Porn addiction and control.

[Notthelastjedi]

Hi, I've name changed and I'll try and keep this short.
Been married 25 years, 3 adult children, 1 left home, 2 still at home.

Husband has throughout our marriage been watching a lot of porn, most days and I've been an after thought.
I've asked so many times for him to stop and he might for a few days but then it starts again. He now says it's an addiction and he feels the need to look at it all the time.

So I've always felt second best to this. Add to this that I'm not encouraged to have male friends...well any friends really,I have been given the silent treatment if I get chatting to other men, I joined a running group but was persuaded to give it up as there were men going.
I also have unspoken lists of approved people to talk to and clothes to wear. If I go outside of those things I get the silent treatment or sad face sighing for days.

There are other things but they all alone seem like not much.
So I've decided I've had enough and I've said this is not the life I want anymore, can't afford to split properly at the moment so we are still in the same house and I'm getting tears and sad faces from him because I want a better life for myself.

The 2 children that live at home have no idea about the porn addiction and are both blaming his unhappiness on me.

So am I doing the right thing?
Do I make the best life I can for myself and be happy knowing everyone else isn't or do I try again so everyone else is happy.
My 3rd child doesn't care either way he just wants me to be happy.

[sorrymrjackson]

100% you're doing the right thing, get out and run as fast as you can, I was in a relationship like this and it destroys you. I'm normally a happy very confident person and he ruined me with his actions.

I left I haven't looked back and I'm the happiest I've ever been and more importantly I have my confidence back and more importantly I love myself enough to know I ain't settling for that shit anymore from anyone

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Leave. No question. And find a child friendly way to deflect the blame from you. And a decent solicitor.

Honestly the porn alone would be a deal breaker. Occasionally sure, but every day? I dont know if you know what he looks at but I guarantee its quite extreme by now.

Amd his controlling behaviour is hypocrisy of the highest order. He needs a very sharp talking to from you & you need a very good solicitor. Tears & sad faces indeed. How fucking pathetic.

[Notthelastjedi]

I'm sorry to hear that you were in a similar relationship.
I have now slowly started to make a bit of a life for myself, I'm in my own bedroom and it's lovely. I go out and see a few friends and wear what I like.
It's just such a shame the kids are blaming me for his sadness even though it's of his own making however I can't tell them that so I guess I'll continue to be blamed for it.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

And you being such a manipulative prick you will tell your children the truth. How dare he turn them against you like that. He is not going to make this easy for you.

Join that running club again too. Now. He doesnt get to fucking tell you what to do.

[TheSeedsOfADream]

He's not an addict. He's an abusive twat. Run for those hills lovely.

[Notthelastjedi]

Our children are both in their early twenties so not small anymore

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Sorry I meant tell that manipulative prick that if he doesnt stop turning the children against you that you will tell them the truth.

In the meantime "I havent wanted to tell you but daddy hasnt liked me for a long time & hes made me feel very unhappy. He hasnt let me have friends & Ive been very very sad for a long time. Im leaving because I dont want to feel bad all of the time. I know hes sad now too but if someone has been mean to you for a long time you dont want to be with them any more. We both love you very much & I will make sure that you spend plenty of time with him. But we are not happy together & we will be much better mummies & daddies if we are apart."

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Oh fuck. Haha. Tell them. The truth.

[FippertyGibbett]

I’d tell them once your living separately.
Not fair on you to take the flack when it’s his fault.

[PasstheBucket89]

Tbh at that age you could perhaps slightly edited, tell them the truth. my parents are divorced, my dad cheated on my mum a lot, i was told in my teens.

[Notthelastjedi]

Honestly don't know when we will be able to live in separate places.
I'm making plans to be able to do so but it's going to take time.
I was hoping we could live like housemates for a bit.
All I know is its come as a huge shock to him, he said today he never thought it would come to how we are now.

[sorrymrjackson]

I also want to come back and say please don't feel you can live like housemates, you really really can't because he will always have that element of control. I thought that and it ended in the worse possible way for me, an abuser when they feel they are losing control will up their control until they eventually lose control, if that makes sense.

Has hard as it is your kids are old enough to heat the truth, I've always been honest with my children and told them everything that's happened, it's hard but at that age it's also kinda up to them who they believe, but you need not feel any shame at all and always carry your head high knowing that you've been honest. Please find the strength to look after yourself and do the right thing for you.

[Anothernick]

You should certainly tell your children the truth, the younger generation can be surprisingly censorious and I think they would be very shocked to learn that your DH has effectively dumped you in favour of porn. Also that he tries to control your social life, our two, in their twenties, have steady partners but the idea that they should be prevented from having other friends of the opposite sex or that their partner should control their social live would be anathema to them.

[Suzi888]

They are old enough to be told the truth. I also think living as housemates is a good option at the moment.

[BubblyBarbara]

Since they’re grown mature adults just tell them the truth

[SoulofanAggron]

I also have unspoken lists of approved people to talk to and clothes to wear.

Nooooo. You're doing the right thing by getting rid of them.

The kids will adjust to it, and as they're in their 20s it's not really their business anyway, they're not children to whine about it. Your life is yours now- time for you to do you. x

If any of these adults (not children) get really arsey about it then tell them about his porn obsession and all the other ways he abused/controlled you.

[Notthelastjedi]

Thanks for all your comments, when you are on the inside it's sometimes hard to see how bad it is.

[Fuckityfucksake]

Well done for putting yourself first. Small steps in the right direction.
Fuck his sad faces!
Agree with someone upthread, I'd have a word with him and say if he doesn't co operate with you in what you tell your dc - such as we don't get on anymore so have both decided it's best to separate or whatever then you'll tell them the truth. They are adults and while it probably won't be pleasant to hear it, they'll handle it. It's unfair they blame you and disgusting that their father is allowing them to.

Start enjoying your life and mix with who you want to, your H insecurities and realisation that he's a fucking joke of a husband have kept you away from living your life. It's not his business if men are present.
I had one like this and got rid. I used to say to him - it's not my fault you're inept as a partner but that doesn't mean I'll jump on the lap of any male that speaks to me, stop judging me by your own low morals!
Good luck