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To not want to ask my parents for money?

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BrokenArrows Fri 28-Aug-20 15:05:50

My husband is an only child. A mummy's boy. His mum (a single mum) has been very generous with giving us money each month, as well as a larger amount to help with a deposit on our house, and other amounts at random times. My husband and his mum openly talk about finances, and I feel like he kind of runs the show with her money advising her of what to do in terms of re-mortgaging, potentially selling and downsizing her house, etc. I also feel that my husband has asked directly (and pressured her) for some of the money she has given us over the years. She is a very selfless person and would always want to help others rather than herself. She's very careful with money. Very rarely eats out, never goes on holiday or to movies, or days out and never does anything nice for herself. Although we live what I consider to be a very comfortable lifestyle, we still struggle with bills sometimes. She helps with some of our DC's school fees or uniform costs, provides us with a few hundred pounds a month from a second pension she has, and would try and help more if he asked. It's very generous of her.

Now the issue is that his mum (single income and now retired) makes far less than what my parents make. Yet somehow she works some voodoo magic to come up with money whenever we need it. My parents have worked hard (as has his mum) and raised us kids comfortably, and now they are retired and living their lives and enjoying holidays, cruises, dinners out, films each week, improvements to the house etc. My husband seems annoyed with this and the fact that they don't openly just hand out money to us like his mum does.

He has asked me before to ask them for money when times have been tight, but I just don't feel right doing this. Partly because my dad and I have had a slightly rocky relationship in the past and I don't know how or want to approach the situation to ask them for money. I do not discuss money with them at all. I don't want it to create friction. But husband gets into a strop with me about it and yells at me basically out of frustration that they have more money than his mum and are enjoying their retirement. I think he feels entitled to it. I have explained to him that I'm uncomfortable asking them for money, and to me it's not worth creating any potential arguments or conflict with them. But I know he's still resentful, and occasionally still throws it in my face during an argument.

Does he have the right to be upset by this, or is he being totally unreasonable? Or am I being unreasonable by not asking my parents in the first place?

OP’s posts: |
Chasingsquirrels Fri 28-Aug-20 15:08:19

BrokenArrows you are not being the unreasonable one here.

Potterpotterpotter Fri 28-Aug-20 15:10:21

HE is being unreasonable!!!

I haven’t asked for money from my parents since I moved out 10 years ago!!

Rewis Fri 28-Aug-20 15:11:04

He is unreasonable. Instead of being frustrated with you, he should use that energy to figure out a way to have a lifestyle that doesnt require getting money from his mother. Maybe even find a way to support her for a change.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Fri 28-Aug-20 15:11:10

He is being UR.

He needs to stop taking money from his poor Mum.

WorraLiberty Fri 28-Aug-20 15:11:26

I can't believe I just read that.

You're both being unreasonable to repeatedly milk the poor woman for cash, to fund your lifestyles.

Your grown ups and it's way past time to start behaving like one.

No, don't ask your parents for money and stop accepting regular handouts from his mum.

FilthyforFirth Fri 28-Aug-20 15:11:28

You cant both lead a comfortable lifestyle and require help for bills/uniform etc. YABU to take money from MIL if you feel she doesnt have it.

I think you need to re-evaluate what you are spending on if you need constant hand outs from parents.

How old are you both?

Baggagerack Fri 28-Aug-20 15:12:05

Why do you need financial support from your parents? Are you living beyond your means.? It’s really not up to them to bail you out, quite different if they offer but asking or expecting it is just wrong. Sounds like he’s yet another man child who needs to grow up. Too many boys in the world who refuse to morph into men.

Potterpotterpotter Fri 28-Aug-20 15:13:02

I also feel sorry for his poor mum. Bleeding her dry!!

2pinkginsplease Fri 28-Aug-20 15:13:05

I would never ask to borrow money. I’m an adult I stand on my own 2 feet!

I would be mortified borrowing money off our parents. We would cut back or downsize and live within our own budget.

DollyPomPoms Fri 28-Aug-20 15:14:05

If she miraculously raises cash I’d be concerned she is borrowing.

You clearly can’t afford your lifestyle and his poor mum should not have to bail you out every month.

rorosemary Fri 28-Aug-20 15:14:25

How come finances are tight when you're being gifted all this extra money? Why aren't you (plural) living within your own means?

Why does he see your parents money as his? This is really weird.

Angeldust747 Fri 28-Aug-20 15:14:54

YANBU you both need to reign in your spending to what you can afford!

rorosemary Fri 28-Aug-20 15:15:14

Does your husband plan on giving your own children just as much financial help? I doubt it since you're not living within your own means now.

HollowTalk Fri 28-Aug-20 15:16:45

You are letting his mum, who is on low pay, contribute towards school fees? Are you insane? If you can't afford school fees yourself then send your children to a state school.

As for Yet somehow she works some voodoo magic to come up with money whenever we need it - are you sure she isn't going into debt to find the money?

Florencex Fri 28-Aug-20 15:17:04

You are both being very unreasonable.

I would be mortified if my husband asked his old dad fo money. My parents are deceased for over a decade but I never asked them for money in my adult life.

Just stop it and live within your means.

BrokenArrows Fri 28-Aug-20 15:17:34

To clarify, I do not ask her for any money. My husband deals with that and controls all finances in the house. He makes quite good money, and I work part time and don't make very good money at all. He is extremely frustrated by this, and gets angry with me because I don't make more. He is also annoyed that I keep 18% of my income to spend on myself (things life coffee, lunches out, personal & beauty supplies, a bit of clothing etc if I need it.) it's only a couple hundred a month that I have earned, but he's annoyed that I've put up a fight to keep that and don't give it to him for bills. I could go on, but that's a whole other post 🤦‍♀️

OP’s posts: |
NameAnon101 Fri 28-Aug-20 15:19:05

None of this sounds healthy! At all!
I'd seriously consider getting out!

His poor mum has worked herself to the bone and put her child first always and this is how she's rewarded! What a star son... NOT

toomanyspiderplants Fri 28-Aug-20 15:19:16

I can't believe it either. He is being very unreasonable. I have never asked my parents for money. your DH sounds very money grabbing. you send your kids to private school yet he still leaches off her. my flabber is well and truly gasted.

Rewis Fri 28-Aug-20 15:20:16

Is this moving to financial abuse territory?

WorraLiberty Fri 28-Aug-20 15:20:18

BrokenArrows

To clarify, I do not ask her for any money. My husband deals with that and controls all finances in the house. He makes quite good money, and I work part time and don't make very good money at all. He is extremely frustrated by this, and gets angry with me because I don't make more. He is also annoyed that I keep 18% of my income to spend on myself (things life coffee, lunches out, personal & beauty supplies, a bit of clothing etc if I need it.) it's only a couple hundred a month that I have earned, but he's annoyed that I've put up a fight to keep that and don't give it to him for bills. I could go on, but that's a whole other post 🤦‍♀️

Oh come on OP you are completely complicit in milking the poor woman dry.

If you two can't afford your kids school fees and uniforms amongst other things, why on earth are you sending them to private school?

You're not an 'innocent victim' here.

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 Fri 28-Aug-20 15:20:26

I think you need to ask him what he's doing with the money you both earn that leaves you so short you need to ask anyone to give you more.

Either he's controlling finances well, in which case shouldn't need to ask for any, or he's not in which case you need more oversight of how it's being spent.

MumW Fri 28-Aug-20 15:21:56

Bloody hell, you're married to a big fat CF.

He should be embarrassed about the way he manipulates his Mum and you should worry about how this unpleasant trait may impact/is impacting your relationship.

How can you not be embarrassed accepting her pension to subsidise your lifestyle?

Summerdayss21 Fri 28-Aug-20 15:22:51

You are both unreasonable taking money from his mum. You’re both living beyond your means and should be ashamed of yourselves. He’s taking advantage of his mums nature and that’s tantamount to financial abuse. He sounds like a dick.
And no you are not being unreasonable to not ask your parents for money, he is. What a dick.

UnfinishedSymphon Fri 28-Aug-20 15:23:42

You might not ask for it but you don't seem to have any problem spending it, I feel very sorry for his poor mum, sounds like she has little joy in her life because she's funding you two scroungers. Start living within your means and stop asking people for money.

I'm actually really angry having read your post, it's disgusting

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