Talk

Advanced search

Am I being a mug

(40 Posts)
Crazyjay91 Fri 28-Aug-20 09:14:48

Help!!!
I’ve been messaging a man for the past 8 weeks and we finally met up 4 weeks ago and have seen each other atleast once a week since. He is 31 with two young children from his ex who he split up with in October after 10 years together. His ex is clearly still madly in love with him and is doing anything she can to control him and get him back this includes using the children. Therefore we have kept seeing each other on the downlow with only our close friends knowing.
I am asking for advice as I really do not know where this ‘relationship’ is going. He is so complimentary and supportive within my personal life and my work life, we really get on well - we laugh, we joke, we confide in each other and I do really like this man. But we have not gone on a ‘proper’ date yet and he has made no hints that, that is what he wants. We literally see each other at my house and he will stay the night.
I haven’t had the conversation with him about what he wants out of this as I don’t want to put pressure on him but at the moment I’m stuck between am I just being impatient and to give him more time and maybe I shouldn’t be so stubborn and ask him on a date or am I just being a mug and being used as someone to get his end away with?

OP’s posts: |
famousforwrongreason Fri 28-Aug-20 09:17:19

If you want the conversation, have the conversation. You're already let him control your behaviour if you're scared of saying how you feel.
If you want dates then you can arrange them or ask him to.
If he won't then you have your answer.

JorisBonson Fri 28-Aug-20 09:18:45

I don't think he's as single as he's making out.

netsybetsy Fri 28-Aug-20 09:18:54

There's a lot of baggage here. Is it worth it? Only you know the answer. Are you exclusive? I don't see why you can't keep dating others instead of investing so much in this one guy who isn't ready or able to prioritise you right now. Also do you want to spend weekends with his children? Great if you do, just remember they come as a package (or should do if he's a good Dad).

TwentyViginti Fri 28-Aug-20 09:21:57

Never be someone's dirty secret.

VettiyaIruken Fri 28-Aug-20 09:22:44

So, he just comes round for a shag once a week?

Doesn't sound like a relationship at all. It doesn't sound like it's enough for you so maybe it would be best to end it.

Cheetahfajita Fri 28-Aug-20 09:23:55

Why don't you go to his?

Absolutelylush Fri 28-Aug-20 09:24:04

So the once a week is a meal and a shag at your place.

Absolutelylush Fri 28-Aug-20 09:25:23

What did you do the first time you met?

FlosCampi Fri 28-Aug-20 09:27:55

Are you absolutely sure he's not still married? Or hoping to get back with the ex, but still not averse to a bit on the side as long as you're discreet? Whatever the reason, you're being taken advantage of.

wishywashy6 Fri 28-Aug-20 09:28:35

How do you know his ex is still in love with him and using the children? Because he's told you?
You've only been speaking to this man for 8 weeks and met him a handful of times, how well do you really know him? I always think in these situations where the guy claims to have 'one of those' ex's that I'd love to know her version of events, there are always 2 sides to a story.

Tell him you want to go out on a date, sounds like he's got it easy at the moment.

I'd be wary though, it all sounds a bit much considering how long you've actually known him

stepmumSW5 Fri 28-Aug-20 09:31:14

There's a high risk he is still married. Don't be his secret. You deserve more op.

Potterpotterpotter Fri 28-Aug-20 09:34:50

Sounds like your his fwb

billy1966 Fri 28-Aug-20 09:37:19

Yes you are being a mug.

You're a free meal and a shag....he must be delighted with you.

Why would you think this is what you should expect from a relationship?

He's delighted to have met someone who has such a low relationship bar and is so desperate for a man will be his dirty little secret.

Why would you get in the middle of such a mess.

You clearly have no desire for a healthy normal relationship with a guy and want a stress filled life where you come behind his children and ex......

A disaater.

Give your head a good shake.

You deserve better.

seensome Fri 28-Aug-20 09:37:28

He just wants to shag, a man that really sees you as relationship material will put in the effort to make it work, Excuses about his ex wouldn't stop him if he's single.
Keep dating other men and don't wait for him.

Opentooffers Fri 28-Aug-20 09:39:30

You've gone into this by an odd route maybe. When you first met up, where did you meet? Was it straight round your house?
Maybe how his finances are come into it, having 2 kids and 2 separate homes now between them to support, could mean that he doesn't have the money left to go 'out' out. I'm assuming that what you know of his family situation is the truth and you are hopefully not just going by what he's told you. Have you ever been round where he lives?
Just ask him out for a meal, or cinema or whatever and see what his response is. If he doesn't want to, then you are unfortunately just a sexual convenience to him.

TheFaerieQueene Fri 28-Aug-20 09:41:27

Set the bar much higher OP.

BertiesLanding Fri 28-Aug-20 09:43:13

As gently as possible, OP: yes, you are being a mug. He is not available.

alfrew Fri 28-Aug-20 09:44:57

You only met him 4 weeks ago, you don't know him at all.

Please be careful OP, you're probably going to get hurt with this one.

AdaColeman Fri 28-Aug-20 09:46:11

You're his bit on the side, and do you feed him as well?
Dump him, and start to value yourself more.

TwilightPeace Fri 28-Aug-20 09:48:30

Like others have said, it sounds like he’s using you for a meal and sex.

Don’t ever be a mans secret, he should be proud to be with you. In a healthy relationship, everything should be a lot more open.

Even if he doesn’t have much money surely you could go out for a nice walk and coffee or something? Or an early bird meal somewhere? Rather than hiding in your house.

It boils down to whether you feel valued by him. You should be more than just a convenient option for him to get what he wants. What about your needs?

Dery Fri 28-Aug-20 09:51:33

"You've gone into this by an odd route maybe. When you first met up, where did you meet? Was it straight round your house?
Maybe how his finances are come into it, having 2 kids and 2 separate homes now between them to support, could mean that he doesn't have the money left to go 'out' out. I'm assuming that what you know of his family situation is the truth and you are hopefully not just going by what he's told you. Have you ever been round where he lives?
Just ask him out for a meal, or cinema or whatever and see what his response is. If he doesn't want to, then you are unfortunately just a sexual convenience to him."

This. Also, you have risked your personal safety in entertaining a man you really don't know in your own home. Rapists and murderers can come across as very charming. Why have you been so ready to put yourself in danger?

sunnydaytomorrow Fri 28-Aug-20 11:14:56

You are his OW and he is still married in a married kind of way! That's my guess

NotaCoolMum Fri 28-Aug-20 11:31:17

Even if he really did split with his wife last October, it doesn’t sound as if they’ve actually “finished”. Not saying he’s still sleeping with her or anything but if he’s hiding you then it’s for a reason- he needs to be in a place where he’s actually “free”- by that I mean that his (ex?) wife shouldn’t factor into whether or not he’s seen in public with you or who knows about you etc. Have you met any of his friends? Do they know about you?

Coffeecak3 Fri 28-Aug-20 11:33:50

Yes. You're a mug.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in