Ending a friendship - wwyd?

[FriendshipDilemma]

I’m quite nervous posting this but need advice please.

I’ve been friends with someone for over 15 years with lots of shared history. ‘Friend’ has a good heart and good intentions but is self-centred and can be very insensitive. She is negative and moans a lot. Someone once described her as a ‘mood hoover’ which I found quite apt! She lives a very privileged life but does not see it at all. That probably comes over as jealousy but it’s not at all, I am very happy in my own life, just trying to explain that her moaning is usually over insignificant things which is very wearing.

Until last year we met up once a month or so, but I started to not look forward to it due to leaving feeling so drained of energy. Each week I would receive essay-length texts with every detail of her life and lots of negativity. I was going through a period of ill health and found contact with her had become overwhelming, so I gently distanced myself.

This year has been tough. We have had a spate of difficult occurrences, including losing a close family member to covid. I have had three text conversations with her since March and in every one she has upset me or made me angry. Not obvious insults, just flippant comments and general insensitivity. I wasn’t sure if it was a grief reaction initially but now we are a few months down the line I have decided I just don’t want to be friends with her any more. I don’t have enough time or energy for her to keep taking. Our other friend is very good at letting it wash over her... I am not!

Unfortunately I will bump into her occasionally, so I’m really not sure what to do.
It’s getting to the stage when I can’t really distance myself any further – at some point she is going to ask me why I’m being a shit friend. She can be very fiery and I know any honest conversation will result in a drama which I really can’t cope with at the moment.
Do I continue to fob her off? It feels unfair that I will then come off as the bad guy, but equally I don’t think she would see my point of view anyway.

Is it awful to end a friendship after 15 years and not offer any explanation? I’m trying to see it from her point of view; I know I would feel awful, especially if I thought I had done nothing wrong. As crap as she’s made me feel, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m absolutely rubbish at confrontation, I feel queasy at the thought of saying any of this to her.
WWYD?

[Bunnymumy]

'Friend' does not have a good heart. She's a dick. An energy vampire. Go through your post there and bullet point every shitty quality you have written about her, because there's a lot.

I would not be looking to offer her a reason for the friendship becoming strained. I would just flat out block her on everything. I'm sure you will get a tirade of abuse either way as it's unlikely her sort will take the hint. But you do not owe someone like her an explanation. And the less you engage with her, the better.

I know it might make you feel mean but, protecting yourself against narcissistic assholes is not mean, it's smart.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Having had a similar situation, I sent a very brief text saying that I was going through a tough time and that while I had appreciated the friendship, I was in no position to reciprocate at the moment. I left it open for her to respond, but she just cold blocked me.

Sounds brutal, but I think it was for the best, and it certainly confirm we what I suspected - that I was increasingly an unpaid counsellor/baby sitter and not a friend.

[category12]

I think I'd probably do a version of "it's not you, it's me" should she challenge you about distancing yourself. I'd say something like you just don't have the emotional bandwith at the moment, due to the bereavement etc and need your space.

[Bunnymumy]

That's a good shout actually. Always a good idea to make it seem like its your issue to these sorts. So that you don't offend their egos.

[Chamomileteaplease]

I agree that you should not just ghost her. Partly because that is horrible but also then if and when you do bump into her then it will be less awkward.

I like Biscuit's text above. You are explaining in a nice way that you have a lot on your plate and want to back off for a while. She won't know that she is the only one you are not in contact with!

Whatever her response is not your concern. Hopefully she will take it at face value and leave you alone. Job done.

Good luck!

[Bunnymumy]

I wouldn't say its horrible to just block her. Considering she has only spoke to you 3 times since March. And each time she has been a knob.

But when she messages you next time, maybe just give a polite 'it's not you its me' message. Then block.

[Spied]

She's not very sensitive of your feelings so does she really deserve your sensitivity?.
If you can't be upfront I'd block.

[FriendshipDilemma]

Thank you for your replies... my husband is cheering in the background as you have echoed what he has been saying all year! Ending it didn't feel justified until I wrote it all out and now I see that it needs to be done.
Thanks again.