Am I being over sensitive?

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

Ok.

I grew up constantly being told I was 'too fat' and that my body shape meant that no one would ever want/love me.

I believed it for years and spent many years hiding my body away and being ashamed. Constantly dieting and avoiding men and sex because of it. I've since accepted that the problem with my body wasn't actually my body.

Anyway, years have passed. I'm a 12/14 and comfortable with my body and the way I look. I'm losing half a stone or so so that I'm a more standard 12.

It also means I have zero tolerance for any level of 'body shaming' or negative comments around my appearance within a relationship. I've ended several blossoming relationships after it's been suggested I could do with "losing a few kilos" or comments about me not looking good in jeans etc. My shape means I've never had, nor will I ever have, a slim, toned lean body.

My boyfriend is similarly trying to lose around half a stone. I think he looks great and have told him so.

He has made no such reassurances to me. And last night when we were talking about this 1/2 stone, I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be. His response was "that's just a choice though. There are plenty of women your age with great bodies."

So now I'm in a quandary. We were discussing weight and weightloss but i didnt ask him for an appraisal of my body. Nor an implication that my body is unattractive - which is how I took his comment.

I'd normally end it at this point but that would be every single man I've dated in the last 10 years I've broken up with for criticising my body in some way.

Am I being over sensitive and was his comment actually fine?

[Bluntness100]

I’m not sure op I think you’re being over sensitive. I think you want someone who only responds with compliments. I think you need to tell partners this.

Personally I am happy for my husband to give me an honest opinion in this conversation context, not clearly just a random comment, but I think his response was a natural flow of the conversation.

And he’s right, for many people it is a choice, unless physical or mental issues, which may be the case for you, I don’t know . Whether you’ve a “great” body or not I couldn’t comment because much depends on the definition of great. I also don’t think he said your body was unattractive. He implied it wasn’t “great“ but that’s different.

Great means hugely above average normally and being offended he thinks you’re isn’t hugely above average is maybe a bit over sensitive. However as said that doesn’t mean he thinks it’s unattractive.

I think you’ll struggle to maintain a relationship and certainly not an honest one with your approach.

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

Thanks for your response.

Yes, I can see it does look like that. Initially, I wasn't bothered because it was just a statement and an observation. Plus I'm not blind or stupid. I know what I look like! I wasn't hoping for compliments but I didnt ask him for his opinion on my body shape either.

What he means by 'great' is low body fat, very slender model/celebrity type figures. Whereas even when I was at my slimmest (8), I still didnt look like that.

I'm not upset by what he said per se, its more that, after years of negativity that were designed to make me feel inadequate or shit, I just have a zero tolerance to any body negativity. (I don't actually expect to be told I look amazing etc)

I suppose it's just made me feel that he doesn't find me attractive

[Bunnymumy]

I think his sordid choice maybe just wasn't the best. He was trying to say that if you put your mind to it it's possible.

Considering he got with you when you were heavier, I wouldnt worry that he prefers slimmer women or something.

It sounds like he just didnt think. I would just say to him 'for future reference honey - you are beautiful just the way you are- would have been a better response'.

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

I suppose I've just taken the "plenty of women your age" comment as a comparison and implied criticism that I could also look like them if I tried when a) I dont really have any aspirations to look like that and b) my body shape means that I couldn't even if I did.

[Bunnymumy]

*word choice

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

It sounds like he just didnt think. I would just say to him 'for future reference honey - you are beautiful just the way you are- would have been a better response'.

Ha yes, maybe. Not sure that that's how he sees me but, yeah...

[Trisolaris]

I would interpret it more that you were making it sound like you ‘couldn’t’ be slimmer if you wanted to and he was saying that you could make that choice if you wanted to but he wasn’t saying that you should or that he would be more attracted to you if you did.

I think he had a fair point to be honest, we can all love and accept our bodies as they are whilst still acknowledging that if we want to make a choice to change them in terms of diet/exercise we can. That doesn’t mean we are all going to find it easy or look like supermodels if we do and obviously there are things that get in the way of us achieving it and we don’t all want to make that choice. You are happy as you are and you don’t need to defend or justify that to anyone. If he makes you feel bad for the body you have that’s a bit different but it didn’t sound like his comments were on those lines.

[WorraLiberty]

I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be.

But that's an absolute choice right there, because of course you could be slim if you wanted to be. You've chosen not to go any slimmer and that's absolutely fine.

You're happy with your own body and you've every right to stick to the choices you make.

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

To be clear, what I mean is that I'm never going to be a slender size 8. I was when I was younger but I would look awful and my face would be gaunt even if I could achieve it now.

What he means by 'great' is very slender - with very low body fat, slim legs, completely flat toned stomach. Even when I was an 8 I didnt look like that. That's not a choice, it's my body shape!

I'm aiming for the 12. Even if I slimmed to a 10, I still wouldnt look 'great' by his definition.

[WorraLiberty]

Do you know that's exactly what he means by 'great' though? Or is it something you've assumed?

Either way, you're entitled to be happy with your body and he's entitled to think as he does.

Perhaps you should both stay off the subject of weight/body shape etc.

[PurpleDaisies]

My shape means I've never had, nor will I ever have, a slim, toned lean body.

Why couldn’t you ever have a slim, toned body? It’s not really about shape, it’s about what you do with yourself in therms of diet and weights.

It’s great you’re happy at the size you are but you’re looking for someone to agree that you could never be something that you could do if you were really determined to. Not wanting to because it’s too much sacrifice is a perfectly valid choice to make (if you’re already in the healthy weight range for your height).

I wonder if you really are quite as happy as you say you are. There seems to be a fair amount of protesting too much here.

[WorraLiberty]

Purple has put it better than me.

What I was trying to say is, perhaps it wasn't a criticism at all but more that he was pointing out that what you said wasn't true.

If that's the case I'm sure it would have no bearing on how he feels about you personally.

[Trisolaris]

Again OP of course we all have different body shapes and it sounds like you think yours will look better at a good size 12 which is a valid choice. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t make a different one though which you seem to want everyone to agree with.

Yes we all have different body types. My arse will always be proportionately much larger than other women’s to the rest of me because that is how my body is built but I can control my overall body weight and I can tone it up if I choose too. Any body fat that I do have will go to my arse and thighs as that’s my body type.

[Anordinarymum]

OP you are, and you are kind of putting it on your poor bloke who probably does not know what to say right for doing wrong as they say :(

[User856334967]

My first thought is that you were being oversensitive... My second thought was that you are actually right , that was a putdown of your body type. and my third thought is that potentially he could be encouraging you because he thinks losing weight is what YOU want and actually has nothing to do with how he views your body?

I'm studying at uni and often say things like " I'm never going to pass this course", when I get told, "yes, I will and most people on the course will pass". It's just encouragement. I think in the context he said it , it could be... "You want it? Of course you can have it!" It was actually YOU who said that you wanted to lose more weight.

I would let this comment go. But keep your boundaries strong with regards to any negative comment about your figure.

[WellThisWentWell]

I don’t think you were being overswnsitive.

And going againts the grain, i also understand you about never being tiny/slender/petite/thin.

I have an unfortunate body/ bone shape, i will always look ”bigger”.
No mount of excercise or starving myself has/would help.
It’s naive to say that everyone can.

[WorraLiberty]

@WellThisWentWell

I don’t think you were being overswnsitive.

And going againts the grain, i also understand you about never being tiny/slender/petite/thin.

I have an unfortunate body/ bone shape, i will always look ”bigger”.
No mount of excercise or starving myself has/would help.
It’s naive to say that everyone can.

The OP didn't mention being 'tiny, slender, petite or thin'.

She said... I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be.

Hence his reply... That's just a choice though.

I think keeping his reply in context is important.

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

Again OP of course we all have different body shapes and it sounds like you think yours will look better at a good size 12 which is a valid choice. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t make a different one though which you seem to want everyone to agree with

It's more that I do look good at a size 10/12 in a curvy, proportionate way. When I was a size 8, I looked fine clothes but, undressed, I looked disproportionate and like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. My hip bones, shoulder blades, clavicle, ribs were all visible but I still didnt look 'great'.

Yes, i do know that that is what he means by great because that is the body shape/type he admires.

I wonder if you really are quite as happy as you say you are. There seems to be a fair amount of protesting too much here.

Well I lived with years of criticism so it's hard. I know what weight/suits suits me best but of course I'd like to be an attractive, slender size 8 if it were possible but, having been that size, it's not how I look.

I could maybe get to a 10 but I still wouldn't have the body shape.

But if people generally think I'm being over sensitive and that it wasn't an implied criticism, then I'll accept that. Thanks.

[ShouldIPlayEveryPianoISee]

The OP didn't mention being 'tiny, slender, petite or thin'.

I did say slender. I think we all know the body type I/he mean. The kind you see on swimwear models. Even if i could get my body down to the size, i still wouldn't look like that. That's what he means by 'great'

[MikeUniformMike]

Anyway, years have passed. I'm a 12/14 and comfortable with my body and the way I look. I'm losing half a stone or so so that I'm a more standard 12.
Fine. Sounds like a healthy attitude unless you are very short. I'd be enormous at a size 12.

My boyfriend is similarly trying to lose around half a stone. I think he looks great and have told him so.
Fine.

He has made no such reassurances to me.
It would be nice if he did, but maybe he doesn't think so, or maybe it just didn't cross him mind that he should reassure you.

And last night when we were talking about this 1/2 stone, I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be. His response was "that's just a choice though. There are plenty of women your age with great bodies."
You can have a great body without being conventionally 'slim'.
Exercise can improve posture and muscle tone.

I think you are being over-sensitive and a bit needy.

If you had said something like 'I think I look really good at this weight' he would probably agreed with you.

[User856334967]

@MikeUniformMike

What? You would be enormous at size 12? WTH is that supposed to mean? Size 12 is not a big size. Nice dig though.

[WorraLiberty]

[quote User856334967]@MikeUniformMike

What? You would be enormous at size 12? WTH is that supposed to mean? Size 12 is not a big size. Nice dig though.[/quote]
It depends on a person's height really.

Someone very short could easily be very overweight if they filled size 12 clothes.

[Divebar]

I said that I wanted to lose this weight but I would never be 'slim' even if I wanted to be

I think half a stone is a tiny amount of weight to be pre-occupied with. I’m not trying to criticise but it sounds like you were fishing for him to give you the compliment. If you were that happy you wouldn’t need him to say anything about it because it would be a non issue. I don’t think youve quite escaped your negative mindset about your body and weight and I’m interested in how you keep finding men who are critical about it. That is intended kindly by the way.

[User856334967]

But would they ever be enormous? And is it appropriate when the OP is a size 12 and has been critisised about her size when she was growing up?

[WorraLiberty]

@User856334967

But would they ever be enormous? And is it appropriate when the OP is a size 12 and has been critisised about her size when she was growing up?

Define 'enormous' though. It seems to mean different things to different people.

The PP was talking about herself and if she feels she'd be enormous (whatever that means to her), then that's how she feels.

It would be wildly inappropriate if she had been talking about anyone else.