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Am I wicked to leave?

(13 Posts)
SpringSpringTime Fri 28-Aug-20 15:48:10

10 yrs together, 4 married, 1 preschool child. We’ve had some wonderful times, and he’s a good man-generous, loyal, pulls his weight at home, great dad. But the physical connection is not, and if I’m honest has never, been there. Over and over again I’ve tried to make my peace with that, and I’ve done everything I can to bridge the gap. But about once a year I get right to the edge of leaving and I just can’t keep doing it-to him, too. I can leave, can’t I? Am I going to be ok?

He’s my best friend.

OP’s posts: |
newnameforthis123 Fri 28-Aug-20 16:40:11

Give him (and yourself) the chance to find a wholly fulfilling relationship. You can coparent healthily and show your kids how to do so with kindness and maturity. If you feel guilty, remember that while you stay together he isn't getting the chance to meet someone who does feel that way about him. It's so tough but it's the right thing to do by the sounds of it.

Meggymoo777 Fri 28-Aug-20 16:40:54

So sorry and I'm sure someone will be along with some practical advice but I just wanted to say that you don't need to justify ending a relationship ever... if it's not working for you, then it's just not working for you. Life is too short to be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy x

HollyBollyBooBoo Fri 28-Aug-20 16:45:23

Yes you'll be fine. Life is way too short not to be fulfilled.

Badtasteflump Fri 28-Aug-20 16:46:56

OP when you say you've tried everything, have you tried counselling? And when you say you don't have a physical connection, have you experienced that/do you experience that with other people? Obviously it's your choice whether you stay or go - and I definitely wouldn't call you 'wicked' - but as you say, he's a lovely man/good dad and your best friend and that counts for a lot.

StraffeHendrik Fri 28-Aug-20 16:56:39

Impossible to say for anyone but you. But people on here are so trigger-happy about ending relationships. I wouldn't leave if it's just for sex though, and the relationship is otherwise good- not if I had a young kid. Thinking about my own life, becoming a single parent would be life changing for either of us - finances (can't afford two houses), careers (we can only both pursue our careers by negotiating who has the kids on a minute scale), he'd be stuck in my country alone or separated from the kids. I think when we had the kids there was a commitment there to support each other as long as we are so tied together by young kids.

SpringSpringTime Sat 29-Aug-20 09:31:06

Yes tried counselling. We are just not, and have never been, physically compatible. I’ve always hoped we’d be able to meet somewhere in the middle but actually that level of compromise is crushing us both. We can split now and the practicalities would be fine. We’ll be great coparents. And our child will be ok.

OP’s posts: |
SpringSpringTime Sat 29-Aug-20 09:33:04

It’s not ‘just sex’ for me. It’s everything about touch, and the connection that goes with that-warmth, conversation-if I’m sad he’ll cook dinner and tidy up but he won’t put his hand on my back, or smile at me, or ask how I am.

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Sat 29-Aug-20 09:33:49

I believe if you stayed, it would only be out of guilt and you’d grow to resent him in time. You BOTH deserve to have fulfilling relationships. Does he struggle with the physical connection as well?

NotaCoolMum Sat 29-Aug-20 09:35:24

I don’t think counselling would make a difference anyway in this situation. If you dont feel a physical/intimate connection, counselling won’t change that.

category12 Sat 29-Aug-20 09:36:00

If it's crushing you both, then you both would benefit from splitting. Maybe you could do it amicably and co-parent well together.

Doesn't sound wicked, sounds more like doing him a favour.

SpringSpringTime Sat 29-Aug-20 09:59:41

He’s not fulfilled in that regard-he’d never complain, and he thought we were happy, but I don’t see the funny, cheerful man I first dated any more and it’s not like the rest of our lives are at all difficult-it’s just that we can’t be ourselves with each other. It’s so sad because there are absolutely no hard feelings (we’ve worked through all those), and I have huge amounts of respect for him.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sat 29-Aug-20 10:03:26

Sounds like pulling the trigger would be a gift to him as well.

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