to collect when she can?

LupinsNotLilys Fri 28-Aug-20 19:00:04

Does she want help op? Does she want to leave? Do you know anyone she knows there? Her employer? A neighbour?

Justcallmebebes Fri 28-Aug-20 19:05:46

If you can't physically get to her then you could send money via Western Union as long as you can WhatsApp her. Can she use a po box address to receive mail?

Justcallmebebes Fri 28-Aug-20 19:07:05

Can you contact a local to her support group/refuge and see if they can make contact with her?

LupinsNotLilys Fri 28-Aug-20 19:11:28

I think a phone is a bad idea.

I'm single but if I found a secret phone from my fella I'd not be happy. If her partner found a secret phone she could be in danger

OunceOfFlounce Fri 28-Aug-20 19:26:34

Thanks for your replies, I wasn't sure if anyone would respond.

Perhaps I should go and see her. I haven't been over in a while because of money and just...it's a lot to deal with. I think that in an attempt to isolate her, he will often say I'm being horrible to him so she will apologise, tell me she knows it's bullshit but could I just make a bigger fuss of him etc. Maybe I should go before a second wave of covid.

She's generally quite isolated there and now works from home so I can't reach out to a colleague or use a work address. I did think one good thing about this is that it might be easier to hide stuff like a phone, in the downstairs work area, but perhaps its too risky Lupin, thank you.

I'll look into western union, thanks. I have looked into arranging a po box from London but the website kept loading when I put her zipcode in. I'll look again.

And also, I never thought of contacting the support group myself.

Lots to go on, thanks everyone. It's nice not to have to just keep all this in my head.

OP’s posts: |
LupinsNotLilys Fri 28-Aug-20 20:27:56

Good look op, hope you can help her somehow

OunceOfFlounce Fri 28-Aug-20 21:00:41

Thanks Lupins. I'm not sure she's ready to leave yet. She's mentioned it recently but I think just because lockdown really took a toll. I do hope I can find a way to make it seem like a possibility.

OP’s posts: |
cakeandchampagne Fri 28-Aug-20 21:37:43

Is she able to get out and go places sometimes without him?
Are there children in the home?

SonEtLumiere Fri 28-Aug-20 21:44:57

Is she a US or a UK citizen? If she just got a flight, what would happen.

OunceOfFlounce Fri 28-Aug-20 22:04:13

She's a uk citizen and they do have children.

I don't know if someone can take kids abroad without their partner's consent but sometimes I do dream of that happening. (I hope to buy a house in 3-4 years and will never let him get the address).

I also think this would seem too drastic to her. She says they're the only reason she stays - to protect them from upheaval and a bitter divorce, because he might turn them against her...

OP’s posts: |
OunceOfFlounce Fri 28-Aug-20 22:06:34

Sorry, yes she can get out without him sometimes. She can take the kids to the park on weekends and I think she might have to do the shopping on her own and lug it all back on foot (he drives, she doesn't).

OP’s posts: |

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